Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts

Monday, September 15, 2014

Does this match...?

Growing up I was forever asking Annie this question. When I was little I had very...distinct sense of fashion. We have photographic evidence.

Exhibit A

This was my favorite outfit. I think it made my parents cringe every time I pulled it out of the closet. It is still the topic of family jokes almost 25 years later. In fact, while shopping at Kid-to-Kid with my sister, my mother found a very similar outfit for a toddler and bought it as a joke for my future daughter. I have no idea if she still has it or not. I was a slightly spazzy child and my sense of style matched that. Usually my mom picked out clothes, but for whatever reason, she agreed to purchase this particular outfit.

Anyway...as I grew up, the bright colors and peplum skirts and shirts drifted away and I was forever asking "Does this match...?" or "Does this look good...?" As an adult I've figured out how to match my own clothes, thank heavens. However, I still get anxiety when buying clothes for special occasions. I just can't make the decision myself. I drag someone along with me to ask "Does this look good...?" 

You're probably wondering why I'm even talking about this. Well, in a few months I'll be getting married and there is no more important dress in a girl's life than her wedding dress. Thankfully, that's been taken care of. But now it's what do the bridesmaids wear? Do I even want bridesmaids? What about the rest of the family? Flower girls? What about the men? Do I want them all in matching shoes? Matching ties? Holy crap! Make it stop!! I had a difficult enough time finding a dress for Lisa's wedding and it really didn't matter what I wore! Now I apparently have the final say on what a whole host of people are going to be wearing?! Wha...?? I know what I would like...in general terms but the moment someone offers a differing opinion I'm suddenly in a spiral of fashion self-doubt.

I do know that I don't want a mishmash of people trying to match but not really pulling it off. I just want the whole thing to look nice. The clothing is causing me major anxiety, though. It's silly, isn't it? Of all the things to stress over, I'm worried about what my potential, possibly not even happening bridesmaids may or may not be wearing. 

Bless, Scott...really. 





Tuesday, August 5, 2014

For the love...!!

I'm on week two of starting birth control and holy hannah, I seriously dislike it. I would seriously love for my uterus to stop hating me...that would be great.


That is all....



TMI???

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Yin Yang...

Tonight I am super grateful that I have a wonderful fiancee that wants to be better and makes me want to be better. In the face of my ridiculous rants he simply smiles and listens patiently. That's all.




He's basically my favorite...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Epiphanies...

1. I remember I had a good friend give me a massage and it hurt like you wouldn't believe. I was having back pain due to being hunched over my desk and computer for several semesters. My muscles were screaming at me before I did anything about it. As I was gasping through the pain as she worked out the knots and kinks in my muscles, she told me that we feel pain for a reason. I remember during my health issues I felt like no one truly understood how I felt and the physical pain that I felt on a daily basis. I was thinking today that the same applies to emotional pain. I have been fairly good at ignoring emotional pain and scarring. Sometimes being strong is actually detrimental to your own emotional well being. We feel pain because something is not right. We feel pain because our body -our heart and soul - is trying to tell us something is not right. If we ignore that in the name of "strength" what are we actually doing to ourselves? I've gotten pretty good at ignoring pain...maybe it's time I stopped.

2. Circumstances and people are not put into our lives haphazardly. Events don't always turn out the way we wish or hope - rarely so, in fact. But it's almost always for a reason and it's important for us to understand what those reasons are and why we needed to experience that. We'll be stronger and more resilient for it.

3. Sometimes anger is a healthy emotion. We just need to be sure it doesn't rule our every thought and action.

4. I woke up this morning after a fitful sleep and I thought to myself, you're going to be alright. Somehow, that was very reassuring. I feel more in control of my life and what my future holds than ever before. I will not be acted upon. My future is mind to create.

5. Roommates and sisters are the best...seriously.



Saturday, June 11, 2011

I blame Amelia*

Amelia isn't really her name but we're going to call her Amelia. In my job I deal with my fair share of upset students. It's understandable, really. This is their future. I take my education seriously, it is only right that I should take theirs seriously as well when they call in. I've been cussed at, yelled at, hung up on and had people threaten to go to my boss. But I have never, in my almost five years of working with students, been so incredibly outraged as I was this morning.


After nearly 20 minutes of being berated and yelled at I was ready to hang up on her. I finally stopped talking and just let her go. I knew that if I opened my mouth I'd probably call her a not so nice name and slam the phone down. That type of behavior is not looked upon kindly where I work. When I got off the phone my body was actually shaking I was so furious.

Interestingly enough, she didn't swear at me once. She didn't call me any bad names other than lazy and incompetent and yet she was able to reduce me to a quivering mass of rage. I think I may have frightened my coworker, who has never seen me be anything other than professional and polite.

If anything else goes wrong today...I'm blaming Amelia.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The post in which I try to convince myself I will survive the semester...

