So Cal Photos

Baby Elm Tree Lawn

This is a picture that I've taken every time I've visited Scripps - interview, first day on campus, graduation and various visits. It's Scripps through the years. I'm not sure what I'm looking at.

So Cal (pictures to follow)

I got back from my trip to California this morning. We had to get up uber early to make our flight out of Long Beach at 7am. Sara lives in Burbank and we left her house a little before 5:00am to get to the airport, return the rental car and check in on time. We didn't get to sit together on our return flight and I was sitting between two chatty kathy's. I was clearly interested in my book and they wanted to know what i was reading, was it good, what was it about. If I had headphones I would have put them on. It was far to early for me to be conversational. The trip was a lot of fun. Sunday we got up early and went into Claremont to walk around Scripps. I love it there. Every time I go I am always amazed at how beautiful the campus is and how lucky I was to have gone there for four years. It was, and still is in may ways, my home. It felt great to walk around and look at the graffiti wall. I think they restored some of the older classes murals. It was cool to look at the murals from classes that graduated as far back as 1933. You could almost trace the history of the US through the murals. We were going to stop by Patty's (the most amazing hole in the wall mexican restaurant ever) but sadly, they were closed. That evening we went to a BBQ at Sara's parent's home in Tarzana. We swam in the pool, Lisa tried to take on a huge inflatable duck and lost, we ate wonderful food, sat in the hot tub. I love Sara's parents. They are such kind and generous people.

Monday was a little more relaxed. We didn't have anywhere we needed to be. We tried to go to the Getty Museum but it is closed on Monday's...go figure. We decided to go to the beach. The ocean was beautiful and freezing. We hadn't planned on going to the beach so we didn't have our bathing suits but we walked for a bit and put our toes in. Somehow Lisa stepped in some tar and had to use Comet to scour it off. We cooked dinner at home, talked, played a game of Celebrity (SO much fun!!) and turned in semi early. I love california and I love visiting but i don't think i could ever actually live there. I hate driving in LA. I can't even remember how many times we got on the wrong freeway or went in the wrong direction and had to get off and turn around. We were followed by two yahoo's in a black mitsubishi SUV. They were smiling and waving and trying to get our attention. Traffic was pretty busy and they were cutting people off trying to catch up to us. I don't know what they expected us to do. Shout our number to them and the other thirty or forty people within hearing. I am glad to be home. I got some sun...I am determined to have something of a tan this summer. I'm trying to get a base tan going so when I go to Mexico in August I won't be completely and totally crispy the first day there and I have to say I'm off to a pretty good start.

Great news

I am not wasting any time in getting started on my teacher credential. I spoke with an Enrollment Counselor last night about enrolling in WGU's Post Bacc teaching program. I actually decided to go for a BA in Special Education (mild/moderate). Most, if not all, of my lower division courses will transfer because I already have a BA. I decided to go with Special Ed because it's more marketable, it would mean working with fewer students and I can also get my Elementary Education credential at the same time so it will give me more options. I am so excited to get started. I was going to wait until September to start because I wanted to wait until after my cruise in August but after talking with the Enrollment Counselor, who is also a WGU student, I decided to start in July. So I'm heading back to school July 1st. It will definitely be different and challenging in different ways but I am excited. If I work really hard, I could be done in two years, including my student teaching and I'll come out at the end with another BA. The plan is to work for a while after graduation and then go back for a MA in Education (emphasis to be determined later). And the best part is, since I am a WGU employee I get 75% off my tuition. Yes, you read that right. I will only have to pay $700 per 6 month term. Books will be extra but a lot of the texts are e-texts or have an e-text option. I'll still be using financial aid but I won't have to take out as much. For the first time in a very long time I am excited about my future. I won't be making a ton of money but I'll love what I'm doing.

Growing Up

So I wasn't ready to talk about it before but today I made the first step towards a grown up adult profession. I've had time to think and I took my sister's advice. It was good for me to get past all the emotion of it all and look at all my options. Up until now I have been considering a rather limited scope of possibility and opportunity. Shortly after I got my rejection letter I was having dinner with my mother. She told me to think about all my options and maybe consider something that I haven't thought about before. So I took her advice...(these Buie women are smart)...I have thought long and hard about what I love and what I am passionate about and I realized it wasn't as important that I get my Master's right this very second, eventually absolutely, but right now - not so much. What was important was that I continue my education in some way and further my career in the educational field. SO I set up an appointment with an Enrollment Counselor (EC) at WGU. I'm going to enroll in a Teacher Licensure program. I'm excited about it. If I work really hard I could be done in about 18 months. Unfortunately, I can't really hurry up the Demonstration Teaching (DT) portion of the program but really, 18 months, two years isn't that long.

