So sorry...

I've meant to blog several times over the past month, really I have. There's been stuff at work that's been difficult, I went to a really awesome Young Adult Literature conference (heaven for book nerds like me!) and many other things that I have meant to blog about, but have now forgotten about.

I guess the lack of blogging could mean that I'm out enjoying my life or something like that...?

Today is Christmas Eve. I've been looking forward to spending my first Christmas with Scott for months now. Yet, in all the scenarios I imagined, never did I expect to be sick. I've had a cough coming on for a couple of days, but Monday night it took on a life of it's own. We're talking chest-cracking, lung spasming, muscle clenching cough. Combined with a fever over 100*, dizziness, aches, congestion and nausea. It's been a fun couple of days. Yesterday I felt like taking a shower and thought the hot water and steam would help clear up some of the gunk in my chest. Note to self and anyone else out there that may try this...taking a hot shower when you already have a temperature over 100* is not a good idea. I got over heated, nearly threw up and almost passed out. I had pins and needles all over my body and I couldn't control my limbs. Scott basically had to carry me to bed. Luckily, once in the relative frigid temperature of our bedroom, things went back to normal. Nearly scared the living daylights out of us, though.

We have had a Christmas miracle, though. Other than a lingering cough and a little stuffiness, I'm feeling worlds better today. Which, means we'll still be able to go spend time with the family tonight and tomorrow.

While this was not how I anticipated spending my first Christmas married, I think we'll both look back on this as a good memory. Even though I've been feeling miserable and exhausted, I am so grateful for the sweet husband that has been taking care of me the past couple of days. Scott's patience and love the past couple of days have reminded me of the true reason for Christmas and why we celebrate. Christ was and is the best gift we could ever hope to receive.

Merry Christmas folks from the Borens! May you enjoy your time with friends and family and remember the reason for the season.

Pardon my dust...

As Scott and I were talking last night I started to think about where I was at this time last year. Man! My life could not be more different. I had just ended a relationship that had gotten scary serious, scary fast. I was living in North Salt Lake while working on O-town and not really liking the commute. I was physically run down, emotionally drained and not really sure what I was going to do next. I wasn't particularly social and was trying not to get too depressed with my life and, for the most part, failing spectacularly.

Fast forward 12 months. I have changed jobs, apartments and cities. I am down one superfluous organ. I have the most amazing group of friends. I've met and fallen in love with a man that could not be more perfect for me, and he'll finally be here on Friday! It's hard for me to believe it, actually. I haven't seen him in almost two months...two months!! 

But for all of these changes that have happened...amazing, wonderful, life-altering changes...I still have quite a bit of work to do on myself. Loving Scott has made me want to be more loving, kind, and compassionate towards others. This is something I thought I was fairly good at, but I've recently realized, I need to do better. I can to better. I'm grateful that I'm marrying a man that makes me want to be a better person and just by being who is, encourages me and challenges me to do better. Turns out falling in love teaches you a lot about who you are instead of who you think you are. As it so happens, those are two very different people. 

Civic Duty

A couple of weeks ago I got a jury summons. I dutifully completed the questionnaire and waited for my notice to appear or whatever it's called. It came last weekend and I was told to come to the Matheson Courthouse for jury selection on Tuesday morning. I had no idea if I would be chosen and I wasn't sure if I cared one way or the other. Some are really excited to be called in for jury duty and others absolutely dread it. I thought it could be interesting to see the justice system at work and to participate in a very real way but if I wasn't chosen...no biggie.

Once called to participate in a specific jury selection you are ushered into a courtroom with the prosecution, defense and the judge. We were told it was a criminal case...the butterflies started going in my stomach. The judge read the laws that the defendant had allegedly broken. My heart sank. Sexual battery and sexual assault of a child. The questions they asked after that narrowed the jury pool down further. With each question the feeling of dread became like a brick in my stomach. My heart dropped into my stomach when they read my name for the final jury.

