I will not freak out, I will not freak out

I've spent most of my day reading my old college papers. Most of them are on floppy discs, old school, I know. So I had to start up my old laptop with the floppy drive and then save them to a USB. I even have a few things from high school. Why am I reading my old papers you ask? Well, I'm trying to figure out which one I'm going to include in my graduate school applications. Very exciting, I know.

I am trying very very hard not to get overly frustrated and upset over this whole process. I feel completely and totally lost here. I have spent a good portion of the day Google-ing "Women's History Graduate Programs" and "Graduate Programs - Women's History" and "Womens' Studies Graduate Programs"....you get the idea. I've only found two really good options. Sarah Lawrence College and University of Cincinnati. When I was looking for undergraduate schools I applied to 8 or 9 different schools but back then I had a professional college counselor that started working with us during our junior year of high school. It's a little different when you're trying to figure this all out on your own. I'm taking the GRE next Saturday. I'm not terribly worried about it. My verbal score is really the only thing that needs to be really strong and that shouldn't really be a problem. But I need to find 3 people to write recommendations for me, preferably someone that is familiar with my work as a student. I haven't been a student for almost 3 years! I have to write a personal statement in addition to an autobiography and request official transcripts from Scripps.

I'm trying really hard not to freak out. Thursday night I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about all of this so, I got up and started my "autobiography"...at approximately 2 in the morning.

I think part of my anxiety is knowing that I cannot stay where I am for another year. I just can't do it. The very thought of it makes me want to scream, cry and punch something all at once. I love a lot of things about my life right now but I absolutely cannot stand my current job. There are good days and I enjoy the people I work with but the work itself is not interesting to me anymore. And I know that I can always look for a new job, I've done that...several times. I just haven't found anything that appeals to me or that I wouldn't have to take a significant pay cut.

It's hard doing this all on my own, without any direction from anyone. No wonder it's taken me this long to get going. It's a good thing I had a college counselor in high school, who knows if I would have ever gone to college!