So there you have it. The cat is out of the bag. I'm going to be a teacher.

These times are a changin'

It's Saturday night and I am home alone. I read an entire novel tonight...granted, it wasn't a very long novel but I read the entire thing tonight. Lisa is dating someone. When people hear that my roommate and dear friend is dating someone, the first question usually is somewhere along the lines of 'how do you feel about that?' I don't really know him that well but from what I have seen/heard/observed, he's a good guy. He makes Lisa happy, which makes me happy. They haven't been dating for very long but it seems to be going well and I'm happy for them. It has gotten me to thinking about my own future. I've had plenty of time for thinking, Lisa's not around much. If I'm honest, not getting into Sarah Lawrence really took me by surprise and sent me reeling.

I was in Church the Sunday after I got my rejection letter and my nerves were pretty raw and I was still pretty upset. I had a really difficult time maintaining my composure through Relief Society (I was sitting by a couple of girls I didn't know and didn't really want their first impression of me to be an emotional one). I ended up going home for Sunday School and came back for Sacrament Meeting, thinking I had calmed down enough and I would be able to keep it together to sit through an hour long meeting. I couldn't have been more wrong. We were singing the Sacrament Hymn #169 "As Now We Take the Sacrament". I was fine until we got to the third verse. It says:

As now we praise thy name with song;
The blessing of this day will linger in our thankful hearts,
And silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full. We'll walk thy chosen way. (my emphasis added)

I completely lost it. As I sat there silently weeping, Lisa put her arm around me and Beth gave me a Kleenex. I was and still am trying to make sense of my life. I'm trying to have courage to accept the Lord's will for my life. It's not easy and I'm a fairly stubborn individual so it's been a painful process. It was absolutely terrifying to put my trust in the Lord and have faith that all would end well and better than I could possibly imagine.

My sister was the first person that I actually talked to about not getting into Sarah Lawrence. Being the wise woman that she is, told me that I just needed to take some time before I worried about what my next step is going to be. She told me not to think about it until I get from my cruise. Well, that's been easier said than done...but I have tried to take her advice and I think it's been a really good thing for me. Because I haven't been, or at least trying not to, actively think about my future I have felt a little bit of peace. Don't get me wrong, I'm still processing and I guess you could say mourning. My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would, but when does life ever turn out the way you thought it would. Anyway, ignoring my rambling, my point is I have taken Annie's advice and I am starting to see the glimmerings of a future and a plan for myself. It's something that may seem out of left field for some people and for others it may seem fairly natural. I'm not quite ready to talk about the particulars (i know, annoying, right?) but I'm moving forward. It's terrifying to move on to something almost completely unknown and put my trust in the Lord to get me through this. Sorry, that's all the details you get for now.

Blogging before bed...

...generally isn't a good idea. Blogging while in bed, probably an even worse idea but oh well. I find (and maybe it is just me) that I am more emotional and slightly irrational the later it gets and the more tired I become and all the late night rants (on here, to friends, in my journal) seem slightly ridiculous and melodramatic when read and remembered in the light of day - which explains why people say to "sleep on it" when making a big decision. So it's late-ish, i'm tired and i'm in bed...you've been warned.

I didn't get into Sarah Lawrence. I know, I'm announcing my failure on the world wide web - probably not the best idea. I figure we're all friends here, at least I hope and really, it's gonna come out eventually. I told my sister first..and when i say told, i mean i sent her a text message. I've been trying not to think about it and have been mostly successful. I've been pretty busy this week with work and helping friends plan weddings and such so i haven't had much time to think about it during the day. However, when i'm by myself, not focusing on anything in particular or trying to unwind and go to sleep, it's all i can really think about. I keep thinking that i've let people down. I failed at the one thing that i'm actually good at, or at least thought I was good at (see...? melodramatic, but at least i'm aware i'm being melodramatic). I haven't really cried about it, which i find kind of odd. When I was deferred for the early decision applicant pool for Scripps I was depressed for a while and i definitely cried myself to sleep for a couple of nights. And people may say, well, maybe you didn't want Sarah Lawrence bad enough and i don't think that's it. I've dreamt about this program and living in New York and moving on with my life for months. When i would look at my life for the next two years I saw so many wonderful and exciting things. Now when I look ahead i don't see anything. Nothing. My life is a complete blank. You would think that i would at least morn the loss of the future that I have dreamt of for the past six months. (before anyone comments how six months isn't that long, let me just ask you how many people you know that have gotten engaged and are married within six months)