Numerous people over the past several days have told me how jealous they are that I had been selected. People thought it would "cool" and "fun" and "entertaining". It was undoubtedly interesting to see the justice system at work and to see the process from beginning to end. I am grateful for our system of government.

Yet, I wish with all my heart that I had never had to go. I wish with all my heart that such circumstances never came to be. I sat and listened to two days of child testimonies. I listened to two young teenage girls with autism describe the abuse. I saw a man break down into tears as the jury instructions were read and he realized just what could possibly happen to him.

The verdict was guilty. I am very glad that a threat has been taken off the streets and more children will not be in danger. However, that is not a decision to be taken lightly. It was a huge responsibility. Today I irrevocably changed a man's life. The responsibility of that will never truly leave me. I believe we made the right choice and I don't regret it. I only wish it had never been necessary.

Some of my fellow jurors were almost flippant about the verdict and the accused. The children did not have the best home life and comments were made about people like "them" and "us". Maybe it was a way of dealing with the horror of the situation...a way of separating themselves from the tragedy.

I didn't expect I would react this way. I didn't think I would be so affected. I went to my parents and cried to my dad. It still upsets me to think about it. To know that there is such evil in the world. To know there is such danger and uncertainty in the world. It breaks my heart.

I am grateful we have the opportunity to be tried by a jury of our peers, I truly am. I wish with all my heart and soul that it was never necessary. What I participated in these past several days was nothing short of tragic.

Reasons to be happy on this somewhat gloomy looking Monday morning

1. So glad the sunburn is fading...not peeling or pealing. Either would be gross and awkward.

2. Get to go see Harry Potter tonight with some fun peeps.

3. Slept through the night without waking up...I know, sounds like a new born baby update but seeing as how i haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks, this was a very welcome change.

4. Looking forward to a fun picnic with the tiny humans on Friday. I forgot how much I love Liberty park.

5. Finally got an answer to a nagging question and feel pretty good.

6. I have left over Empanadas for lunch today...Yum!

7. Duet with Lisa has been performed without any major hiccups...croaking notes, passing out or bursts of tears.

8. Clean room!

9. New friends are fun

10. Did I mention I'm going to see Harry Potter tonight....?

Let freedom ring!

In honor of the 4th of July I want to celebrate my freedom. I am truly grateful to live in a land where I can live and worship as I see fit, I do, but that is not the freedom I want to celebrate. We live in a society and culture that places importance on physical beauty. Emaciated models are held up as the ideal of beauty. Did you read about this? Granted, this is an extreme case but no one can argue that the fashion industry perpetuates the fallacy that only tall, willowy, skinny women with long legs are beautiful. There is a multi-billion dollar industry devoted to helping people achieve their "best" self. But what is our "best" self? It's true, the rising numbers of obesity - particularly child obesity - should give us pause and encourage us to be a more healthy nation. I support that one hundred percent. However, I'm tired of trying to fit some prescribed notion of beauty.

After just over 27 years of life, I am proclaiming my freedom from the weight loss game. It is such a liberating feeling to really not care about loosing weight. I can eat without the guilt. I can buy clothes without feeling bad that I'm not buying a single digit size. I have the hips my momma gave me and honestly, I like them. I like that I'm curvy and not stick thin. For the first time in my life, after a lifetime of self hate and insecurity, I love the way I look (in a truly non-narcissistic way, of course). I'm confidant in who I am. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a double chin with a muffin top with bad skin. I am a daughter of God. I am me and I am beautiful.

*Photos by LemonDrop Creative.

How Great Thou Art

One of my grandpa's favorite hymns was "How Great Thou Art". I remember playing it for him almost every time he came to visit. Now, whenever I hear it I think of him. He was a good man. He was caring and loving. He enjoyed people and every grandchild knew they were his favorite. Little do they all know, I actually was his favorite. Ssshhh...don't tell anyone.

