Fails...

I got halfway through the disaster that has been my room for the past two-ish weeks and decided it doesn't matter. Lisa won't be home for another three days.

I love google...it's both a verb and a noun!

It is 3:30 am and I am still up. Why you ask...I have absolutely no idea. I just am. This leads to much inter-webbing. I've had several conversations lately regarding what kind of personality I have. People have mentioned the color personalities like I should know what color I am. So, I googled "color personality tests" there were quite a few interesting choices. Now, I don't know if this one is the most reliable but it was free. According to this test, I'm a Blue Personality.

BLUES tend to be overly guilt-prone
You like stability and security in your relationships and in life in general. 
It almost seems paradoxical, because while you do seek meaningful relationships in your life, and enjoy the company of others, you also enjoy your independence to do what you like to do.
BLUES need connection – the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact.


Sounds fairly accurate, don't you think?

I promise...

...to get gussied up more often.

...t0 let loose and dance it out.

...t0 let go and explore.

...t0 remember to smile.

...t0 let go of first impressions.

...to not borrow tomorrows problems today.

...to not worry over what I have no control over.

...to love me - all of me.

Probably could have handled that better...

It was a rough week. School was difficult, work was especially workish, I couldn't stop thinking about my church obligations and it seemed like my pants actually shrunk and my hair wouldn't do anything other than lie flat and limp against my head. All I wanted to do all week was crawl into bed and watch trashy TV/movies on Netflix. So what did I do this weekend...? Exactly that. I stayed in bed literally all weekend. I came up for food occasionally but other than that I hunkered down and snuggled in deep with the blankets and my Watch Instantly Netflix streaming right to my computer. Love the digital age. I slept late, stayed up even later and basically ignored my life for two straight days. But I did, at least shower every day (I'm not a complete heathen!) That is, of course, the mature and adult approach to such burn out. I'm fairly certain I freaked my roommates out and I even went over to my parents this evening and watched...the Super Bowl! I know...kind of frightening, right?

I tend to take on more than I can reasonably handle and then I get surprised and upset when I get burned out and have to hibernate for two whole days. You would think I'd learn my lesson and not take on so much. But there's always that thought in the back of my head..."well, so and so could handle this!" or "So and so does this AND rescues puppies from the pound all while finding a cure for cancer!". I have unrealistic expectations of my own capabilities and as a result I have spent the past weekend second guessing my own potential and ability to succeed in my chosen field. Yes, So and So does rescue puppies from the pound, in addition to canning all her own fruit/veggies, cooks delicious meals from scratch, works out every day (not that she actually needs to) and is sweet and funny to boot. But that's So and So. You'd think that after falling into this trap so many times, that I'd actually learn from it. Not even two weeks ago and I was giving myself a proverbial pat on the back for doing so well and all that. It's amazing how little it takes to bring us to our knees - or in my case, queen sized pillow topped mattress with comfy flannel sheets.

Oh grow up...

I was driving home from work, late as usual, last week. It had been a long day and I was tired and I sort of went into auto pilot. I was driving down 900 East and the road was pretty empty. I drove through a random burst of fog that lasted about two seconds and continued on towards home and my waiting, warm, welcoming bed. My mind started to wander and somewhere between 21st South and 13th South I had a rather existential moment. An epiphany, of sorts. I realized that I am an adult. Crazy, I know. But really, for most of my 20s I've felt like something of a poser. I may seem all mature and what not, or maybe not, but really underneath it all, I'm just an insecure, unsure 16 year old. I've been taking care of myself for years now. Paying rent, paying bills, working a 9-5 job...all very adult-y things. But I've never actually felt like an adult.

I guess somewhere in my mind I was still hanging on to my childhood version and perceptions of adulthood. Husband, 2.5 kids, a dog perhaps and a house. When I pictured "being an adult" that is what I saw. A self possessed, witty, woman that had all the answers, an incredibly handsome husband that adored her, had an immaculately clean house, cooked delicious meals, sewed her kids costumes and still had time to pursue her own interests.

Well, life didn't quite turn out that way and now at 26 and change...almost 27 years of life, I guess I've had to reevaluate my perception of what it means to be an adult.

