So sorry...

I've meant to blog several times over the past month, really I have. There's been stuff at work that's been difficult, I went to a really awesome Young Adult Literature conference (heaven for book nerds like me!) and many other things that I have meant to blog about, but have now forgotten about.

I guess the lack of blogging could mean that I'm out enjoying my life or something like that...?

Today is Christmas Eve. I've been looking forward to spending my first Christmas with Scott for months now. Yet, in all the scenarios I imagined, never did I expect to be sick. I've had a cough coming on for a couple of days, but Monday night it took on a life of it's own. We're talking chest-cracking, lung spasming, muscle clenching cough. Combined with a fever over 100*, dizziness, aches, congestion and nausea. It's been a fun couple of days. Yesterday I felt like taking a shower and thought the hot water and steam would help clear up some of the gunk in my chest. Note to self and anyone else out there that may try this...taking a hot shower when you already have a temperature over 100* is not a good idea. I got over heated, nearly threw up and almost passed out. I had pins and needles all over my body and I couldn't control my limbs. Scott basically had to carry me to bed. Luckily, once in the relative frigid temperature of our bedroom, things went back to normal. Nearly scared the living daylights out of us, though.

We have had a Christmas miracle, though. Other than a lingering cough and a little stuffiness, I'm feeling worlds better today. Which, means we'll still be able to go spend time with the family tonight and tomorrow.

While this was not how I anticipated spending my first Christmas married, I think we'll both look back on this as a good memory. Even though I've been feeling miserable and exhausted, I am so grateful for the sweet husband that has been taking care of me the past couple of days. Scott's patience and love the past couple of days have reminded me of the true reason for Christmas and why we celebrate. Christ was and is the best gift we could ever hope to receive.

Merry Christmas folks from the Borens! May you enjoy your time with friends and family and remember the reason for the season.

All natural

It's kind of funny (not really) how certain topics or issues that you've ignored or just dealt with can suddenly take on new importance when it can and will impact someone else. In this case Vlad. So I don't have uterine cancer (yay!) but I do have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). This is something I have known about since my early 20's but other health issues seemed to take precedence. However, now I'm getting married and I want to be healthy and have a long, happy life with Vlad. I also would like to have children. This is something that I've always wanted but now it is an actual possibility. I've found the other half of the equation. PCOS causes infertility. PCOS now has a very real impact on my life in a way that the other symptoms (obnoxious and frustrating as they are) never really have.

My doctor has put my on hormonal birth control to treat my PCOS. I have been doing some Googling and discovered that this course of treatment can lead to other issues down the road - like Type 2 Diabetes. Given my family history, on both sides, that's not really something I want to risk. So I've been looking into more natural treatment options and it's all so overwhelming. There are so many different websites and blogs and opinions... I don't know what to do or who to believe. I do know that my body is protesting...vehemently...to the current course of treatment. I was told to give it three months for my body to adjust. But dude...month one has been a doozy!

I've spent the evening making lists of foods and herbal/vitamin/mineral supplements that have been suggested. There are lots of different options it seems, but I've focused in on the ones that keep popping up across the board. I just want to be healthy and I'd like to do it in a way that doesn't involve ingesting synthetic compounds.

Sometimes I wish I had a degree in a medical field so this stuff made more sense to me...

The all clear...

I finally heard back from my doctor. After over a month of nerves and nonsense, I was told the pathology of my biopsy was normal. Phew...huge relief....huge! Thank you to everyone that has texted, called, emailed, sent me messages of support and love. It's made this scary situation a little bit better.

I'm particularly grateful to have the most amazing fiancee. He has willingly and enthusiastically entered this relationship knowing that there was very real possibility I would be very sick and could possibly lose the ability to have kids. It's kind of mind blowing, really. He's listened calmly when I've been pissed off about it. He's held me when I cried, made me laugh off my frustrations and just been incredibly supportive about the whole thing. It's definitely been a whirlwind romance and the distance thing isn't the easiest, but I'm seriously so blessed. (Sorry...that was a little gag-inducing, wasn't it??)

Patrick's response to this news was "YES. So glad. Now get married." That's all. My younger brother makes me laugh...he's so concise and to the point. Vlad and I are still working on the whole setting a date thing. He really needs to get to Utah before it's realistic to set a date. He's applied for some jobs and is looking at others, but no news yet. I'm hoping he'll be here by mid-late September...at the latest?? But really, it's out of our hands. So, if you're inclined to pray, we'd definitely appreciate it if you could add us to your prayers. We're doing our part but that will only take us so far sometimes.