Today I decided to take a drive up Big Cottonwood Canyon. It was a gorgeous evening and I wanted to see the green mountains before we lost the lush greenery to the desert brown of the summer. As I was cruising up the canyon, I had my ipod plugged in and I was listening to my Fav Sunday Tunes play list. This hymn started playing. I, of course, thought of my grandpa but as I was driving through the beautiful scenery around me I couldn't help but be struck my the words of the song.

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder

Consider all the words thy hands have made,

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy pow'r thruout the universe displayed.

When thru the woods and forest glades I wander,

And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees,

When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur

And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze,

Then sings my soul,

My Savior God, to thee.

How great thou art!
How great thou art!

Then Sings my soul,

My Savior God, to thee,

How great thou art!

How great thou art!

There is nothing more awe inspiring or beautiful than the milky way shining brightly as I lay on the top of the houseboat at Lake Powell. I am truly amazed and grateful for all the beauty that surrounds me.

Why hello, beautiful...

I am enjoying my first, honest to goodness, summer vacation in nearly five years since joining the "real world" and getting a full time job. After being in school for three straight semesters without a real break and after pushing myself to the brink of both a physical and mental/emotional collapse, I thought it would be wise to take a little breather. I'm still working, though only part time, and I'm enjoying the leisure and laziness I've missed for the past year. For example, today I don't need to be anywhere until 8:00 this evening. I have spent my morning wrapped in blankets, rereading Harry Potter and listening to the rain outside my window. It's pretty idyllic, really. At least as idyllic as I get these days.

As I get more time passes and I get a little more distance from last semester, I see just how bad it really was. I let a lot of things slide and I didn't take care of myself - spiritually, physically or emotionally. I didn't realize how bad it had become until I actually had time to think about things other than school. I did well last semester, I'm not sure how I pulled it all off, but I did. But was it worth it? Next semester I'll only taking three classes with one placement in comparison to the four classes and three placements I took last semester. Hopefully I'll be able to have a social life and have some fun. There was a big switch-a-roo with the LDS Singles Wards (LDS congregation for single adults age 18-30) in Salt Lake and I have a new ward. I've met some fun people and I can't wait to make more friends. I've missed feeling like I belong and I think I may just get that from this new ward.

Balance...I'm looking for balance.

I like most music except for country and rap....

How often have we all heard that line...? I know it's not "cool" to like country but I do. I like it because there's a lot of soul and faith in country music.

This gives me the chills.

Oh what a day...

I need a little friendly advise, oh mighty blogosphere...

I had several...situations, we'll call them, arise this morning. All in all, it was a pretty good morning. I got some incredibly good feed back from a no nonsense, call it like it is, New Yorker professor, I nailed my lesson this morning, and I looked great when I ran into someone I haven't seen since high school. The balance of the day was great but...yeah.

I've posted previously about my program and some of the attitudes and people in the program. I struggle with this new cohort. A lot. There is a general attitude of pretentiousness and bitterness. On more than one occasion comments have been made that were insensitive and borderline offensive. There is a general attitude of self righteous arrogance. Most of it is directed towards the LDS Church and the resulting dominant culture. But there have also been comments made about Special Education students and culturally and linguistically diverse populations. It's been enough to get my blood boiling on more than one occasion or a frustration headache at their general insensitivity and sometimes blatant ignorance.

Today it reached new levels. I am actually considering going to the professor in question as well as the director of the program. We were presenting mini snippets of lessons just to have a sort of dry run before we get to the actual classrooms. Situation one. This girl is not my cup of tea. She's from Park City, drives an Audie her father bought for her. She giggles and laughs her way through difficult situations and hardly ever has anything constructive to contribute to any discussion. We were the first to arrive this morning and I'm getting ready for my lesson. She told me she is currently teaching at Park City High and an English TA had prepared a PowerPoint on Shakespeare that she decided to use for her assignment in this class. Through out the presentation it became blatantly obvious that she had not put the PowerPoint together and, most likely, had not even looked through it before getting up to present. Now, the lovely roommie told me that I should say something to the professor since Park City had no qualms telling me it wasn't her work. Part of me wants to but the other part feels bad...thoughts?