• I've been living on my own since college with a brief hiatus at my parent's house.
• I have been able to always pay my rent, put gas in my car, pay my bills, clothe myself and put food in my fridge and lately a little put away for a rainy day.
• I don't have all the answers but I've actually realized that's ok and not as terrifying as it sounds. I know how to find the answers I don't know and understand that maybe it's not as important that I know that right this second.
• I don't have my own kids but I love being an aunt.
• Not having kids also means I can buy that book or pair of shoes or whatnot because it's just me. I don't have to buy diapers or formula or any other baby specific paraphernalia.
• Yet, I would give up the extra shoes and books and bags for a family in a heartbeat.
• I know what I want to do with my life and even if a husband and family never enters the picture, which I seriously hope it does, I will live a happy and fulfilled life. I've found something I'm passionate about and for now, that's enough.
• I have faith that everything will work out the way the Lord intends BUT I also know that I have to do my part.
• Responsibility is a funny thing...

Moral of the story is, life didn't turn out the way that I anticipated but as I look back I'm not sure what experiences I would change or take out. Some were pretty horrific and unpleasant. Others were just down right heart breaking but I can trace some of my own beliefs, personality traits and self knowledge back to those events and I wouldn't be who I am without them. At 26 and change, I've accepted...at least mostly...that my life and adulthood isn't what I expected and that's just fine with me.

1:00 am...what...?

I went to Denver over New Years and stayed with the older brother and his cute family. It was freezing but we hunkered down in our blankets, built up the fire and walked around with our sweatshirts and slippers (in my case legwarmers and two pairs of socks) and had a good time. We stayed up until midnight or later every night and I slept in until 10:00 or even 11:00 one morning. It was deliciously extravagant seeing as how I hardly ever got to do that last semester having to be to work by 6:00am. That means I woke up at 4:30 to leave the house somewhere between 5:30 and 5:45 am. It's really dark.

So now you're probably asking yourself, why on earth is she blabbing about all this? Well, really the question you should be asking is now why am I blabbing about this, but rather, why are you still reading...? Chew on that for a while!

But seriously, I started my new semester and with it a new work schedule. I keep my days open for homework (supposedly when my three other roomies aren't home - this hasn't happened quite yet as we've been sick in rotation...just spreading the love, right?) and later field observations. I'm in class by 3:30 or 4:30 (depending on the day) and then I go right to work until 10:00 or 11:00 at night. My point is, it is amazing how quickly my body switched to late nights. I stayed up until 2:30 a couple of nights ago to finish a lesson plan because the "juices" just started to flow...wow, that sounded wrong. In college my most productive hours where between midnight and 2am. It's amazing what one can accomplish when the rest of the house is sleeping. It also helps that I can sleep a little later.

I'm trying to get up by no later than 9:00 to at least attempt to structure my day. Some days are better than others...what can I say, I'm a work in progress.

Does this make me a snob?

I went to my Special Ed K-6 Methods class this afternoon/evening. The professor is a visiting professor that currently teaches at Murray High School and has done some semesters at SLCC. We spent almost an hour going over (word for word) the syllabus because she didn't write it and didn't know what it said. I'm sorry...even if you didn't write the syllabus, shouldn't you at least be clear on what is in said syllabus. If you're unclear about the objectives and/or the assignments of the class then you really should check with whoever it is you need to check with to get clarification...preferably BEFORE the first class...just sayin.

The class is about half graduate/half undergraduate students. The undergrads routinely got up and left the class or spent it chatting amongst each other. Then they had somewhat silly questions about the syllabus and needed her to tell them what the homework was for next week. Just look at the syllabus! I don't have a problem with them as people but I guess I'm just used to a certain amount of...professionalism? Educational experience/expectations...? I'm not sure but when they heard that the grad students taking GenEd Methods had to do 60 total hours of observations in addition to the 15 for this class they nearly had a conniption fit and they don't even have to do them!

The class is only three hours but it felt so much longer than my four hour class I had on Tuesday.


So here's the question: Does requiring my professor to be prepared for class and not wanting to have undergrads in my graduate class make me an educational snob?

This and that...

Today was a slightly frustrating day. In class this morning we were treated to a lecture on professional behavior because apparently this cohort is suffering from a lack of professionalism. Now, Westminster's Education department is fairly liberal as far as their educational philosophy is concerned, especially relative to the rest of the state. This fact tends to attract a certain type of student. We are outspoken, passionate, potential reforms, movers and shakers. There are also quite of few of the "Utah Haters". These are people that are not part of the cultural majority and are vocal in their frustrations/animosity towards the dominant Utah culture. Usually I don't let it get to me but today I was beyond irritated. The comment was made (in reference to professionalism in schools) that we are joining a conservative profession in a conservative state. A student added that could it possibly that conservatism that is causing the rising drop out rate of high school students?

Huh....? There are so many other factors that lead to high school drop out.