In other wedding-related news...the longer this thing drags out without a definitive wedding date, the more ideas and "themes" I'll go through for the reception/wedding. I think I'm on the third...maybe fourth color scheme, decor yadda, yadda, yadda. They're all very pretty, just very different. Turns out my dream wedding is an outdoor, summer wedding. As we're heading into autumn, shortly to be followed by winter, I doubt my dream wedding will be happening. I do know that however it turns out, it will be beautiful. And really, all that matters is that I'll be marrying the best man ever.

Cheers!

For the love...!!

I'm on week two of starting birth control and holy hannah, I seriously dislike it. I would seriously love for my uterus to stop hating me...that would be great.


That is all....



TMI???

Redundant question...

It's the end of July. It will be August first in a few short days. Where in the world did my summer go??? I really do know the answer to that question, but I still feel there is merit in asking the question. I'm suddenly facing down the new school year, a new job, new curriculum, new office politics and I'm just now getting in some solid lazy, TV time.

It's not like it hasn't been a productive summer...I mean, my best friend married the love of her life, I experienced a cool new city and discovered the amazingness of Powell's City of Books. I discovered the cool, awe inspiring Cannon Beach, fell in love, got engaged, pursued moving to a different time zone, started planning a wedding, did a sister vacation to Cedar City, spent time catching up with friends, worked to maintain a long distance relationship (turns out this one is really difficult), helping out family...it's no wonder my head is spinning a bit, right?

There has also been a significant health issue hanging over my head. The week I left for Portland my doctor told me there was a possibility that I may have Uterine Cancer. Yikes, right? I've had a biopsy (which was quite possibly the most painful medical procedure I have ever experienced - and that's saying something!!) and we're waiting on results. I'm choosing to believe I am fine. If it was actually cancer I think my doctor would be treating this whole process with a bit more urgency. Besides, for the most part, I feel fine. However, for the past month or so this has been a driving force behind quite a few decisions Vlad and I have made. To that end, we've decided that we are going to focus on getting him relocated to Utah before setting a date. We want time to just be together as a couple before jumping headlong into marriage.

I have about two weeks before I have to go back to school. Students return on the 19th of August and I need to be back on the 14th. I'm starting to get a little nervous about starting at a new school. I left behind a pretty solid, amazing faculty and group of friends. I know I can do this and I will do it well. It's just that first big step into the unknown that always makes me a tad anxious.

My summers have typically been very lazy and seem to go on forever. By the time August rolls around I'm usually very ready to head back to school. This year I just feel like my summer is starting and it'll be over in a few short weeks. So even though I know the answer the question, I ask....where in the world did my summer go????

I surrender

It's 2:10 am and I have given up trying to sleep tonight. I went to bed a little before 10:00 and woke up at about 12:30 because of my back. I've seen a chiropractor several times and after the last visit I had three fairly serious flair ups in one week...that's some kind of record for me. It resulted in me going to InstaCare and getting a prescription for Lortab and physical therapy. The first thing I did when I woke up at 12:30 was pop a Lortab, I needed to sleep in order to be able to do my job tomorrow. Alas, not even the Lortab is working tonight. So...I'm up until I can ignore the pain enough to fall asleep. I can't call in a sub for tomorrow - or rather today - so, that's going to make for a lovely day at school. I am at my wits end. What started as a somewhat monthly issue and taken on a life of its own and taking over my life! I don't know what else to do. I'm looking for a physical therapist and trying to figure out ways to minimize stress in my life. But for tonight, that's not really going to do any good. I still have to get through tonight and school today.

I surrender. This is me waving the proverbial white flag. I give up...

Lesson Learned...

I have been sick since Saturday night with a nasty bout of flu. My parents are shocked and dismayed I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have never gotten one in the past and was just fine. However, now I work with a bunch of germ incubators in the form of junior high students. I have learned my lesson...I will definitely be getting a flu shot next year.

Home

So I'm home. I got home yesterday. There were some complications that extended my stay a few extra days but I'm home and all things considered, I'm doing pretty good. I still feel like crap and probably will for the next couple of weeks. Over all, it wasn't a terrible, horrible experience. It was surgery, not so pleasant but it wasn't the horrifying experience that i've been trained to expect from past medical procedures.

My arms look like I'm a drug addict. For a couple of days they had to draw my blood every hour and after a while, my veins started to protest. Why didn't they just insert an IV or something? well, they did but the needled pulled out of the vein (there's a medical term they used but i can't remember it) and they had to take it out and the other hand had the IV for my antibiotics/fluids etc. I've got some funny looking bruises on my stomach from where they gave me blood thinning injections and insulin injections. For the past four days i've basically been a human pincushion. But like i said, all things considered, I'm doing pretty good. The hardest part is going to be not doing too much. I always push myself more than i should. I feel "good" so i go do something and then i end up feeling like crap. And in this case doing "something" can be as simple as going up and down the stairs too many times or even showering. I took a shower this afternoon and it feels great to be clean, but i am utterly pooped now. And food tastes funny. Not horrible...just off.