NOW...this one is a real winner. This particular student, lets call him Big Mouth Bass (BMB for short) has never been my favorite person and I rarely, if ever, agree with any statement that comes out of his mouth. Add in an obnoxious nickname that he insists going by and it's a win/win situation all around. During the course of his lesson on the Massacre of Wounded Knee and the Ghost Dance BMB referenced something incredibly sacred and personal to me, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, in a way that made it blatantly apparent he had no understanding or respect for what he was so casually discussing. I almost walked out of the room I was so offended. After his presentation the professor told him, he can't go there...ever. I almost said something at that point. Everyone in the class knows I'm LDS and they kept looking at me, as I was clearly upset. I was on the verge of saying something but didn't in the end because if I had it probably wouldn't have been very constructive and probably would have done more damage that good.

BMB has always had an attitude when it comes to members of the LDS Church. I don't know what his history is with the Church but it's apparent that something has happened. He is constantly making thinly veiled comments about the culture and the conservative values shared by most Latter Day Saints. I haven't gotten too up in arms and I've tried not to get too offended. For most people, it's just ignorance but BMB seems to take pleasure in saying some of these things and takes every opportunity to do so. He even went so far as to say it is the "conservative culture" (aka the influence of Mormons) that is causing Utah's rising high school drop out rate. (completely and utterly false. there are a multitude of reasons that will affect the drop out rate. conservatism, isn't really high on that list - but that will be saved for another time). He seems to think that conservative people of faith, members of the LDS church in particular, are simply brainwashed sheep that can't think for themselves. He has no respect for our beliefs or our ability to make our own decisions.He made a comment today in class to the effect of he needs to "dumb himself down" to teach 7th grade - an incredibly worrying attitude to have going into the teaching profession.

Here's my major concern, aside from being incredibly offended by this incident, BMB is going to be teaching many, many students that are LDS. He is going to be in a position of authority over these students. If he can't respect their belief system and if can't treat them with dignity, should he be teaching them at all? I have a serious concern about him in a classroom full of impressionable kids. I am 26, almost 27 years old. I can separate myself and my beliefs from the insensitive, inappropriate and often times, offensive comments he makes. But will a 12 year old be able to do that? He didn't even realize that what he had done was problematic. He won't mention that particular aspect of the LDS faith again but what off hand comments will he make in class? He didn't see how what he had said was different from teaching Utah History. Students will pick up on that. If he can't put his own prejudice aside, should he be in a classroom in an environment where many, if not most, of his students will be of the LDS faith? I'm not saying that's good or bad, I'm simply stating the reality of the demographics of Utah public schools in most, not all, areas. I do know one thing, I wouldn't want my hypothetical child or any of my nieces or nephews in his classroom.

So here's my question(s)...do I tell my professor about Park City and her PowerPoint?

What do I do about Big Mouth Bass? I need to go talk to my professor about something else, anyway. I may simply thank her for what she said to him and possibly mention my concerns. What do you all think? Should I say something or just let it go?

Oh grow up...

I was driving home from work, late as usual, last week. It had been a long day and I was tired and I sort of went into auto pilot. I was driving down 900 East and the road was pretty empty. I drove through a random burst of fog that lasted about two seconds and continued on towards home and my waiting, warm, welcoming bed. My mind started to wander and somewhere between 21st South and 13th South I had a rather existential moment. An epiphany, of sorts. I realized that I am an adult. Crazy, I know. But really, for most of my 20s I've felt like something of a poser. I may seem all mature and what not, or maybe not, but really underneath it all, I'm just an insecure, unsure 16 year old. I've been taking care of myself for years now. Paying rent, paying bills, working a 9-5 job...all very adult-y things. But I've never actually felt like an adult.