I remember the spring break(s) of yesteryear when I was living in Southern California and I could lounge by the pool or go shopping with my friends. Or perhaps I would visit my aunt in Long Beach or sleep in and just relax. Sigh...


Fast forward to spring break of this year... There was no pool lounging or visiting of friends and family. I slept in but only because I couldn't fall asleep until 2 or even 3 in the morning because of stressed out brain. One night I fell asleep around 3am on the couch upstairs while trying to do some homework. I didn't wake up until Lisa left the next morning around 6:30. I then woke up when the other roommates got on with their day. The week previous to spring break I was stressed and anxious about getting everything done that needed to be done. I had high expectations of a relaxing week spent with friends and my rarely seen family, these days. Alas, it was not to be so.

One of the roommates is moving out early and has been packing. Lisa has started packing up too. I don't begrudge them their packing. It needs to be done and they're doing what they need to do. Yet, the empty walls and shelves are a bit depressing and it further highlights what I still need to accomplish on top of school and work.

So now I'm back in class and trying to not break down into tears as we talk about assignments and due dates. The good news is I got an extension on an assignment. Yet, it's a bit of a double edged sword because the assignment is the small bits and pieces of a larger assignment later in the semester. So I run the risk of having it all stack up at the end of the semester. However, I don't really have a choice because I haven't been able to choose a student for my case study.

I also was able to postpone my high school methods placement until next semester. Yet, the same thing applies. It has to be done and there will be more work next semester. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do long term but short term I wouldn't survive the semester otherwise.

I feel slightly ashamed that I had to ask for the extension and postpone the methods placement. I should be able to do all of this, right? I mean, other students are doing this too... Then I talked to the placement specialist and she reminded me that I'm actually doing two full time programs (special ed and secondary). The fact that I am technically a part time student is somewhat negated by the fact that I am actually working on two separate degrees. That made my feel a bit better about the whole thing and the fact that I'm not an utter failure at life.

I am teaching for the first time tomorrow and I am freaking out. I know, they're just middle schoolers and it's only for about 20 minutes. What's so scary about that? I've presented longer and spoke to more people on numerous occasions and yet a classroom full of preteens has me quaking in my wedges.

The highlight of my break is my new MacBook Pro. It's their newest model and I LOVE it. I got a pretty good deal and a student discount. Thank you federal government for the generous tax return that made this beautiful purchase possible.

Side note: Have I ever mentioned that excessive stress tends to bring out the drama queen in me? no? oh...well, it does.


So I'm not really sure I convinced myself of anything.... time will tell.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Oh what a day...

I need a little friendly advise, oh mighty blogosphere...


I had several...situations, we'll call them, arise this morning. All in all, it was a pretty good morning. I got some incredibly good feed back from a no nonsense, call it like it is, New Yorker professor, I nailed my lesson this morning, and I looked great when I ran into someone I haven't seen since high school. The balance of the day was great but...yeah.

I've posted previously about my program and some of the attitudes and people in the program. I struggle with this new cohort. A lot. There is a general attitude of pretentiousness and bitterness. On more than one occasion comments have been made that were insensitive and borderline offensive. There is a general attitude of self righteous arrogance. Most of it is directed towards the LDS Church and the resulting dominant culture. But there have also been comments made about Special Education students and culturally and linguistically diverse populations. It's been enough to get my blood boiling on more than one occasion or a frustration headache at their general insensitivity and sometimes blatant ignorance.

Today it reached new levels. I am actually considering going to the professor in question as well as the director of the program. We were presenting mini snippets of lessons just to have a sort of dry run before we get to the actual classrooms. Situation one. This girl is not my cup of tea. She's from Park City, drives an Audie her father bought for her. She giggles and laughs her way through difficult situations and hardly ever has anything constructive to contribute to any discussion. We were the first to arrive this morning and I'm getting ready for my lesson. She told me she is currently teaching at Park City High and an English TA had prepared a PowerPoint on Shakespeare that she decided to use for her assignment in this class. Through out the presentation it became blatantly obvious that she had not put the PowerPoint together and, most likely, had not even looked through it before getting up to present. Now, the lovely roommie told me that I should say something to the professor since Park City had no qualms telling me it wasn't her work. Part of me wants to but the other part feels bad...thoughts?

NOW...this one is a real winner. This particular student, lets call him Big Mouth Bass (BMB for short) has never been my favorite person and I rarely, if ever, agree with any statement that comes out of his mouth. Add in an obnoxious nickname that he insists going by and it's a win/win situation all around. During the course of his lesson on the Massacre of Wounded Knee and the Ghost Dance BMB referenced something incredibly sacred and personal to me, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, in a way that made it blatantly apparent he had no understanding or respect for what he was so casually discussing. I almost walked out of the room I was so offended. After his presentation the professor told him, he can't go there...ever. I almost said something at that point. Everyone in the class knows I'm LDS and they kept looking at me, as I was clearly upset. I was on the verge of saying something but didn't in the end because if I had it probably wouldn't have been very constructive and probably would have done more damage that good.