So yeah...i'm home. I'm alive and i'm feeling good...relatively speaking.

My 5 Seconds

There's a scene in season one of Lost, I think it's the pilot, where Jack asks Kate to sew up the cut in his shoulder/back. She asks him why he isn't scared and he tells her this story about how he once made a mistake on his first surgery and he cut open a woman's spine. He told Kate that he had two options at that moment, he could completely freeze up and let this woman die or he could give way to the fear. Let it completely consume him and overwhelm him...for 5 seconds. For 5 seconds he let the fear take control then he took control and saved the woman's life. Later in the show, Kate uses Jack's advice. She gives over to the fear for 5 seconds and then she runs and kicks some serious butt. This is my 5 seconds.

The surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. I'll be in the hospital 2-3 days. I'll go home on Saturday or Sunday, depending on how i'm doing. I'm not nervous/anxious/scared about the surgery. I know i should be but i'm not. I know it's not going to really hurt...i mean they are shoving some sort of sharp instrument up my nose, so that's not really going to feel too great, but it's not going to be incredibly painful.

Over the past couple of days people have been asking me if i'm excited about the surgery. Why, yes...yes i am excited. I'm excited to have a sharp medical instrument shoved up my nose. I'm very excited about the withdrawal symptoms that i'll be feeling for the weeks following the surgery. I'm am especially excited about the perma-PMS from hell that i'll be experiencing in the coming months while my body readjusts. I could not be happier about the fact that I will be taking prednizone (sp)...aka the fat drug. As if i don't like the way i look enough, i now have to take a drug that one of the most common side effects is weight gain.

When I started seeing Dr. Swenson in May, she took me off all the meds that i had been taking that had been "treating" what people thought was wrong with me. They were all treating the symptoms...or at least alleviating the symptoms. I've been on medication for most of my life and i had never realized just how much it actually helped. No, I'm not a beauty queen but i'm not obese and my skin could be much worse. In the months since i've been off all the medications i've gained about 10-15 pounds, my skin has decided that it would rather look like a 14 year old with really bad PMS. As emotional and moody as i can get...that's nothing compared to what i've been feeling lately. And that's what i have to look forward to in the coming months. why wouldn't i be excited?

People hear "surgery" and they immediately think physical discomfort and pain but in this situation, nothing i've been through, am going through, will be going through is physical in that sense. I'm not sick in the sense that it is visible to people. I don't have horns, purple dots, stripes, or foreign objects protruding from my body but i do have to fight to keep it together on a daily basis. I have to muster all my self control to not completely lose it every.single.day.

And people seem to think that this will be the answer to all my problems. What if it's not? I don't feel fear/anger/anxiety/excitement about this surgery. I don't really feel a whole lot about it right now. I'm indifferent to the actual event. I'm irritated. I've been disappointed too many times in the past by doctors telling me they have the answer and nothing changes. I'm still emotional. I continue to gain weight. My skin won't clear up (even after going on accutane). Nothing changes. And I guess i still don't think anything will change. I just don't believe it. Can you really blame me? Every time I go to the doctor...every ER visit, hospital stay, I'm the "mystery" case. I go home with generic antibiotics or pain meds and a, "well...if it comes back give us a call but we don't know what's wrong with you". And if by some miracle this is actually the answer and this fixes "it", what am i supposed to expect? I've never known anything other than my reality. How can i get excited for something that i have absolutely no frame of reference for??

And even if this does "work" it may not be a permanent fix. It may come back which would mean another surgery. Or it may not be the answer at all! They go in a take out these two growths and nothing changes. The "recovery" time is 2-3 weeks. That's how long it is going to take for my body to physically heal. That doesn't mean that i'm going to be over this in 3 weeks. It's going to take months... months for us to know if anything is even different!

So no. No....i'm not excited about this surgery. And if one more person asks such an asinine question i just may lose it completely

5 seconds up. Back to work.

Something to look forward to....

Fun for the Future.

They have to break my face....um.....no?