I just don't feel like i've processed it at all...like i just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to think about it because if i did that would mean i would have to accept the fact that i failed...yet again. I don't think people realize how often i feel like i have failed or i could have done better and this is yet another, rather public, example of my own failure. So now my future stretches before me - a vast expanse with no details (again, melodramatic). I haven't really talked about this with anyone. I sort of did with my mom but i just don't know how to verbalize what i'm feeling and thinking. I just want to close my door and stay in my room. I don't want to go out. And I don't want to feel guilty about doing that. I'm tired of trying to be what people think i should be and then feeling horribly guilty when i don't measure up.

I know this is melodramatic and i'll read this tomorrow and wonder why did i write it. I know that i'm tired and stressed and upset. I know that a lot of this response has to do with the fact that I haven't slept much lately because I cough most of the night. I cough so much that it triggers my gag reflex and my throat muscles are actually sore, not sore throat sore but muscle sore from coughing so much. I know i'll get through all this and i'll come out on the other end a better person and hopefully had a better experience than i could have dreamed. I know I have a Heavenly Father that is looking out for me and trying to guide me in the right direction. I know this. But right now, in this moment i just want to give up. I am tired of trying and running into brick walls. I'm tired of trying and getting doors slammed in my face.

Odd things I've seen lately

Oddity #1

On 7th East between 2nd and 3rd South there is a McDonald's. Just to the south of said McDonald's is an empty lot. I'm almost positive there used to be a dilapidated house there but now it's just an empty lot. I was out running errands with my roommate on Monday, it was a semi wet day, and we were driving past this once dilapidated house, now empty lot, and there is an older, heavier man with a large red and white stripped pick-up truck in the lot. Next to the truck there is a camping chair and the man was looking at the ground very intently poking around with what looked like a dark metal pole in a hole. We get closer and he sits down in the camping chair, pulling the pole out of the hole in the ground and we see that it's not a pole. No, it's a metal detector. I'm sure there is a proper term for it but we're going to call it a metal detector. Yes, the man was looking for buried treasure in the empty lot next to the McDonald's on 7th East. When we passed him on our way back home, there was another man there helping him look. I wonder if they know something I don't.

Oddity #2

I was driving to get some lunch yesterday. I went to Harmon's in Brickyard to get a salad from their oh, so delicious and fresh salad bar...really, it's amazing. I'm beyond excited that they're building a Harmon's Downtown...but I digress... My office is on 7th East and about 40th South. So I'm turning north on 13th East and 39th South, just across the street from Saint Mark's Hospital. On the north west corner there is a rather large office building and bank with a joint parking lot. The parking lot is pretty big and is usually fairly empty. As I was driving by I notice a car parked haphazardly with the front driver and back passenger door open and a woman in her mid to late twenties leaning against the hood of the car talking on her cell phone. That's not the strange part, the strange part is the two young children running wild around her. One, probably around 4 or 5 years old, has climbed up on the car and was standing on the roof of the car and was jumping. The second child, around the same age, was running in circles around the car and the woman is completely ignoring the two children.


And this isn't odd, but exciting. Today I booked my first ever cruise! I've been wanting to do something fun and exciting for my upcoming 25th birthday to celebrate a quarter of a century of me! (i'm not narcissistic, i promise!) so I thought a cruise would be a brilliant idea! I'm going with a friend from work. Her birthday is coming up soon after mine so we're doing a joint birthday adventure. It's four days with two ports. We stop in Cozumel and Yucatan. I've always wanted to go on a cruise but it's never seemed like a good time or a good idea but i just decided to do it. So we booked it today and we're going to book our day trips in the next couple of months (spread out the money so i don't go into sticker shock). We actually got a pretty good deal. I'm beyond excited! We've both been chatting over IM at work and looking at all the different things we could do.