I struggle with this. The idea that 'liberal' people are more open minded and welcoming than conservative people. It's one of the great ironies of the label 'liberal'. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to educational philosophy and legislation, I think there needs to be some serious conversations and change but I don't think it's a problem unique to our conservative state.

It's like the class last year where everyone started railing against NCLB (No Child Left Behind). Is it flawed? yes. Is it punitive? yes. Do I think it needs to be tweaked, adjusted, changed? Absolutely. However...ranting and raving about it in a graduate class in a small liberal arts college in Salt Lake City, Utah, isn't going to change the federal legislation. It is the reality we are faced with as educators and it is better to figure out how to work within the confines of the regulations while trying to effect change.

It's a waste of time and energy to rail against the mountain. We need to be involved and vote responsibly but it's not going to change overnight and we need to know what the reality will be and how we can be effective teachers within that reality. The conservative nature of Utah is not going to change...Do I wish it wasn't quite so conservative, sure, but it is and I need to know what my reality is going to be as an educator.

I get frustrated when people act like they know better or are more enlightened than the masses that are simply blindly following dogma. It's disrespectful and it certainly is not professional.

Whew....that has been eating at me all day.

Superman!

I saw the movie Waiting for Superman yesterday afternoon. I could get up on my righteous indignation soap box but I'm not going to because I think the film truly speaks for itself. It's heartbreaking and frightening and if it doesn't make you at least think a little bit about the future of our country and the future of our children, then nothing will. So really, go see it. It's playing at the Broadway Theater. Really....go see it.

Dark and Twisty

We all have our dark and twisty moments. Moments where we doubt ourselves, doubt each other, question what we're doing with our lives. I recently went to my dark and twisty place... very dark and twisty. We're talking creepy Putty Caves dark and twisty. The place where the government had to seal it off because people kept dying, dark and twisty. There were several triggers for it, school, beauty and sense of self, friends, boys, family, work...teeny tiny crisis of faith.

I have had a rather complicated relationship with food most of my adult and pre-adult life. I have dabbled in various diets, work out routines, a youthful indiscretion with disordered eating. I love food, I do, but it seems to me that the ambiguous "they" seems to tell me that's bad. I shouldn't love food the way I do. I eat a cookie and I feel guilt for hours after. I want to eat pizza or pasta and there's the voice inside my head that worries what people will say about the heifer eating the carb heavy extravaganza. I just want to eat my bread in peace. Can't you just let me, oh creepy voice in my head? It's gotten to the point where I have started to equate my happiness and prospects in life to a slice of pizza or a delicious fudge brownie or ice cream. If I eat that ice cream, I'll gain 300 pounds and the I'll die alone and no one will know until the fire department is called in because of the smell. (Putty Caves).

In my rational, feminist, go me, thought process, I know this is ridiculous. I do. I know that eating that cookie or that plate of pasta isn't going to damn me to a lonely unfulfilled life of doilies and cats. I know this...but I still can't seem to shut up the voice in my head. I sometimes wonder if it's something in my head and no matter what my previous experiences, are I would still feel this way or if it had never even been an issue, if I would still have such a complicated relationship with food.

I had originally planned a fantastic, scathing, diatribe about the social construct of beauty. I even started writing it several times. It was going to raise a righteous indignation in the masses and start a grass roots movement to change how the media portrays beauty and the double standard of physical attrativeness between men and women. (Anyone seen Hitch?) Obviously, that didn't happen.

Last night I mentioned my dark and twisty moment to a roommate and she didn't know I had gone to my personal Putty Caves. In her defense, since school has started I tend to hybernate in my room, so not too much changed in my general behavior. It really was a mental shift. The comment was made that she didn't know that I wasn't a subdued person in general. That made me sad, I know that wasn't her intended purpose, but it made me sad, nevertheless. Somewhere along the line I've slipped into survival mode. I've diverted all excess energy to keeping the main functions of life moving forward. School, work, eating, bathing...breathing some days. It's sad that I don't have the energy to get all agitated and passionate about the topics I love. If I don't think about it too much I can almost pretend that everything is alright and the scary thing is, most of the time I believe it. We all have our personal Putty Caves. Our dark and twisty places.

Twice in one week...

I went to campus yesterday to pick up my books for the semester and it was teeming with undergrads there for freshman orientation. I had to chuckle a little at how terrified most of them looked. They moved in packs and timidly moved among the shelves of books at the bookstore. Most of them were still wearing name tags and clutching campus maps and class schedules. I was probably just as terrified but it's slightly humorous to see it from the other side.