Becuase I'm me and my body hates me

After the trauma of thursday, my body has still been trying to recover and just heal. Should be a fairly simply process, yes? We must remember who we are dealing with here. Normal people, yes. Healing from such a "simple" procedure should have been a fairly simply process. I was feeling pretty good and i went about my business saturday sunday. Went to work on Monday and I started to feel crappy and sort of feverish. As the day went on my right side started to hurt more and more. Every time i got up from my desk it felt like my insides were being ripped apart. I ended up going home a little early. As the night went on the pain just got worse and worse. I had been taking advil all day and my mom gave me half a lortab around 9:00 and i went to bed. I didn't sleep the entire night...well that's not entirely true. I think I sort of dozed off for about an hour around 3am. I got up the next morning and the pain just continued to get worse. Since it was on the right side and it was in the same general area of where the doctor had been digging around we're thinking something is just bruised or he may have nicked something, so we call the doctor and he says to come in and he'll take a look. We get there and they wheel me in in a wheel chair. We sit in the depressingly small radiology waiting room for the doctor to come and talk to us. He takes me back to an examination room and does his poking and pushing, causing much pain, and decides that it doesn't have anything to do with the procedure he had done and that i should go to the ER-he's thinking appendicitis. We get over there and they start an IV and give me some morphine...such a wonderful drug. They draw some blood and the do a CT scan to take a look at my appendix. The CT scan comes back and wouldn't you know it...? it's NOT appendicitis. Even though it looks like appendicitis, feels like appendicitis and sounds like appendicitis, really...it's not appendicitis. Apparently if it looks like a duck, walks and like duck and quacks like a duck...sometimes in my reality, it's a hyena. The doctors are, of course, baffled, and have no idea what's wrong. They decide it's an OBGYN problem. So they do a pelvic exam. unpleasant on a good day- now add in the fact that you're in extreme pain in the pelvic area, you're tired because you haven't slept in about 4 days, you're hungry because you haven't eaten since about 5pm the previous day and it is now almost 6pm AND the fact that your doctor is a scrawny balding guy that gives you the slight ebe-jee-bees. So they do the pelvic exam, causing excruciating pain and embarrassment. They decide to call in the OBGYN oncall in the ER to take a look at my CT scan because something was "amiss". So we wait about an hour for the doctor show up. She does, yet another, excruciatingly painful pelvic exam and then before she can tell us anything really she was to wait for the lab results to come back and she gets called away to deliver several babies. So it's about 10:00 and we still haven't seen the doctor again, i've had to hobble back and forth to the bathroom, climbing in and out of bed, again causing excruciating pain every time i move. She finally comes back and they have decided that it's some sort of infection and they're going to admit me to the hospital for the night to give me antibiotics through an IV and keep me for observation. So my parents go home and i get put into a bed upstairs sharing a room with a woman that had been in an accident on her moped. No, i am not making this up. It was actually pretty serious and doctors kept coming in all night, turning lights on and rolling her out on her bed several times to get xrays done, ct scans done what have you. When she wasn't being scanned or tested for something she's either hacking and coughing or on her cell phone with someone from her family. She's from Pocatello, Idaho and was driven to the U of U hospital in an ambulance because they would be able to do her surgery. That combined with the fact that every two hours someone would come in and wake me up to take my vital signs, it was a miracle that i was able to sleep at all. Several doctors come in through out the night to introduce themselves and get the "story" from me. By the time i leave the hospital i have answered the same questions and told the same story at least 10 times. I wake up this morning after having a temp of about 102 most of the night in gross sweaty sheets and the same hospital gown and feeling rather disgusting because i haven't showered since monday (it is now wednesday parade of doctors starts early. The entire OBGYN "team" has been assigned to my case and all put one of them are young, attractive guys. Because obviously with my luck, nothing else would have been acceptable. They still don't know much else besides the fact that I have some sort of infection in the general area of my lower right abdomen/pelvic area. So they keep me for the day and do an ultrasound and keep me on antibiotics. I'm feeling so much better and i can actually walk around with wanting to die. But because it's a hospital and it's me that is problem.

i'm stuck sitting in a hospital bed with the hacking roommate that is on the phone all day with her family. The doctors finally come in around 6:00, they still don't know what exactly happened other than I had/have an infection of some sort and they still don't know why exactly. So I go home and i have my own little pharmacy of antibiotics and painkillers.

So let's count...in the past week i have spent three days in the hospital. I've missed 4 days of work. and i have yet another hospital stay to look forward to in the coming months. I could react to this in one of two ways...i could lose it and have a melt down or i can laugh. i choose to laugh. laughing is far more pleasant than crying, although i probably will cry at least once at some point before this whole ordeal is over, and that doesn't count the times i've already cried.

Monsoon Season

Last Thursday I had a Petrosal Sinus Sampling. I went in there thinking it would be about an par with getting regular labs done...probably a bit more unpleasant than most but not terribly painful or laborious. I couldn't have been more wrong. It was as pleasant as it sounds.

This is what they say about it on Pituitary.org: This test is not always required, but in many cases, it is the best way to separate pituitary from ectopic causes of Cushing’s syndrome. Samples of blood are drawn from the petrosal sinuses, veins which drain the pituitary, by introducing catheters through a vein in the upper thigh/groin region, with local anesthesia and mild sedation. X-rays are used to confirm the correct position of the catheters. Often CRH, the hormone which causes the pituitary to secrete ACTH, is given during this test to improve diagnostic accuracy. Levels of ACTH in the petrosal sinuses are measured and compared with ACTH levels in a forearm vein. ACTH levels higher in the petrosal sinuses than in the forearm vein indicate the presence of a pituitary adenoma; similar levels suggest ectopic ACTH syndrome.