I had a minor heart attack last Friday. I went to a movie with aforementioned coworker after work. Before the movie started I got a text message from my roommate telling me that I got an envelope from Sarah Lawrence....a small envelope. So i'm totally bummed and thinking that i didn't get in. I didn't really see much of the movie (it's okay, i had seen it before and it was a the dollar) because i was constantly thinking about the ominous letter at home. After the movie, i'm driving home and I call my sister and i'm freaking out over the phone to her. What if i don't get in? What am i going to do with my life?? Doesn't anybody want me?!?!?!?! You get the picture. I get home and after starting at the small, business sized envelope and taking several deep breaths, I open the letter with trembling hands. Take another deep breath as I unfold it. I try to skim it without actually reading it, ready to cry or jump with excitement as called for. Imagine my astonishment when I finally read the whole to realize that it is neither a rejection or an acceptance. It's just telling me that my application isn't complete because one of my letters of recommendation hasn't arrived yet. what?! I have a near heart attack/panic attack for that?! The letter of recommendation is now on it's way to New York. But dude...seriously. I may not be able to open the envelope when the real thing comes.

For all the nay-sayers

A couple of weeks ago, at the behest of my father, I spoke with a family friend that has quite a bit of experience in higher education. After speaking with him I was very deflated and confused and questioning all my plans and interests. And then, I didn't get into U of Cincinnati. I wasn't crushed but I was upset. I doubted my plans even more. Was what our family friend told me true? I wondered if that was partly due to my research interest - the lives of Mormon women and how they fit/do they fit into the context of the feminist tradition. I've talked with many people about this, Mormons and non-Mormons alike, and most people (well, women actually) find it an interesting topic. In one conversation, a friend said the biggest hurdle between traditional (i would say stereotypical) feminism and LDS women is the simple fact that in the LDS culture and religion the idea of a patriarchal social and religious hierarchy wasn't a bad thing. And to a certain extent that's true. I think the LDS version of patriarchy is different, at least as I understand it, from what main stream society and feminism understands. It's such an interesting idea. Can a woman be a part of a patriarchal system....not only be a part of but support and sustain the patriarchal hierarchy and still be a feminist? I think so but I know many people, on both sides of the issue, don't agree.

Anyway, that's just a huge tangent...let's just get back to my main point. So I was doubting and second guessing myself and wondering, what in the world am I going to do??? Then out of the blue - validation. I was looking up some information on the Sarah Lawrence website for my application and I was looking over the list of past MA Theses topics and what do you think is on the top of the list for the graduating class of 2008? By a Ms. Caroline Bitter Evolution into Self: A Mormon Woman's Struggle to Reconcile Radical Feminism and Religion. Um...hello? I know many people, and I hate to say it - men, don't understand why I'm interested in this. My father once asked me if I actually thought people would be interested in this topic - if I could find a program that could and would support it. This just proves to me that I can do this! I'm not strange and weird and the only one that has gone through this. Reading that was like a gift. It told me not to get swayed but the many different opinions that are being pushed on me. I need to stand firm. This is something that I have been thinking about for three years. Three years! I can and will do this.

watch....now I won't get into Sarah Lawrence....knock on wood!

All Sorts of tid-bits

You know all those blogs out there with the really cute backgrounds and the music player and all the bells and whistles? Well, my blog isn't like that. I'm sort of suffering from blog envy. I don't know how many times I have tried to change the template with something that I've found on a blogger website but I always get an error message. So I'm stuck with the templates provided by our dear friends at Blogger. I guess it's not too bad, although, I'm not crazy about the dark dots, so I may be forced to change it, yet again.

I didn't get in to University of Cincinnati. The application deadline was 1/15 and I got an email (yes, they reject you via email these days) this morning at approximately 7:30 telling me that, although they enjoyed reading my application, they did not want me to be a part of their 2009/2010 program. I thought I had a fairly competitive application...go figure. I did email them back asking if they could give me more details about why I wasn't accepted. Was that inappropriate? I guess it doesn't really matter if it was or not, I didn't get in and I really want to know why they didn't accept my application. Was it really that, as qualified as I am, there were even more people that were more qualified than me? Or is it my entire application and research interests don't belong in the Academic Field of Women's Studies? I'm upset but more just anxious. What if I don't get into Sarah Lawrence? What am I going to then? So all morning I've been frantically trying to come up with Plan B and Plan C and possibly even Plan D. So if anyone has suggestions...I'm all ears!