BMB has always had an attitude when it comes to members of the LDS Church. I don't know what his history is with the Church but it's apparent that something has happened. He is constantly making thinly veiled comments about the culture and the conservative values shared by most Latter Day Saints. I haven't gotten too up in arms and I've tried not to get too offended. For most people, it's just ignorance but BMB seems to take pleasure in saying some of these things and takes every opportunity to do so. He even went so far as to say it is the "conservative culture" (aka the influence of Mormons) that is causing Utah's rising high school drop out rate. (completely and utterly false. there are a multitude of reasons that will affect the drop out rate. conservatism, isn't really high on that list - but that will be saved for another time). He seems to think that conservative people of faith, members of the LDS church in particular, are simply brainwashed sheep that can't think for themselves. He has no respect for our beliefs or our ability to make our own decisions.He made a comment today in class to the effect of he needs to "dumb himself down" to teach 7th grade - an incredibly worrying attitude to have going into the teaching profession.

Here's my major concern, aside from being incredibly offended by this incident, BMB is going to be teaching many, many students that are LDS. He is going to be in a position of authority over these students. If he can't respect their belief system and if can't treat them with dignity, should he be teaching them at all? I have a serious concern about him in a classroom full of impressionable kids. I am 26, almost 27 years old. I can separate myself and my beliefs from the insensitive, inappropriate and often times, offensive comments he makes. But will a 12 year old be able to do that? He didn't even realize that what he had done was problematic. He won't mention that particular aspect of the LDS faith again but what off hand comments will he make in class? He didn't see how what he had said was different from teaching Utah History. Students will pick up on that. If he can't put his own prejudice aside, should he be in a classroom in an environment where many, if not most, of his students will be of the LDS faith? I'm not saying that's good or bad, I'm simply stating the reality of the demographics of Utah public schools in most, not all, areas. I do know one thing, I wouldn't want my hypothetical child or any of my nieces or nephews in his classroom.

So here's my question(s)...do I tell my professor about Park City and her PowerPoint?

What do I do about Big Mouth Bass? I need to go talk to my professor about something else, anyway. I may simply thank her for what she said to him and possibly mention my concerns. What do you all think? Should I say something or just let it go?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Does this make me a snob?

I went to my Special Ed K-6 Methods class this afternoon/evening. The professor is a visiting professor that currently teaches at Murray High School and has done some semesters at SLCC. We spent almost an hour going over (word for word) the syllabus because she didn't write it and didn't know what it said. I'm sorry...even if you didn't write the syllabus, shouldn't you at least be clear on what is in said syllabus. If you're unclear about the objectives and/or the assignments of the class then you really should check with whoever it is you need to check with to get clarification...preferably BEFORE the first class...just sayin.

The class is about half graduate/half undergraduate students. The undergrads routinely got up and left the class or spent it chatting amongst each other. Then they had somewhat silly questions about the syllabus and needed her to tell them what the homework was for next week. Just look at the syllabus! I don't have a problem with them as people but I guess I'm just used to a certain amount of...professionalism? Educational experience/expectations...? I'm not sure but when they heard that the grad students taking GenEd Methods had to do 60 total hours of observations in addition to the 15 for this class they nearly had a conniption fit and they don't even have to do them!

The class is only three hours but it felt so much longer than my four hour class I had on Tuesday.


So here's the question: Does requiring my professor to be prepared for class and not wanting to have undergrads in my graduate class make me an educational snob?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

This and that...

Today was a slightly frustrating day. In class this morning we were treated to a lecture on professional behavior because apparently this cohort is suffering from a lack of professionalism. Now, Westminster's Education department is fairly liberal as far as their educational philosophy is concerned, especially relative to the rest of the state. This fact tends to attract a certain type of student. We are outspoken, passionate, potential reforms, movers and shakers. There are also quite of few of the "Utah Haters". These are people that are not part of the cultural majority and are vocal in their frustrations/animosity towards the dominant Utah culture. Usually I don't let it get to me but today I was beyond irritated. The comment was made (in reference to professionalism in schools) that we are joining a conservative profession in a conservative state. A student added that could it possibly that conservatism that is causing the rising drop out rate of high school students?

Huh....? There are so many other factors that lead to high school drop out.

I struggle with this. The idea that 'liberal' people are more open minded and welcoming than conservative people. It's one of the great ironies of the label 'liberal'. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to educational philosophy and legislation, I think there needs to be some serious conversations and change but I don't think it's a problem unique to our conservative state.

It's like the class last year where everyone started railing against NCLB (No Child Left Behind). Is it flawed? yes. Is it punitive? yes. Do I think it needs to be tweaked, adjusted, changed? Absolutely. However...ranting and raving about it in a graduate class in a small liberal arts college in Salt Lake City, Utah, isn't going to change the federal legislation. It is the reality we are faced with as educators and it is better to figure out how to work within the confines of the regulations while trying to effect change.