Sounds simple enough, no? We should know by now that when it comes to medical matters, nothing is ever simple. Going in I really had no idea what was going to happen. I thought they were going to go through my nose...seems like the most direct route to the pituitary. I could have been more wrong. They went through my ephemeral vein in my leg. The inserted catheters on either side of my groin area into the ephemeral vein and snaked it up through my kidney, through my heart and up to the jugular artery in my throat. Apparently everything from the brain drains down through the jugular artery. So they took 27 test tube samples. 27 different samples. Still, doesn't sound too horrific...unpleasant yes, horrific not so much. But you're forgetting who we're talking about here. This is me. When it comes to medical issues, nothing is every simple and nothing goes the way it should. So they "sedate" me. I was supposed to be heavily sedated but not out so much that they couldn't wake me easily. I was basically completely lucid through the entire procedure. I pretty much heard every word, felt every pinch. The "procedure" was supposed to last about 3 hours...it took them 2 hours longer. Why you ask? Because it's me and my anatomy is pretty screwy. The vein is supposed to sit beside the artery...but not me...no...my vein sits on top of my artery so they couldn't find it. They spent about an hour digging around in my lower right abdomen trying to find this vein until they called in the vascular radiologist with her uber ultrasound machine to find the vein. I've been laying on this table for about an hour when i hear the doctor (the chief of radiology) say, we still haven't gotten the vein, let's call in the vascular radiologist. AN HOUR!!!! All this time I thought they had been doing whatever it was they needed to do. So they get her in there and they eventually get the vein and once they had the uber ultrasound they didn't have any problem with the left side.

And let me remind you, i'm completely lucid through this whole thing. I can feel the blood stream down my right side and pool in my hand. Occasionally they give me more sedative which makes my nose itch..doesn't put me out just makes my nose itch to the point i'm ready to scream and i can't move my hand because i'm under a sterile cloth and they've got needles and catheters running through my major organs...you don't want to mess with that. So the nurse would occasionally itch my nose and i'd get sleepy for about 10 minutes until the sedative sort of wore off. They finally get the catheter up to my sinus cavity and start taking the samples. And every time they take a sample i can hear and feel a sucking noise. It doesn't really hurt it's just sort of gross. At this point i've been splayed out on this table completely naked in a room full of men with tubes and needles protruding from my body for about 4 hours. In my head i'm just thinking i want to go home, i want to go home - just get me out of here and let me go home and i start to cry. Not hard but there are tears and i start to shake. As they're taking the catheters out, not a very pleasant experience, they give me some more medication to stop me from shaking and help with the headache. I don't know what they gave me exactly...i think it was benadhryl (sp?) and a steroid but whatever it was my body did not like it. I started to shake even more and my legs and arms felt like they were swelling and i got pins and needles all over like i've never had before. I got nauseous and felt like i was going to throw up, what i'm not sure. I hadn't eaten anything in 24 hours. and my heart started to race and i couldn't catch my breath. They got the panicked doctor voice going on asking me what was wrong...and of course i couldn't coherently tell them what was going on but it passed in a few minutes. They finished pulling the catheters out and start to clean me up because i was basically covered in my own blood. They move me over to a gurney and push me out into the hall to wait to go up to short term recovery.

I'm sitting in the hall and i start to cry again. I'm still sort of shaking and i just want to go home. My right side is hurting and when i tell them this they act surprised. I'm just like...duh...what do you expect?! You were digging around in there for how long?! The nurse comes out and tells my mom that i'll probably be pretty sleepy because of all the meds they gave me...nope...i'm hardly sleepy at all. I wish i was. just sleep through all of this. And the meds were supposed to give me short term amnesia so i wouldn't remember any of it. No...i remember it all. I get up to short term recovery and i'm still bleeding and they have to clean me up again and they can't let me go until i've stopped bleeding. Eventually i do and they let me go home. They roll me out in a wheelchair and i can barely stand up. Driving home every single pot hole and bump in the road makes my body scream. And i get to go through this again in a couple of weeks...? we're HOPING that i have to have surgery. What is wrong with us?!

I'm still feeling pretty sore. I'm terrified of what the next one is going to be like. If they say it's going to be easy and recovery isn't so bad, there's no way i'm going to believe them. All I have to say is they had better put me out completely. Non of this "sedating" me...not knock.me.out. I don't want to remember or feel anything.