I went to evening Institute Choir tonight and holy hannah! They're so young. I would estimate that a good 80-85% of the choir hadn't even started their first year of college yet. Yeesh...it makes me feel old!

This and that....

-I am leaving for St. George in hopefully two or three hours...waiting for laundry to be done.
-Went wake boarding for the first time in nearly a decade on Tuesday and totally rocked it.
-Face planted twice on Tuesday due to not wake boarding in nearly a decade.
-Found several bruises and scrapes from Tuesday but I figure if you don't go home with some bruises then you're not playing hard enough. Go big or go home, right?
-Spending the weekend with Ash, Sarah and Jon....big laughs are sure to be forthcoming!
-Half Naked man swinging around on synthetic vines and singing with men/women dressed as gorillas...somewhat skeptical about this one but we'll see how it turns our.
-Start school next week along with new work schedule.
-Considering auditioning for the Institute Singers. Pro- get to sing regularly with talented singers and sing at CES broadcasts and such. Con- would have to wear a not so attractive choir dress. thoughts?
-Made a new friend via Facebook chat...wouldn't you know it, a social networking site actually did some social networking.
-Get to see Lion King next weekend with my niece...very excited!

Words are great...

I love words. I love finding just the perfect word that absolutely encapsulates the meaning and feeling of what I'm trying to convey. I was reading the introduction to The Shame of the Nation by Jonathan Kozol and came across this little gem- excoriation. It means to denounce or berate severely; to verbally flay. "To verbally flay". How fantastic is that!! Not that I would ever want to be verbally flayed but isn't that imagery just fantastic?! It goes beyond anger straight to evisceration. Love it.

The Remarkable Soul of a Woman

As a spirit daughter of our Heavenly Father, happiness is your heritage. You are a choice daughter of our Heavenly Father, and through the things you create and by your compassionate service, you are a great power for good. You will make the world a better place. Life up your chin: walk tall. God loves you.

-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Raspberry Milanos and Orange Juice

My first two grad classes ended last week. I'm still working on a few papers, but after tomorrow afternoon I will officially be done with them. I have thoroughly enjoyed my classes and the discussions we've had in class, but towards the end of the class I got fairly frustrated. I'm not sure if it was just the nature of the two courses I was taking, or if it was the nature of education, but we just seemed to talk in circles. We spent approximately 6 weeks discussing educational theories and what is currently working/not working in our current educational model. I firmly believe that to be a good teacher it is critical to have a firm understanding of what the issues are. However, if all we ever do is talk about this issues, how is anything ever going to change? In the 6 weeks and endless conversations we had in my two classes, we never really quite got around to how to fix the issues.

I don't think anyone can argue that students that are coming from lower socioeconomic backgrounds, cultural differences, ELL students, Special Education students, and other underrepresented groups are at a distinct disadvantage. The studies have been done to back this up. It's an accepted aspect of the public school system. It's important to understand this in order to teach effectively, BUT what are we going to do about it???

In our last class discussion we were doing a general wrap up and I commented that I was frustrated because we didn't seem to discuss any possible solutions. This opened up a can of worms from many of my classmates about how easy it would be to fix if we just fixed it. I wrote in my notes - We're studying multicultural education and the myriad of difficulties and problems associated with multicultural education. Yet, we are treating it as if there is one blanket solution that will fix all these issues. It's naive and won't work.


The more I study and the more I learn, the more I'm considering going on and getting a doctorate in administration or policy or something. It's the administrators that determine the culture of the school. I'll definitely teach for a while but long term goals may be changing and shifting.

Life is good....

....just sayin'.

Should I be worried...

I started grad school on Monday and I after two classes I absolutely love it! I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around being in class every day for three hours after work and planning my time well enough that I get all my reading done, but the classes themselves are fantastic! We get to talk about learning and education and teaching....all the things that I am passionate about. Now if we could just incorporate shoes somehow, I'd be in heaven. But really, it's amazing. I was worried and anxious I wouldn't be able to hack it but I'm loving it so much that it won't matter if it's hard or not because I'll be enjoying what I'm doing.

My first class I got into a debate with one of the other guys about school funding and governance. We went back and forth for a good ten minutes and it was so invigorating and I had to really think. He challenged me and I challenged him. My dorky, geeky little heart was in absolute heaven. It makes up for the craptastic work week I've been having.

Really, if I knew how great grad school was going to be, I would have done it ages ago!

Huzzah!