It's a waste of time and energy to rail against the mountain. We need to be involved and vote responsibly but it's not going to change overnight and we need to know what the reality will be and how we can be effective teachers within that reality. The conservative nature of Utah is not going to change...Do I wish it wasn't quite so conservative, sure, but it is and I need to know what my reality is going to be as an educator.

I get frustrated when people act like they know better or are more enlightened than the masses that are simply blindly following dogma. It's disrespectful and it certainly is not professional.

Whew....that has been eating at me all day.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dumbest.Book.Ever

I have been very disappointed in books lately. I read Mockingjay and I enjoyed it but thought the first book in the series was better. I wasn't seriously disappointed but mildly let down in my desire for a fantastic ending to an interesting and entertaining trilogy.

I then moved on to this book. Again, the premise sounds so interesting, especially considering society's preoccupation with beauty and the thriving beauty product industry - surgical and otherwise. I think I made it about a third of the way before giving up. I just didn't care about the story the author was trying to tell. I was interested in characters that didn't play a major role and I wanted to know more about some of the secondary characters rather than the primary characters. Needless to say, I stopped reading. It has been placed back on the shelf...possibly for another day, but probably not.

And then there's this book. Why in heaven's name, why?! I'm sure you've all seen this book and others like it..like this book. No? What about this one or perhaps this one. I've passed Pride and Prejudice and Zombies enough times in the bookstore to have gotten over the initial urge to cringe each time I saw it. As I saw more and more of these types of books pop up lately, I'm sorry to say my curiosity got the better of me. I just had to see what all the fuss was about. I want my $10 back. Oh and those several hours I spent reading it...yeah, want those back to.

Now, I know I'm a bit of a purist (ok...a lot of a purist) when it comes to the traditional English Literature Cannon but I can appreciate creativity and ingenuity when I see it. But I had to draw the line when after killing three of Lady Catherine De Bourg's ninjas, Elizabeth Bennet killed the third by pinning it to the wall with her Katana sword (huh?) and then finishing him off by punching her hand through his chest and ripping his heart out of his body and then eating it. I'm sorry...what?

Where is all the humor and satire? It seems the "author" (i use that term very loosely here) took out all the wonderful aspects of Austen's story and inserted Zombies, muskets, ninjas and dojos. Obviously he's catering to a very different audience but then why use Austen at all then? Or Tolstoy? or Shakespeare? The more I think about it, the more it irritates me. I suppose I should just be happy people are reading the "classics" but are they really?

I'm not saying that one has to read Austen or Tolstoy or any other of the "classics" to be an intelligent, well read person but if you're going to read them, at least read the original. And if Mr. Grahame-Smith had been in the least bit clever in his approach I probably would have enjoyed it. However, the only similarities between the two were character names and places. He would also occasionally insert some of the original dialogue...sometimes and very small portions.

I know Zombies, Vampires and werewolves are hot right now but really....? Enough already!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Here's my beef...

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again...I am the medical anomaly in my family. Remember 2007? No...well read here and here oh and here. Go ahead, I'll wait....

Yeah...it's fun being me, isn't it. Since my surgery I have been fairly healthy. No random trips to the ER or unexpected hospitalizations. No more monthly trips to the labs to get my blood drawn. Then almost two years ago I moved in with Lisa and suddenly I start getting sick like every couple of months. I got strep. I hadn't had strep since I got my tonsils out when I was 8. And yes, strep is every bit as horrible as you remember it. I also got the flu. Again, haven't had the flu since I was a kid.

More recently, I almost didn't go to the Shakespeare Festival because I had a strep-like sore throat but two days later it was gone. This morning I woke up feeling a little bleh but got up and went about my business and was at work on time - 6am, to be precise. As I got started with my day I became increasingly nauseous. All of which culminated in my loosing my proverbial cookies around 8. Obviously, I went home and promptly went back to bed.

I woke up several hours later to discover the reason why I had lost my breakfast. The.worst.cramps.ever. Yes, they were so bad I actually upchucked. On the bright side, I know exactly how long it takes for Midol to kick in...25 minutes. I know because that's how long I laid in bed in the fetal position curled around my heating pad.

TMI...?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Dating Tirade

So I'm seriously breaking the "no late night blogging" rule but for whatever reason, I'm still up and on the computer. Feel free to stop reading now.

In the past several days I have had multiple conversations with several different people from completely different areas of my life about being single. It's not just LDS women either. And we all seem to have the same issues. Lots (in some cases) of first dates but no second dates or really, really, really...really bad first dates and then the guy thinks you're going to go meet his parent's in Washington for Christmas. Or no dates at all. Or relationships that have no potential to go anywhere. Or insanely creepy stalker boys. Or emotionally and mentally unstable basket cases that belong in a straitjacket...you get the point. MY point is...well, maybe I don't really have a point other than seriously...seriously?????