And this is what i have to look forward to....(again from pituitary.org)

Several therapies are available to treat the ACTH-secreting pituitary adenomas of Cushing’s disease. The most widely used treatment is surgical removal of the tumor, known as transsphenoidal adenomectomy. Using a special microscope and very fine instruments, the surgeon approaches the pituitary gland through a nostril or an opening made below the upper lip. Because this is an extremely delicate procedure, patients are often referred to centers specializing in this type of surgery. The success, or cure, rate of this procedure is over 80 percent when performed by a surgeon with extensive experience. If surgery fails, or only produces a temporary cure, surgery can be repeated, often with good results. After curative pituitary surgery, the production of ACTH drops two levels below normal. This is a natural, but temporary, drop in ACTH production, and patients are given a synthetic form of cortisol (such as hydrocortisone or prednisone). Most patients can stop this replacement therapy in less than a year. For patients in whom transsphenoidal surgery has failed or who are not suitable candidates for surgery, radiotherapy is another possible treatment. Radiation to the pituitary gland is given over a 6-week period, with improvement occurring in 40%—50% percent of adults and up to 80 percent of children. It may take several months or years before patients feel better from radiation treatment alone. However, the combination of radiation and the drug mitotane (Lysodren) can help speed recovery. Mitotane suppresses cortisol production and lowers plasma patients. Other drugs used alone or in combination to control the production of excess cortisol are aminoglutethimide, metyrapone, trilostane and ketoconazole. Each has its own side effects that doctors consider when prescribing therapy for individual patients.

I am not a happy camper right now.

The Horrible, no good, very bad day...

Just a quick disclaimer...this is going to be a long post, so for the weak at heart beware...(that means you, damien)

You know the saying, "when it rains, it pours"? I have felt the full force of that obnoxious cliche this week. So....here we go. I flew to San Fransisco on Sunday afternoon for my interview with Google on Monday morning. My flight got in at noon so I had the entire afternoon and evening to bum around and a rental car to do it in. After stopping by my hotel to check in and being told by the snotty front desk person that check in time wasn't until 3pm (how was i supposed to know that? I didn't book my room, the nice people at Google did that for me) I decided to go into the city and see some of the sights. Little did I know that "going into the city" meant driving at least an hour. After driving an hour and taking a slight detour to a target i finally get into "the city". It was a 20 degree temperature change from my hotel in Mountain View and it was foggy and slightly misting. I'm driving around trying to find the Golden Gate Bridge and Golden Gate Park. No matter how many times I consult my mapquest directions or the map the rental car place gave me, it's no use. I basically drove an hour to drive my SFU. I give up and drive back to Mountain View and reach my hotel, tired, hot and hungry. I check into my hotel and order a pizza because i am far too tired to put forth the effort to go out and find a restaurant and i have a feeling the person at the front desk isn't going to be too helpful. So I spent the evening in my hotel room eating mediocre pizza and reading Harry Potter. Could have been worse.

Monday morning. I'm supposed to meet Camille Hart at 9:30 in the lobby of 1400 Crittenden at the Google complex. I present myself to the receptionist at 9:15.

"Hi. My name is Kelly Buie. I have a 9:30 appointment with Camille Hart." The receptionist types away at her computer and says to me,

"Camille isn't in today."

"......"

The next 40 minutes are spent trying to find out who i'm supposed to met with. Turns out it's a guy named Tom. Tom is in a different building. Tom has a meeting he needs to be at at 10:00. It's 9:50. He gets my cell number and tells me he'll call me later and we'll meet some time this afternoon...noonish. My flight back to Utah doesn't leave until 5:00, no biggie. I am to now wait for Jason. Jason shows up at 10:10. We have our little interview and after he asks me where I'm going next. I tell him, I'm supposed to meet Sheela to take the Admin test. Not sure which building or who Sheela is because no one ever tells me their last name. After figuring out what building Sheela is in i get back in my car and make the 5 minute drive to the other side of the Google complex to Sheela. Walking to my car, my heel catches on the steps and i almost do a face plant on the sidewalk. I settle for slightly tweaking my ankle. It doesn't hurt too bad so i ignore it and move on.

I present myself to the receptionist in the lobby. "My name is Kelly Buie. I'm supposed to meet Sheela to take the Admin test." (sounding familiar???) The receptionist looks at me
and says,

"Sheela who?"

Again..."I don't know." Because no one ever thinks it would be a good idea to tell me their last name and I, in all my smartness, forget to ask.

So the receptionist spends about 15 minutes trying to find Sheela and i'm sitting in the lobby watching people come and go. He finally finds sheela and she's only passed me about 4 or 5 times already. So i go in and take the Admin Test. It's two LSAT type logic games. But these aren't your typical LSAT logic games...i've done those. I can do those. They're hard but i can do them. The Google Logic games are like LSAT questions on acid. They make no sense. I do the best I can, which wasn't very good, and go to find Sheela. She's not in her office where she said she would be. Turns our she's gone to lunch and didn't bother to tell anyone that I was in there.