What started off as a pretty craptastic day (just ask my mother) ended fairly well. We're going to gloss over this morning because I was in a bad mood, stressed to no end and very nearly on the verge of tears and I don't care to dwell on it. Anyway, I went to my MAT orientation this evening. It was a ton of information and it sort of scared me a little but as I was walking around campus and I saw the young wipper snapper freshman walking around I got a little giddy. We went to the bookstore and picked up our books (included in tuition, sweet, no?) and I decided to actually do the reading - not going to have too much time this weekend and let's be honest, I was excited to crack open my first textbook in FOUR years and mark up the pages. I know, I'm a dork.

I've been nervous and anxious about heading back to school but as I was reading my book tonight I was excited and engaged. I'm still nervous about the time management aspect of it all but I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now and I am extremely excited to get started. I promise I won't do this often but I just loved this quote from the reading:

If we are to succeed as a nation both in international trade and in leadership for democracy, we need to use the diverse cultural laboratory of our own country as a training ground for producing citizens who value differences, respect the validity of our own perspectives, understand the independence of people, and who have the interpersonal skills to effectively communicate across all spectra of ethnicity, nationality, language, culture, gender, values, and even political ideology. It is less important for students to learn to appreciate ethnic foods than it is for students to understand equal rights. Yet, much of what we have taught under the rubric of multicultural education has fallen into the trap of "Tacos on Tuesdays". That is, the trap of teaching about cultures and about cultural differences without teaching an understanding of how cultural differences, or gender, class, and other differences, contribute to the unified whole of a democratic nation."

Mr. Knightley vs. Mr. Darcy

No offense Mr. Darcy or anything but I think that Mr. Knightley totally kicks your butt. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the book and we can't forget the iconic A&E movie adaptation but it's been bumped.

The 2009 Masterpiece Theater version of Emma with Johnny Lee Miller as Mr. Knightley and Michael Gambon as Mr. Woodhouse. Romola Garai is Emma and does a much better job than Gwenyth Paltrow (no offense, again). Emma is one of my least favorite of Austen's novels but this movie made me want to watch it again. It captures all the wit and humor of the book and the secondary characters are charming and obnoxious as the occasion calls for it.






I think Masterpiece Theater should redo Pride and Prejudice...don't you?

Sarah's Key (6/30)

Sarah's Key
-Tatiana De Rosnay

This was a book that I had passed several times before I actually picked it up to see what it was about. It centers around the Vel'd'Hiv' round up of Jews in Paris on July 16, 1942. Sarah is awoken in the early hours of the morning by the French Police pounding on her apartment door. She is eleven years old. It is just her, her four year old brother and her mother as her father has gone into hiding. The police tell them to pack a bag and to come with them. Her brother hides in a secret cupboard and Sarah locks him in, thinking she'll be back soon to let him out. Her father comes out of hiding to so the family can stay together. With more than 13,000 Jews, Sarah and her family are packed into the Velodrome d'Hiver stadium for several days without food or water. Those that survived were then shipped to Drancy internment camp outside of Paris. There the men were immediately sent to Auschwitz. The mothers and children were later separated - the children left in Drancy to fend for themselves. The children were then shipped to Auschwitz and immediately sent to the gas chambers. Sarah manages to escape from Drancy and is taken in by an elderly couple on a farm in Orleans.

The driving character of the story is Sarah but you actually don't spend much of the narrative specifically on her story but rather how her experience during WWII changes the life of Julie Jarmond, an American Journalist living in Paris sixty years later. Julie has a unique connection to Sarah and her family that she is completely unaware of until she is assigned a story of the anniversary of the Vel' d'Hiv' Roundup. Sarah's story is absolutely tragic as are most Holocaust survivor stories but it's how Sarah's life and the mystery of her life affect Julia and her family that is interesting. Julia is completely changed by what she learns about the round up and Sarah specifically and it sends her life on a completely different trajectory. It's as if de Rosnay is saying that no one who truly understand the horror, despair and tragedy of the Roundup could ever possibly be the same again.

De Rosnay uses the uncertainty and mystery surrounding Sarah as a beautiful and tragic metaphor for the thousands of nameless Jewish children that were rounded up that night, separated from their families and later shipped to Auschwitz and immediately sent to the gas chambers. No one knew who Sarah was - not even her husband or son. She died crippled under the knowledge that her parents were killed in Auschwitz and her younger brother starved to death in Paris. When her son finally discovers the truth about his mother and his heritage, he, just like Julia, is completely changed.

It was wonderfully written and beautiful in it's tragedy.