I know so many beautiful, wonderful, smart, talented, successful women that beat themselves up because they a. can't get past date #1 b. get past date #1 only to realize the poor schmuck isn't worth it c. aren't in a relationship heading towards the white picket fence, a dog and 2.5 children. Why do we do this? Why do we associate our sense of self with what don't have instead of what who we are and what we have to contribute. It makes me sad/mad when I see girls that have everything in the world to offer a guy and they get treated like crap by guys that have no business even asking these women out! Why do we put up with this?!

I may be closer to 30 than I am to 20 (and apparently in UT that means I am past my expiration date) but I deserve better than I've been getting dag-nabit and so do you (that is, of course, assuming that you too are single).


ps. I'm not really as bitter as I sound and this was in the context of several conversations and general bombardment of lack of coupledom.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Breakin' the law, breakin' the law....

So I'm kind of breaking my quasi no late night blogging rule BUT it's only 10:15 and I'm not in my pj's yet. Plus, I've been thinking about this a lot lately and this is honestly the first opportunity I have had to blog.

I've been thinking about guilt a lot lately. Random, I know. But I am nothing, if not random. It's part of my charm. So guilt. It's kind of an ugly word and emotion. I have been feeling intensely guilty lately. Rationally I know it's completely irrational and that it's ridiculous to feel this way. Because I'm the word nerd that I am, I looked it up on dictionary.com. This is what it says:

    1. The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame.
    2. Law The fact of having been found to have violated a criminal law; legal culpability.
    3. Responsibility for a mistake or error.
    4. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
    5. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
    1. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
    2. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing
Hm....self reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing...

Life has been pretty busy lately. I'm working full time, going to school full time, I'm on the very active activities committee at church, I'm supposedly helping plan AFSP's annual 5K in Salt Lake this fall, I'm a friend, sister, daughter and roommate, I should be working out on a more regular basis, I'm getting my endowments and should be studying and preparing for that and then add in the mix just the normal social realities of a single 20 something woman. There simply are not enough hours in the day. Work has been particularly busy lately and I don't usually get home until 6:00 if I'm lucky. Today I didn't leave the office until 6:45 and didn't get home until 7:30. I have all of this going on and I feel incredibly guilty because I cannot do any of it to the full extent of my potential.

If I go out with friends I feel guilty for not studying. If I stay in and study I feel guilty because I didn't go out with friends. Our ward campout is this weekend and I'm going up for the evening on Friday but because I'm going to the temple I'm not staying overnight and I feel guilty for not being more social and helping the rest of the activities committee. It is completely irrational and stupid but I that's just how I feel lately. If I don't go to every single ward activity, fireside, mingle and dinner I feel as if I am somehow not fulfilling my potential and I'm never going to find a spouse! It's as if I can see myself from the outside looking in and it's ridiculous but it can't be stopped.

Those closest to me know that I need my "me" time. I need time to just regroup and get away from life and just hang out...read a good book...watch a movie...take a nap. I need that time. It's crucial that I get this time but lately I feel guilty for needing that and taking that time. I'm being pulled in a million different directions and as a result I'm not doing anything to the best of my ability. I'm not being the friend that I want to be. I'm not being the best roommate I can be. I'm not doing all I can to work on my relationship with the Lord.

What about you guys? Do you have fits of inexplicable guilt or are you like my roommie and don't feel irrational guilt?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Time Management

The problem with being scheduled back to back to back is that you have no room for error. Yesterday was the longest day I've had in a while. After starting perfectly fine twice, my car died in the Harmon's parking lot on my way to work. I was running early so I decided to stop and get a Jamba Juice. I called my sister and she packed up her young ones and came to jump my car. She gets there only to realize that the jumper cables are in her husbands car and he's at work. She drops me off at work and my brother comes to pick up some keys and we try to jump my car. No luck. After work we went over to my sister's and my brother in law - the wonderful man that he is - looked at it. They got it to start and drove it to my sister's where I was watching the children. I get in to go home and it won't start. Several hours and car parts later, they finally got it to start. They had to replace the battery and the battery cables. I didn't leave their apartment until almost 9:00. I didn't get home until about 9:15. I was so maxed out I just went to bed.

The problem with days like that when you are scheduled so tightly, is that it tends to overlap into the next couple of days. I was planning on getting some homework done last night and a few other things that I needed to get done but because of car issues I couldn't. So tonight instead of going to the Oquirrh (no idea how to spell that!) Temple open house, I had to stay home to do homework and bake and cook for the ward boating activity on saturday because I won't have any time to do it tomorrow because of my work schedule tomorrow. Trust me, you don't want to know.

But I am now far to tired to do any of the things I planned. I went to the grocery store bought Pillsbury dough and the cookies turned out a little gimpy. I also bought stuff to make oreos and pasta salad but did I make oreo cookies and pasta salad? Nope. Instead I ate some dinner, picked up my keys from my brother and went and bought a printer.