I guess somewhere in my mind I was still hanging on to my childhood version and perceptions of adulthood. Husband, 2.5 kids, a dog perhaps and a house. When I pictured "being an adult" that is what I saw. A self possessed, witty, woman that had all the answers, an incredibly handsome husband that adored her, had an immaculately clean house, cooked delicious meals, sewed her kids costumes and still had time to pursue her own interests.

Well, life didn't quite turn out that way and now at 26 and change...almost 27 years of life, I guess I've had to reevaluate my perception of what it means to be an adult.

• I've been living on my own since college with a brief hiatus at my parent's house.
• I have been able to always pay my rent, put gas in my car, pay my bills, clothe myself and put food in my fridge and lately a little put away for a rainy day.
• I don't have all the answers but I've actually realized that's ok and not as terrifying as it sounds. I know how to find the answers I don't know and understand that maybe it's not as important that I know that right this second.
• I don't have my own kids but I love being an aunt.
• Not having kids also means I can buy that book or pair of shoes or whatnot because it's just me. I don't have to buy diapers or formula or any other baby specific paraphernalia.
• Yet, I would give up the extra shoes and books and bags for a family in a heartbeat.
• I know what I want to do with my life and even if a husband and family never enters the picture, which I seriously hope it does, I will live a happy and fulfilled life. I've found something I'm passionate about and for now, that's enough.
• I have faith that everything will work out the way the Lord intends BUT I also know that I have to do my part.
• Responsibility is a funny thing...

Moral of the story is, life didn't turn out the way that I anticipated but as I look back I'm not sure what experiences I would change or take out. Some were pretty horrific and unpleasant. Others were just down right heart breaking but I can trace some of my own beliefs, personality traits and self knowledge back to those events and I wouldn't be who I am without them. At 26 and change, I've accepted...at least mostly...that my life and adulthood isn't what I expected and that's just fine with me.

Too much...?

I have a tendency to want to take on the world and I load my plate up with all kinds of wonderful goodness. I see so many great opportunities and I just can't help but want to be a part of it all. A professor I had is involved with an educational outreach program through Westminster in India. It's a school for young girls that have been orphaned or abandoned by their families...right up my alley, right? I know, that's what I thought too. So I signed my name to the sheet of paper he passed around for those of us that would like more information. We've gotten occasional emails about meetings and such but I haven't been able to make it to one due to class/work conflicts.

I was also sitting in class last week and my professor started talking about all the endorsements Westminster offers. I was already planning on doing the Special Ed (SPED) endorsement which, as it turns out, isn't an endorsement but an additional license (K-12). As I've become more aware of what my reality is going to be as a teacher I thought it was also be a good idea to tack on an ELL (English Language Learners) endorsement...a lot of districts are actually requiring this now or are moving in that direction. My professor also mentioned Westminster offers a Reading endorsement. My brain automatically perks up and says, I can totally do that.

But...it doesn't stop there. Nope, not me. Why stop at only two endorsements and two license? That would just by silly, wouldn't it? Well, I thought so too. Which is why, when my professor told us that after completing one of the endorsements (any one) we'd only be a couple of credits away from a second Master's (MED - Masters in Education).

.......

For those of you who know me really well, you know where this is heading. Two Masters?? Suuuurrrre! Sign me up!

And yesterday in my intro to ELL/SPED class, I thought to myself, "self, wouldn't it be so great if you could speak Spanish...?"

...I don't think I've quite mastered the principles in Elder Oaks' talk

The Remarkable Soul of a Woman

As a spirit daughter of our Heavenly Father, happiness is your heritage. You are a choice daughter of our Heavenly Father, and through the things you create and by your compassionate service, you are a great power for good. You will make the world a better place. Life up your chin: walk tall. God loves you.

-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf