Jane knows best...

Ever since I read Pride and Prejudice as a senior in high school I have been in love with Jane Austen. It has become a joke in my family - sometimes a barbed joke - but it is well known that I have a deep appreciation and fondness for Ms. Austen. I've read all of her novels, novellas, short stories and many of her letters. I took multiple classes incorporating her work in college. My undergraduate thesis was entitled "Will the real Jane Austen please stand up: Representations of Jane Austen in contemporary society". It's fair to say that I'm an Austen nerd.

All the times I've read and re-read her novels I have related the closest to Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice - at least I hoped that I was like her. I wanted to be spunky, witty, independent and a challenger or social norms. Within my own sphere of influence, I think, I hope, that I've had a bit of success with this. At times I've felt like Eleanor or Marianne. Luckily, I've never really related to Emma.

My favorite novel is Persuasion. Anne Elliot is an underrated heroine, and she signals a shift and a new maturity in Austen's heroines. (Persuasion also has one of the best heroes and love letters) Lately I've felt more like Anne than I have Elizabeth. Often Elizabeth is held up as a literary archetype and representation of ideal moderate feminism when taken in the context of Austen's life. I feel Anne often gets the shaft. Her subtle maturity and consistency is often overshadowed by Elizabeth's youthful exuberance and wit. I'm definitely not claiming to have subtle maturity or even consistency for that matter. But I relate to Anne's challenges and admire how she deals. Yes, I get that she is a fictional character created by a woman long dead, but that's what good literature does, right? It speaks to us. We see parts of ourselves mirrored in the words and pages. It finds its way into the nooks and crannies of our heart and soul.

Should be working...

The end of the quarter is this Friday, so I have a mountain of grading to do, plus "filler" lesson plans to make until our new books arrive next week. I have all of this work to do, so of course, I'm blogging.

The past two weeks of work free relaxation and family was much appreciated and needed. It was definitely hard to get my bum out of bed this morning. Two weeks off is just enough to lull you into a false sense of freedom. By the end of week one you've finally let go of the stress of work, but by Monday of the second week you start to feel that creeping, sinking feeling. You're never quite ready to go back.

I also discovered something that seriously surprised me. For as long as I can remember I didn't really want to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to work. I wanted to accomplish something tangible and great. That being said, I know many, many moms (working and stay at home) and the work they do with their children and in their homes is tangible and great. I, selfishly and naively, wanted "more". I didn't think I would enjoy being a stay at home mom...probably because I didn't think that I'd be any good at it. But being home the past two weeks and taking care of my family and my home, even if it is only two of us at the moment, brought me a lot of satisfaction and happiness. When I told Scott of my earth-shattering revelation - I think I may actually enjoy being a stay at home mom, if and when it is possible - he just said that doesn't surprise him. He had very insightful reasons as to why. I'm grateful for a husband that knows me so well and supports me so much.

 

Take two...

So, I got home from work this afternoon and started to pen a rather heated, albeit totally warranted, rant. I still think it has merit and I may finish and post it at a later date, but after spending my evening at a church activity and then with Scott, I think there is something much more important I need to share...

Note...you are under no obligation to continue as what follows could be deemed, by a select few, to be smarmy, cheesy or overly Hallmarky (yes, I made it an adjective, deal with it).

I feel so incredibly fortunate and blessed to be loved by Scott. We both have our quirks and scars, but I don't think I could ever find a man that is so naturally giving and loving. His first inclination is to love and support. He's intelligent, funny, and handsome to boot! He's not perfect and I'm most definitely not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

Turns out that I have a tendency to get caught up in my job (wonder of wonders, right?) and I need to do better and prioritize my life. I also have a tendency to pull back when I come up against difficult situations. It's almost like emotional triaging. All the extra "stuff" gets shut down and I detach. I'm starting to realize that I can actually lean into him. It's sort of strange for me to have someone that will always put me first and I, in turn, will always put him first. It's taking some getting used to, but I thank the good Lord for bringing this man into my life, and giving me the good sense to grab onto him when I had the chance!

Pardon my dust...

As Scott and I were talking last night I started to think about where I was at this time last year. Man! My life could not be more different. I had just ended a relationship that had gotten scary serious, scary fast. I was living in North Salt Lake while working on O-town and not really liking the commute. I was physically run down, emotionally drained and not really sure what I was going to do next. I wasn't particularly social and was trying not to get too depressed with my life and, for the most part, failing spectacularly.

Fast forward 12 months. I have changed jobs, apartments and cities. I am down one superfluous organ. I have the most amazing group of friends. I've met and fallen in love with a man that could not be more perfect for me, and he'll finally be here on Friday! It's hard for me to believe it, actually. I haven't seen him in almost two months...two months!! 

But for all of these changes that have happened...amazing, wonderful, life-altering changes...I still have quite a bit of work to do on myself. Loving Scott has made me want to be more loving, kind, and compassionate towards others. This is something I thought I was fairly good at, but I've recently realized, I need to do better. I can to better. I'm grateful that I'm marrying a man that makes me want to be a better person and just by being who is, encourages me and challenges me to do better. Turns out falling in love teaches you a lot about who you are instead of who you think you are. As it so happens, those are two very different people. 