And speaking of buying printers....dude. I got the cheapest printer I could find. It was still $70. I then get to the register and the cashier tells me that I'll need an ink cartridge because the one included doesn't really do a whole lot. I go and get the ink cartridge. He then tells me that I'll need a printer cable because that too, isn't included with the printer. But first the guy tries to sell me a printer cable that comes with a two year printer warranty for $50. No thanks. I'll stick with my $20 printer cable. I of course had to buy paper and I also bought some highlighters. The grand total came to over $100!!!! Seriously?! They couldn't throw in the printer cable? or at least an ink cartridge that will print more than one piece of paper?!

But back to my original point. This week has been very long and I don't foresee it getting better any time soon. I am greatly looking forward to my cruise in a couple of weeks.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Mary Tyler who...?

The girls at work call me Mary Tyler Moore. Having never watched the Mary Tyler Moore show I'm not sure what that really means or if it's a good thing. I'm going to go with it's a good thing.

So the pigs. I know it's not really their fault but I am really not liking pigs right now...or their freaky flu. I was supposed to go on a cruise to Cozumel, MEXICO and Progresso, MEXICO next week. Notice the past tense... supposed. Yeah, we're not going anymore. They changed our itinerary to a seven day cruise (our original booking was a 5 day cruise) to Montego Bay, Jamaica and Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands at no extra charge. Sounds wonderful, no? We were all set to go and then I realized that I couldn't go on a seven day cruise right now. I have to be back for the wedding I'm in. Lame, but no biggie. We could reschedule for June. We called this morning to reschedule but the prices go up in June and July so we have to wait until August to get the same price for the same cruise, 5 days, Cozumel and Progresso. AUGUST! To say I'm seriously bummed would be a huge understatement. Obviously we had to change our flights and there was a $106 price increase but who knows when we'll actually get it. Fortunately, Carnival will reimburse us up to $150 but it's the hassel of it all. We did each get a $40 credit while on the cruise...yippy skippy!

I was so excited to have my crazy, travel filled month of May and celebrate my birthday on a very large boat. We saw Wicked (SO GOOD!) on Sunday and it was supposed to be the kick off of a month of fun and adventure. Wicked, Cruise, Lisa to Portland, both of us to California at the end of the month. I changed my vacation days to the 11th-13th but I don't know what I'm going to do. If I want to drive anywhere I'll have to rent a car because my car currently won't go above 50 mph without shaking. Plus, i don't really want to go anywhere by myself. I could go to St. George but i'll have to pay for gas, hotel, car rental, food, entertainment...do I want to spend that money right now? I really want to take time off but I don't want to take it just to sit at home and I don't really want to go alone. See...? Bummed. big time.

Stupid stupid swine.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Blogging before bed...

...generally isn't a good idea. Blogging while in bed, probably an even worse idea but oh well. I find (and maybe it is just me) that I am more emotional and slightly irrational the later it gets and the more tired I become and all the late night rants (on here, to friends, in my journal) seem slightly ridiculous and melodramatic when read and remembered in the light of day - which explains why people say to "sleep on it" when making a big decision. So it's late-ish, i'm tired and i'm in bed...you've been warned.

I didn't get into Sarah Lawrence. I know, I'm announcing my failure on the world wide web - probably not the best idea. I figure we're all friends here, at least I hope and really, it's gonna come out eventually. I told my sister first..and when i say told, i mean i sent her a text message. I've been trying not to think about it and have been mostly successful. I've been pretty busy this week with work and helping friends plan weddings and such so i haven't had much time to think about it during the day. However, when i'm by myself, not focusing on anything in particular or trying to unwind and go to sleep, it's all i can really think about. I keep thinking that i've let people down. I failed at the one thing that i'm actually good at, or at least thought I was good at (see...? melodramatic, but at least i'm aware i'm being melodramatic). I haven't really cried about it, which i find kind of odd. When I was deferred for the early decision applicant pool for Scripps I was depressed for a while and i definitely cried myself to sleep for a couple of nights. And people may say, well, maybe you didn't want Sarah Lawrence bad enough and i don't think that's it. I've dreamt about this program and living in New York and moving on with my life for months. When i would look at my life for the next two years I saw so many wonderful and exciting things. Now when I look ahead i don't see anything. Nothing. My life is a complete blank. You would think that i would at least morn the loss of the future that I have dreamt of for the past six months. (before anyone comments how six months isn't that long, let me just ask you how many people you know that have gotten engaged and are married within six months)

I just don't feel like i've processed it at all...like i just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to think about it because if i did that would mean i would have to accept the fact that i failed...yet again. I don't think people realize how often i feel like i have failed or i could have done better and this is yet another, rather public, example of my own failure. So now my future stretches before me - a vast expanse with no details (again, melodramatic). I haven't really talked about this with anyone. I sort of did with my mom but i just don't know how to verbalize what i'm feeling and thinking. I just want to close my door and stay in my room. I don't want to go out. And I don't want to feel guilty about doing that. I'm tired of trying to be what people think i should be and then feeling horribly guilty when i don't measure up.