She shows up and asks if Tom has called me yet. Nope. She goes in to call him. Turns out he's in a meeting for the rest of the afternoon and won't be able to meet with me. I'll have to come back tomorrow. I politely tell her, "I'm flying back to Utah this evening." She gives me a blank look and goes back to call Tom. "He'll call you later this week for a phone interview. Thanks for coming in. Bye." doesn't even bother to walk me out.

It's about 1:30 at this point and i've got some time to kill before I need to return the rental car. I drive back in the direction of my hotel so i can get back to the airport. I get lost...again...thanks mapquest. I get some lunch at Togos (probably the highlight of my trip, sad yes?). I fill up the rental car and head to the airport...again, getting lost. (Mapquest, i hate you). I finally make it to the airport and i'm thinking...."thank goodness! nothing else can really go wrong at this point." I walk into the bathroom to change out of my interview clothes and they had just finished mopping the floor but didn't put up a "slippery when wet" sign and i'm wearing heals. Needless to say i go down...hard....on all fours. I'm embarrassed and in pain but i shrug it off. I change and go to my gate. My knee is throbbing and my ankle still hurts. As i'm sitting there waiting for my plain, my knee is getting larger and it's harder to walk. Awesome. I get on the plane and get home. I get a phone call from Google telling my that I didn't pass the Admin test (duh) and that they would not be pursuing my application.

Whoop-di-flippin'-do! After getting lost three times (thanks again, mapquest!), falling twice, hurting my ankle, banging up my knee and my hip...i really don't care that i didn't get the job working for the completely unorganized company that basically had no idea that i was coming.

I wake up on Tuesday and basically spend the entire day recovering from Monday. If i'm honest with myself, I'm disappointed that I didn't get the job. BUT thankfully i don't really have the time to linger on it too long before life forces something else for me to fixate on. Yes, it doesn't stop there.

I went to the doctor Wednesday morning. Turns out, no, I don't have PCOS. I have Hypo-thyroidism and Pituitary Cushings disease. What's that you ask? well...I'll tell you. After having an MRI (now that's a fun one) they found two "spots" on my Pituitary gland that will need to be surgically removed. The pituitary gland is located on the very front of your brain in between your eyes. yeah. my thoughts exactly. I have to do one more "test" to determine which of these spots, if not both of them, are causing the problem. To do this, they have to sedate me and stick something up my nose and take a blood sample from each of these spots. Sounds pleasant, no? After they've confirmed the source of the problem i then will be referred to a Neurosurgeon who will actually perform the surgery. It's a 2-3 day hospital stay and then recovery time at home afterwards. And because your hormone levels are normalizing you feel like crap for a while afterwards. Maybe i'll get lucky and i'll get my own personal McDreamy.

But wait...it doesn't stop there!!!! Trying to schedule this last "test". My doctor said to have it done at LDS hospital...LDS hospital doesn't accept my insurance. University of Utah Hospital does so we call them up. No one knows what this procedure is. They've never heard of it. It takes my doctor's office to call them and faxing over the doctor's order for it for them to find someone that does the procedure. Comforting...yes? So no one is all that familiar with this procedure and they're going to stick a needle up my nose, towards my brain....right.

This coupled with my general distrust and dislike of medical personnel in general, does not bode well.

I've got a bone to pick with you

I really think that whoever came up with the ingenious idea for WebMd should be dragged from their home and tarred and feathered. Well, that may be a little harsh, but they should be punished. I know they probably thought it was a great idea and it would be helpful to the masses but really, i don't think humanity (myself included) can handle it. That's why we have doctors. They go to school for years to learn this stuff and here we can just go online and self diagnose! Genius, really. Boredom and the Internet are bad enough as it is, lets add in the ability to diagnose our own illnesses. BRILLIANT! Really...brilliant.

Poked and Prodded...

I'm not sure why but I seem to have really bad luck when it comes to getting my blood drawn. It seems that I always get the people that have no idea what they're doing or are new. I went to get my blood drawn yesterday at the Salt Lake Clinic. My doctor told me to go at 7:30 am so I got there a little before that so I could sign in and whatnot. First I sat there for over an hour because the person doing the checking in was confused about my lap request. I had two. One was a standing order and the other was a one time deal that I was having done that day. She just couldn't figure it out and no matter how many times I told her she just couldn't seem to get it. And then you add in the fact that I was dropping off something too...it was just too much for her to handle. Second: So i finally get called back and the girl (different girl from the confused check-in girl) looked a little nervous and unsure of herself. That's exactly what you want in someone that is about to stick a needle in your arm and fill several large test tubes full of your blood. As she's getting everything ready she is looking up at the wall and a check list of things to do behind me. Again...not something you want in someone drawing your blood. She takes a good 2 or 3 minutes to find a vein that she likes. I generally have pretty good veins and it doesn't usually take that long. She then swabs my arm several times and jams the needle in the vein she finally decides she likes. She then fills 4 large test tubes and then puts the cotton ball on. She then proceeds to initial the paperwork and put the stickers on the tubes when she realizes that she forgot one. She looks at the sheet, counts the already filled tubes and then looks at my arm. She excuses herself quickly and I can hear her talking to the other phlebotomist asking her to come and do the other one. The other girl walks in and gets the other tube in about 2 minutes. So if you ever have to go to Salt Lake Clinic to get your blood drawn, just hope and pray that you get Brittany and not Juliene.

So i got poked twice yesterday and once the person had no idea what they were doing. I don't like people in the medical profession. I just don't. I'm sorry if that offends any of you out there but for people that are supposedly so smart and capable, they sure do mess up a lot. And i know they're people too and they make mistakes yadda yadda yadda...i don't care. I don't want my doctor making mistakes. I don't want to hear oops! or uh-oh. Even if you're not sure of what you're doing, don't let me know that! And again...phlebotomists aren't doctors, i know but if you're coming at me with a needle don't show me you're scared or uncertain.

While I was waiting an hour to get my blood drawn Elder Russell M. Nelson came in to get some lab work done too. As he walked in people watched him as he sat down and everyone was watching every step he took. One woman was walking by and she simply gushed.."Oh it is such an honor to shake your hand!" and moved on. Another woman was sitting behind him and kept looking over her shoulder at him and finally she said, "Oh Elder Nelson-it is such a privilege to hear you speak and to meet you!" Then there was the guy that was trying to play it cool. They were sitting next to each other and they were both reading the newspaper -one was reading the Trib and Elder Nelson was reading the Deseret News. The guy finished his paper and said, "Elder Nelson, i'd offer you my paper but it isn't any good today". Seriously...leave the guy alone! He's getting his blood drawn. Allow him a little privacy and peace and quiet. How would you like it if you were sitting in a doctor's office and every single person in the waiting room was watching you and more than half of them came up to you and started talking to you like they knew you. Leave the poor man alone!

Job Description

So my doctor is really irritating. She supposedly knows what she's talking about, I guess but that doesn't really do me any good if she doesn't tell me what's going on or explain it to me in layman's terms. I had some tests done May 7 and I still haven't heard back from her. I called her last week but she was in "session" but I left a detailed message with my phone number for her to call back and she hasn't yet. I called again this morning and left a voicemail at her extension and I have yet to hear from her. When she does actually call you or you're at an appointment, she explains everything on the molecular level in a really detailed, confusing way. I don't need to know exactly what the cells are doing or why they're doing it...just tell me what it means for me on a daily basis and how we're going to fix it. And then when it doesn't work or something changes, let me know what's going on. I'm annoyed and frustrated and I know this level of annoyance, irritation and frustration is actually a symptom of whatever is going on hormonally in my body and would/could be fixed if she would just call me back, but that doesn't really help with the actual emotions of the moment, now does it?

Isn't it part of a doctor's job description to communicate with their patient? I mean, what's the point if you don't actually treat what's wrong with your patient? Although, as far as fulfilling your job description...I haven't been such a great job at that lately. But in my own defense, I'm getting everything done that is supposed to be done...it's just that I don't have a ton of work to do. Today, for example...I answered my emails and did a few other things but I was done with that around 10:00 (I got in around 9:30) and since then I have been working on my resume, cover letter, getting references together and looking for jobs online. The sooner I get a job, the sooner I can move, the sooner I hope to regain some sanity.

I visited Sara last weekend in California and it only solidified my desire to move to California. It is such a different environment. It's laid back yet constantly moving. There are young people everywhere. People are out doing things. It's high energy. I actually went 72 hours without having an "in-depth" conversation about dating, marriage, or romantic relationships. We talked about books and music and family and our jobs! It was great! I forgot what that was like. On Monday, when i got back I went to lunch and a movie with Sarah (not to be confused with Sara) and it was the same thing. I miss these girls when they're not around. I am so glad that Sarah's going to be in Salt Lake this summer. I'll be able to get a little balance in my social life, hopefully. I'm excited to get going and it feels great to actually be doing something proactive. I hate the job search process but it's a good thing. It means change and that is something that I desperately need right now.

Of course....

Of course the week I'm going on vacation to visit friends I haven't seen in a year, i get sick. I've been able to work 50-60 hour work weeks, working overtime, weekends without getting sick but the moment I go on vacation it hits me. I'll never understand how you can be congested but also have a runny nose at the same time. I don't get it. Yes, thank you irony. I am not amused.