First Melt down...check and check...

There are so many things going on in my life right now. The wonderful things are bigger than the not so great things...mainly, I get to marry my best friend (and no, I'm not talking about Lisa). However, there are few things that I can't control and are holding up some of my plans with Vlad. It's so incredibly frustrating because I just want to be with him and start our life together.

Other than hinting at it a little, I haven't said anything online and I'm going to be super vague while trying to explain what's going on. There are some health issues (me...I mean, of course it would be me, right? I'm the medical anomaly in my family, so why would that change now?) that will have a huge impact on the when, where and how of the wedding AND potentially the next six months of our lives AND the rest of our married life...potentially. The uber frustrating part is that I won't really know anything until the end of the month. That means that while we can sort of discuss options and potential outcomes in vague generalities, we really can't make any concrete decisions about anything.

And I mean anything.

We have a tentative wedding date, but that date may change...significantly...depending on the results of tests that can't be done until the end of the month. We can't set a venue with a date. And you can't really plan anything without a date.

We have no idea, really, where we will be living. Will I be moving and starting a new job? Will Vlad be moving and looking for a new job? WE.DON'T.KNOW! We don't really know anything other than we're getting married sometime in the next 3ish months.

Now, for a person that needs to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen and where it's going to happen on even the most mundane of events, imagine the anxiety and stress I am feeling to not know a damn thing. I'm a teacher. We like to be in control. We are used to assessing the situation and taking swift and decisive action to address the issue at hand. I can't do that now. It's making me feel a little helpless...and I don't like feeling helpless. In fact, I loathe it. It makes me cranky.

I love Vlad. I love him more than I thought possible and I really am quite happy. I'm just wishing we could fast forward to the end of the month and really begin. This waiting game royally sucks. Lucky for me I have a sweet, supportive, funny and kind partner in life to wait with. Overall, I'm pretty lucky, don't you think?

Once upon a time...

...there was a girl who was frustrated with the dating game. She was tired of going on first dates. She was tired of paying for membership(s) to online dating sites. She was tired of getting involved with men that treated her poorly or were just brain dead. She was emotionally drained and tired of it all and she was ready to throw in the towel. But before she could do that, she decided to give it one last go.

With some reluctance and slight resentment, she charged the dating website membership to her account. She knew what would happen...or so she thought. She'd talk to some men...maybe go on a few first dates, maybe even a couple of second or even third dates. But, invariably it would fizzle or he would be odd, weird, scary or just plain boring. Or perhaps they'd both acknowledge that though they thought the other person was nice, it just wasn't going to work between them.

Her expectations firmly in place, she went forth and attempted to put herself "out there". She came across one profile that caught her eye. He liked to travel...he was self aware...he had a cute smile. He also lived in another state. "Meh...", she thought, "Not like it's going to go anywhere anyway...". And with the click of a mouse she sent off the first round of questions, not really expecting a response.

Imagine her surprise when he answered her questions and then, gasp(!), he kept responding. It wasn't easy for either of them...they'd both been hurt in the past and were somewhat skeptical that something could actually work out for them. They progressed through emails within the website to emailing through their personal emails. Phone numbers were exchanged and with some trepidation, they had their first phone conversation. Clocking in at approximately three hours, it set the pattern for long conversations about any and everything.

Phone calls stalled as he was in a show followed by finals and disappeared for a little while. She wasn't sure what to think but, with some encouragement from her fearless best friend, decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and was patient...ish.

Phone calls picked up again post-show and they started Skyping. Soon they were making plans to meet up when she was on vacation in Portland.

You can probably imagine how nervous and anxious she was to meet this boy. He could be completely psychotic or smell bad or be totally boring or worse yet...be a wonderful guy with zero chemistry. Yet, she needn't have worried. They fell in love in Portland. It wasn't slow but rather like lightening. She watched him as he walked the beach with her, explored the Rose Garden and the Japanese Garden and found herself picturing their life together. When he dropped her off at the airport, she wasn't sure how they would make it work only that she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

What was originally going to be a two week separation turned into one week because neither could stand the thought of being apart for so long. She packed her bags and a week later showed up on his door. Luckily, he was expecting her...

The rest, I suppose you can say, happened as these things do. There was a ring and a question. I bet you can figure out her answer...

Something out of a fairy tale...isn't it?

Superwoman I am not

If asked, I would generally say I'm a fairly tough individual. I can do difficult things. In fact, I rarely do things the easy way. My job requires that I be a firm disciplinarian while also infusing a certain about of heart and nurturing into my daily interactions. The phrase "cruel to be kind" comes to mind, yet it's not cruelty (although many of my students would argue that it is), but rather discipline and structure. 

This year has had a lot of changes for me. I was made department chair, asked to be on the School Leadership Team, teaching productivity (that means the district bought out one of my prep periods so I teach an extra class), doubled my commute, started my ESL endorsement and continue to struggle with, occasional debilitating back pain. I don't feel tough right now. I feel run down, exhausted and a little depressed. I am so tired and swamped with school related responsibilities that when I get home, the last thing I want to do is go out and be social. But I have to and because I'm not I worry about all the other emotional and social aspects of being a single-almost-30 LDS woman. 

Somethings got to give. I can't really give up my job responsibilities so, that means I'm looking at moving...again. I know my mom is reading this and is probably shaking her head or wanting to shake me. I thought I could handle the commute and I probably could if I didn't have so many other after school commitments. But that is the reality. I don't know exactly where or when but it seems like the right option at this point. There is a certain amount of appeal to moving somewhere new and starting completely over. It's a fresh start with no preconceived notions of who I am. But I do know one thing, I won't be able to sustain this current schedule for much longer...