I know this is melodramatic and i'll read this tomorrow and wonder why did i write it. I know that i'm tired and stressed and upset. I know that a lot of this response has to do with the fact that I haven't slept much lately because I cough most of the night. I cough so much that it triggers my gag reflex and my throat muscles are actually sore, not sore throat sore but muscle sore from coughing so much. I know i'll get through all this and i'll come out on the other end a better person and hopefully had a better experience than i could have dreamed. I know I have a Heavenly Father that is looking out for me and trying to guide me in the right direction. I know this. But right now, in this moment i just want to give up. I am tired of trying and running into brick walls. I'm tired of trying and getting doors slammed in my face.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Is this man crazy??

This is an article that was on CNN.com today. I'm trying to figure out if the author actually believes this or if he is trying to be "thought-provoking" or something. Does he really think that legalizing drugs would be a good idea???


Editor's note: Jeffrey A. Miron is senior lecturer in economics at Harvard University.

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (CNN) -- Over the past two years, drug violence in Mexico has become a fixture of the daily news. Some of this violence pits drug cartels against one another; some involves confrontations between law enforcement and traffickers.

Recent estimates suggest thousands have lost their lives in this "war on drugs."

The U.S. and Mexican responses to this violence have been predictable: more troops and police, greater border controls and expanded enforcement of every kind. Escalation is the wrong response, however; drug prohibition is the cause of the violence.

Prohibition creates violence because it drives the drug market underground. This means buyers and sellers cannot resolve their disputes with lawsuits, arbitration or advertising, so they resort to violence instead.

Violence was common in the alcohol industry when it was banned during Prohibition, but not before or after.

Violence is the norm in illicit gambling markets but not in legal ones. Violence is routine when prostitution is banned but not when it's permitted. Violence results from policies that create black markets, not from the characteristics of the good or activity in question.

The only way to reduce violence, therefore, is to legalize drugs. Fortuitously, legalization is the right policy for a slew of other reasons.

Prohibition of drugs corrupts politicians and law enforcement by putting police, prosecutors, judges and politicians in the position to threaten the profits of an illicit trade. This is why bribery, threats and kidnapping are common for prohibited industries but rare otherwise. Mexico's recent history illustrates this dramatically.

Prohibition erodes protections against unreasonable search and seizure because neither party to a drug transaction has an incentive to report the activity to the police. Thus, enforcement requires intrusive tactics such as warrantless searches or undercover buys. The victimless nature of this so-called crime also encourages police to engage in racial profiling.

Prohibition has disastrous implications for national security. By eradicating coca plants in Colombia or poppy fields in Afghanistan, prohibition breeds resentment of the United States. By enriching those who produce and supply drugs, prohibition supports terrorists who sell protection services to drug traffickers.

Prohibition harms the public health. Patients suffering from cancer, glaucoma and other conditions cannot use marijuana under the laws of most states or the federal government despite abundant evidence of its efficacy. Terminally ill patients cannot always get adequate pain medication because doctors may fear prosecution by the Drug Enforcement Administration.

Drug users face restrictions on clean syringes that cause them to share contaminated needles, thereby spreading HIV, hepatitis and other blood-borne diseases.

Prohibitions breed disrespect for the law because despite draconian penalties and extensive enforcement, huge numbers of people still violate prohibition. This means those who break the law, and those who do not, learn that obeying laws is for suckers.

Prohibition is a drain on the public purse. Federal, state and local governments spend roughly $44 billion per year to enforce drug prohibition. These same governments forego roughly $33 billion per year in tax revenue they could collect from legalized drugs, assuming these were taxed at rates similar to those on alcohol and tobacco. Under prohibition, these revenues accrue to traffickers as increased profits.

The right policy, therefore, is to legalize drugs while using regulation and taxation to dampen irresponsible behavior related to drug use, such as driving under the influence. This makes more sense than prohibition because it avoids creation of a black market. This approach also allows those who believe they benefit from drug use to do so, as long as they do not harm others.

Legalization is desirable for all drugs, not just marijuana. The health risks of marijuana are lower than those of many other drugs, but that is not the crucial issue. Much of the traffic from Mexico or Colombia is for cocaine, heroin and other drugs, while marijuana production is increasingly domestic. Legalizing only marijuana would therefore fail to achieve many benefits of broader legalization.

It is impossible to reconcile respect for individual liberty with drug prohibition. The U.S. has been at the forefront of this puritanical policy for almost a century, with disastrous consequences at home and abroad.

The U.S. repealed Prohibition of alcohol at the height of the Great Depression, in part because of increasing violence and in part because of diminishing tax revenues. Similar concerns apply today, and Attorney General Eric Holder's recent announcement that the Drug Enforcement Administration will not raid medical marijuana distributors in California suggests an openness in the Obama administration to rethinking current practice.