In other news, Lisa turned 23 last week. I had a party for her. Lots of people said they were coming but the night of, only four people showed up. It was irritating. If you can't come then say no, but if you say you're going to come, then you should come! or if something comes up, let us know. But despite the lack of attendance, we had a good time. Those that came were fun and entertaining. Anyone that knows Lisa well, knows she has a love for all things fast and on wheels - mainly cars and motorcycles. So I did a race themed party. The decorations were fun, if somewhat childish. All in all, we had a good time. (Pictures below)

Last night I went to see "Taken" with a group of friends. It's about an ex-CIA operative (Liam Neeson) whose daughter gets taken while she's in Paris by Algerian sex slave traders. So off he goes to Paris to get her back. It was so good! You see Liam Neeson in a whole new light. There was lots of fighting and chase scenes but it wasn't excessive. It's about what you would expect in a Bourne movie. Liam Neeson, who I've always loved, kicked some serious butt. My friend said he was like an over the hill Jason Bourne. So worth sitting on the third row for.

Birthday Pics:

The Race Car photo cutout- everyone had their picture taken

We are sistah's from different mistah's - don't ask.

Heidi and the Birthday girl

Dreams

My sister posted about dream interpretation. She also posted a link to a dream website. So I had a dream last night and I don't remember anything except there was a frog in it. The frog was in one of those big tin coffee cans and then it jumped out of the can and around the room. So I went to the dream website and this is what it says about frogs:

To see a frog in your dream, represents a potential to change (applying to grad school??) or something unexpected. The frog may be a prince in disguise and thus, signify transformation. Alternatively, the frog symbolizes uncleanness (my room looks like my closet exploded and my car hasn't been washed all winter), fertility, or rebirth. To see frogs leaping in your dream, indicates your lack of commitment. You have a tendency to jump from one thing to another (How many times did I change plans this year? MBA, Law, now grad school). Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal (applying to grad school).

Weird no?

I will not freak out, I will not freak out

I've spent most of my day reading my old college papers. Most of them are on floppy discs, old school, I know. So I had to start up my old laptop with the floppy drive and then save them to a USB. I even have a few things from high school. Why am I reading my old papers you ask? Well, I'm trying to figure out which one I'm going to include in my graduate school applications. Very exciting, I know.

I am trying very very hard not to get overly frustrated and upset over this whole process. I feel completely and totally lost here. I have spent a good portion of the day Google-ing "Women's History Graduate Programs" and "Graduate Programs - Women's History" and "Womens' Studies Graduate Programs"....you get the idea. I've only found two really good options. Sarah Lawrence College and University of Cincinnati. When I was looking for undergraduate schools I applied to 8 or 9 different schools but back then I had a professional college counselor that started working with us during our junior year of high school. It's a little different when you're trying to figure this all out on your own. I'm taking the GRE next Saturday. I'm not terribly worried about it. My verbal score is really the only thing that needs to be really strong and that shouldn't really be a problem. But I need to find 3 people to write recommendations for me, preferably someone that is familiar with my work as a student. I haven't been a student for almost 3 years! I have to write a personal statement in addition to an autobiography and request official transcripts from Scripps.

I'm trying really hard not to freak out. Thursday night I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about all of this so, I got up and started my "autobiography"...at approximately 2 in the morning.

I think part of my anxiety is knowing that I cannot stay where I am for another year. I just can't do it. The very thought of it makes me want to scream, cry and punch something all at once. I love a lot of things about my life right now but I absolutely cannot stand my current job. There are good days and I enjoy the people I work with but the work itself is not interesting to me anymore. And I know that I can always look for a new job, I've done that...several times. I just haven't found anything that appeals to me or that I wouldn't have to take a significant pay cut.

It's hard doing this all on my own, without any direction from anyone. No wonder it's taken me this long to get going. It's a good thing I had a college counselor in high school, who knows if I would have ever gone to college!

Cali-four-nigh-A

Rebecca and I bought our plane tickets to California yesterday. YAY! I'm so excited. And we're going to see Wicked at the Pantages Theater with most of the original Broadway cast. It's going to be a fun trip. I'm excited to see all my Scrippsie friends. I can't believe we've been gone for a year! I haven't seen Katy in almost two years! Back to Palm Trees, Orange Trees, gardens, fountains, koi ponds. Lots of grass and sunshine. I'm going to laugh if it's horrible weather. That always seems to happen.

I'm excited to go see all my friends but i'm also just excited to go somewhere! I need a break. I'm so burned out right now, it's sad. A little fun in the sun is exactly what the doctor ordered!