Life goes on...

For the first time in I'm not sure how long...every room in my apartment is clean. It's an autumnal miracle! With Scott moving down here in a couple of weeks my mind has turned to organizing and purging. We'll be consolidating everything in just a matter of months and suddenly I feel the compulsive need to purge. I did a first pass with my clothes, but I think I'll take another go. I'm going through purses, shoes, scarves. If you're nearby and would like to take a gander at what I'm getting rid of before it's sent to DI, feel free. I've moved so often that sometimes things just get shoved into a box and they're moved from place to place and I may or may not ever use them. There's a possibility that we'll just stay in my current apartment after we're married. It's small - 500 square feet...we'll be cozy, for sure. But you just can't beat the rent, location (for me) and laundry is provided for free. So, we'll still look around, but we may stay here. And because it's such a small place, it's time to purge. I may even box up some of my books. My friend, Shannon, has graciously offered the use of some of her garage to store a few things.

In other, non-wedding(ish) news...I love teaching high school. It's a bit of a culture shock going from the amazingly supportive faculty to, what I imagine is, a normal high school faculty. It hasn't been the easiest adjustment, but luckily I've met some really nice people, and Steph is around to rant to. I love seeing my students from last year wandering the halls. I'm enjoying getting to know my new students. I think we have fun. We work hard, but we also have a lot of fun doing it. I had an interesting conversation with my admins yesterday about the next couple of years. I really feel like I can build a very solid, rewarding and successful career at OHS. I'm excited to see what the next five years bring.

It's definitely been a year of transitions and major life changes...and we still four months to go! It's been bumpy and I never really thought I'd be where I am at this point last year. It makes you think about the year to come. Hopefully there won't be quite as many changes as I've had this year, but I'm very excited to see what comes.

Count your blessings...

I am feeling incredibly blessed tonight and I just needed to share it with the interwebs.

• I've finished my first week at my new job teaching high school. There were, of course, some ups and downs but I seriously love what I do. I love working with my students and helping them learn. I love the ridiculous things they say and how silly they are. I love getting to know them, and helping them achieve their goals. I had forgotten how exhausting the start of a new year is. It's a shock to your system - mental and physical. My feet and legs ache at the end of the day, my voice is a little raspy after talking all day, my legs are definitely feeling the three flights of stairs that I take multiple times a day. I'm a little brain dead today. But at the end of it all...I love it. Moving to the high school and leaving behind my security net of friends was a big move for me. I was nervous and unsure I had made the right decision, but after this week, I can say I'm so happy to have made the switch. I have the best job in the world.

• Even though I'm at a new school I still get to see familiar faces. All my students from last year that are 10th graders this year are roaming the halls. They stop me in the halls to say hi. My football players run up to me and give me bone crushing hugs. Girls that gave me attitude all year stop to talk about their day. I think it's a comfort to both of us. We're all starting a new school and, let's be honest, it's a little intimidating. It's good to see friendly faces in the halls...even those students that were a pain in the rear last year. It reminds me why I do what I do.

• I have such amazing friends. With all the ups and downs of the past four-ish months I have had a whole cadre of wonderful and stalwart friends from every part of my life step up to support me and encourage me. Friends are something that I've always struggled with. Historically, it's been difficult for me to make friends. Through school I'd typically have one really close friend and then various acquaintances. Never before in my life have I been surrounded and supported by so many strong, loving, kind, intelligent women. Thank you. You have gotten me through the past three years...most especially the past six months. You all inspire and amaze me with your individual talents and strengths.

• I'm not sure just how to articulate this one...Vlad is...well, he's the best blessing. He's a man that isn't afraid of hard work. He's a man of quiet strength. He works so hard to improve himself and he's constantly, without realizing it most of the time, challenging me to do the same. We've been apart for about a month and a half and it's gone by quickly yet agonizingly slow. The best part of my day is when I get to Skype with him before going to bed. We're still waiting to hear back from his interview last week, but we're definitely feeling hopeful. If he gets the job, he could be here in 2ish weeks!!! How amazing would that be?!?!

• And finally, and most importantly, I am so thankful for the guiding hand of my Heavenly Father in my life the past year. It hasn't been an easy path that's lead me to my current happy situation. There have been lots of ups and downs, and at times I was ready to give up hope. I am so grateful that He never gave up on me. I have seen His hand and His love in my life in ways that are so undeniable it's almost laughable. I am blessed and grateful...so very grateful.

Down for the count...

Life is hard...really hard sometimes. I had an incredibly difficult day at work today. Somehow when I was in my program and listening to my professors describe all their crazy stories, I didn't ever think that my crazy stories would be quite that crazy. As it is, I have already started a collection (granted, it is a mental collection) of some pretty humorous stories. Yet, today crossed the line from humorous into straight...seriously??? territory.

I love the teachers and staff I work with. I love the fact that our administration is pushing us to be better. I love being a part of something exciting and important, because what we do every day is important.

And yet. . .

And I'm not leaving that thought unfinished to be intentionally vague, ambiguous and irritating. I honestly don't know what comes after the "and yet..."

And yet. . . there it is.