Perhaps history will repeat itself, and the U.S. will abandon one of its most disastrous policy experiments.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

For all the nay-sayers

A couple of weeks ago, at the behest of my father, I spoke with a family friend that has quite a bit of experience in higher education. After speaking with him I was very deflated and confused and questioning all my plans and interests. And then, I didn't get into U of Cincinnati. I wasn't crushed but I was upset. I doubted my plans even more. Was what our family friend told me true? I wondered if that was partly due to my research interest - the lives of Mormon women and how they fit/do they fit into the context of the feminist tradition. I've talked with many people about this, Mormons and non-Mormons alike, and most people (well, women actually) find it an interesting topic. In one conversation, a friend said the biggest hurdle between traditional (i would say stereotypical) feminism and LDS women is the simple fact that in the LDS culture and religion the idea of a patriarchal social and religious hierarchy wasn't a bad thing. And to a certain extent that's true. I think the LDS version of patriarchy is different, at least as I understand it, from what main stream society and feminism understands. It's such an interesting idea. Can a woman be a part of a patriarchal system....not only be a part of but support and sustain the patriarchal hierarchy and still be a feminist? I think so but I know many people, on both sides of the issue, don't agree.

Anyway, that's just a huge tangent...let's just get back to my main point. So I was doubting and second guessing myself and wondering, what in the world am I going to do??? Then out of the blue - validation. I was looking up some information on the Sarah Lawrence website for my application and I was looking over the list of past MA Theses topics and what do you think is on the top of the list for the graduating class of 2008? By a Ms. Caroline Bitter Evolution into Self: A Mormon Woman's Struggle to Reconcile Radical Feminism and Religion. Um...hello? I know many people, and I hate to say it - men, don't understand why I'm interested in this. My father once asked me if I actually thought people would be interested in this topic - if I could find a program that could and would support it. This just proves to me that I can do this! I'm not strange and weird and the only one that has gone through this. Reading that was like a gift. It told me not to get swayed but the many different opinions that are being pushed on me. I need to stand firm. This is something that I have been thinking about for three years. Three years! I can and will do this.

watch....now I won't get into Sarah Lawrence....knock on wood!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

I will not freak out, I will not freak out

I've spent most of my day reading my old college papers. Most of them are on floppy discs, old school, I know. So I had to start up my old laptop with the floppy drive and then save them to a USB. I even have a few things from high school. Why am I reading my old papers you ask? Well, I'm trying to figure out which one I'm going to include in my graduate school applications. Very exciting, I know.

I am trying very very hard not to get overly frustrated and upset over this whole process. I feel completely and totally lost here. I have spent a good portion of the day Google-ing "Women's History Graduate Programs" and "Graduate Programs - Women's History" and "Womens' Studies Graduate Programs"....you get the idea. I've only found two really good options. Sarah Lawrence College and University of Cincinnati. When I was looking for undergraduate schools I applied to 8 or 9 different schools but back then I had a professional college counselor that started working with us during our junior year of high school. It's a little different when you're trying to figure this all out on your own. I'm taking the GRE next Saturday. I'm not terribly worried about it. My verbal score is really the only thing that needs to be really strong and that shouldn't really be a problem. But I need to find 3 people to write recommendations for me, preferably someone that is familiar with my work as a student. I haven't been a student for almost 3 years! I have to write a personal statement in addition to an autobiography and request official transcripts from Scripps.

I'm trying really hard not to freak out. Thursday night I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about all of this so, I got up and started my "autobiography"...at approximately 2 in the morning.

I think part of my anxiety is knowing that I cannot stay where I am for another year. I just can't do it. The very thought of it makes me want to scream, cry and punch something all at once. I love a lot of things about my life right now but I absolutely cannot stand my current job. There are good days and I enjoy the people I work with but the work itself is not interesting to me anymore. And I know that I can always look for a new job, I've done that...several times. I just haven't found anything that appeals to me or that I wouldn't have to take a significant pay cut.

It's hard doing this all on my own, without any direction from anyone. No wonder it's taken me this long to get going. It's a good thing I had a college counselor in high school, who knows if I would have ever gone to college!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Life is funny like that...

Two posts in one day?! I know, amazing, right? Anyway, I have been re-reading the good ol' blog here and I have to admit, I'm slightly embarrassed by some of the things I have written. I'm mostly embarrassed about stuff I wrote back in the beginning. I mean, really, did I have to quote those cheesy songs? And of course, now that I remind you of it, you all are going to go back a read them just to see if it's really as bad as I say. Trust me, it's bad. But if it were just the stuff from back in the day i guess it wouldn't be too bad. I can laugh at myself. I can say, wow, I was slightly melodramatic and nuts. I can say it. But the "Late Night Rant", that was two weeks ago. This guy that I'm talking about...the one that I'm confused about. Huh, not so confused anymore. It's like a switch has been pulled and I wonder what I ever saw in him. Don't get me wrong, he's a very nice guy but just not for me. I look at him and I honestly wonder where the attraction is/was. So I just wanted to let you all know that I am not pining for him. I mean, of course I would never pine to begin with, right?