What can I do...?

As a teacher, I love my content, and that is most likely true for most teachers. I am an English nerd. I love a good story, a well written sentence, a gorgeously chosen word. I think it is important for my students to have an understanding of how to communicate effectively both through speaking and writing. I hope to help my students learn to, if not love, at the very least enjoy reading. But more than any of that, I hope to help my students build character and broaden their view of society and the world.

We're starting The Crucible this week. For the past month or so I've been mulling over how I want to approach this play and make it interesting and relevant for my students. I decided that I would approach it as a mirror for high school, social groups, reputations, bullying etc. To start us off, today I had my students write a journal response about reputations and then we had a class discussion.

From the get-go, my students surprised me with their thoughts about reputations and social groups. I had predicted that students would care a lot about what their peers thought of them and about their reputations at school. To my surprise, almost everyone said they worried more about what their teachers thought of them than how their peers viewed them. It was a reminder to me that even the most stubborn and difficult of students still wants their teacher to think well of them. Now, of course, this will not apply to every single teenager that crosses my path, but it was a good reminder to me the majority want to do well.

My 4th period blew me away. In the course of our discussion on reputations, a student made the observation that there is a double standard when it comes to girls and boys. Up until this point I'd been mostly moderating the discussion, but letting the students take it where they wanted. As the class continued to talk about reputations and gender, I noticed it was, with one exception, the boys talking about the girls' collective experience. I found it interesting that the female students in my class had, in essence, surrendered their voice. They were allowing their male peers to describe their female experience. I let it continue for a few moments before I stopped the conversation and asked them two questions.

• Who was doing all the talking? (the boys)
• What/who were they talking about? (the girls' experience)

The class was silent for a few moments before the boys started chiming in and explaining why girls don't speak up. The most vocal of my female students continued to attempt to share her thoughts, but her voice was drowned out by her male peers.

Again, I stopped the class. I told the boys that for the next five minutes they weren't allowed to talk. I wanted to hear from the ladies in the class. Even at that point only two-three girls spoke up out of 10. One girl said she doesn't speak up because people don't take her seriously. She said a guy can make the same comment that was dismissed when she makes it, but is praised or considered when a boy makes it She continued to say that boys often don't let girls finish their thought or will shut them down right away. 

Up until this point, my male students were seriously struggling to not speak. They were raising their hands and I had to remind them multiple times that it wasn't their turn to talk. One student stood and faced the wall to prevent himself from talking. When my female student made the comment about getting shut down, a male student couldn't contain himself anymore and interjected "We do not!" quite vehemently. While that got a few chuckles from the class, I was so impressed by my students' willingness to discuss these issues AND to honestly consider their complicity in the accepted sexism of our culture. I think some of my male students were truly disturbed and they wanted to know how to fix it How can they change it? That lead to an interesting (student-led) discussion on privilege. 

Sometimes the weight of the responsibility I have to these young men and women presses down on me. At the end of class one student, a young man, looked at me and asked (expecting an answer), "What can I do?" 

I'm not sure what I told him is the right answer. I mean, what is the fix to the gendered bias and sexism of our culture? I told him to be aware of privilege in all its forms and to stop and think about those who are silent. Why are they silent? Can you encourage them to to speak? I told all of them - male and female - don't let people take away your voice. Don't let anyone take away your truth.

And lest anyone think that we didn't talk about the content, I was able to  nicely tie the entire conversation back to The Crucible. We talked briefly about the Madonna/whore dichotomy and they got a crash course in feminist literary theory. We didn't talk about the historical and contemporary context of the play - but I think it was an hour well spent. 

Let freedom ring!

In honor of the 4th of July I want to celebrate my freedom. I am truly grateful to live in a land where I can live and worship as I see fit, I do, but that is not the freedom I want to celebrate. We live in a society and culture that places importance on physical beauty. Emaciated models are held up as the ideal of beauty. Did you read about this? Granted, this is an extreme case but no one can argue that the fashion industry perpetuates the fallacy that only tall, willowy, skinny women with long legs are beautiful. There is a multi-billion dollar industry devoted to helping people achieve their "best" self. But what is our "best" self? It's true, the rising numbers of obesity - particularly child obesity - should give us pause and encourage us to be a more healthy nation. I support that one hundred percent. However, I'm tired of trying to fit some prescribed notion of beauty.

After just over 27 years of life, I am proclaiming my freedom from the weight loss game. It is such a liberating feeling to really not care about loosing weight. I can eat without the guilt. I can buy clothes without feeling bad that I'm not buying a single digit size. I have the hips my momma gave me and honestly, I like them. I like that I'm curvy and not stick thin. For the first time in my life, after a lifetime of self hate and insecurity, I love the way I look (in a truly non-narcissistic way, of course). I'm confidant in who I am. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a double chin with a muffin top with bad skin. I am a daughter of God. I am me and I am beautiful.

*Photos by LemonDrop Creative.

For all the nay-sayers

A couple of weeks ago, at the behest of my father, I spoke with a family friend that has quite a bit of experience in higher education. After speaking with him I was very deflated and confused and questioning all my plans and interests. And then, I didn't get into U of Cincinnati. I wasn't crushed but I was upset. I doubted my plans even more. Was what our family friend told me true? I wondered if that was partly due to my research interest - the lives of Mormon women and how they fit/do they fit into the context of the feminist tradition. I've talked with many people about this, Mormons and non-Mormons alike, and most people (well, women actually) find it an interesting topic. In one conversation, a friend said the biggest hurdle between traditional (i would say stereotypical) feminism and LDS women is the simple fact that in the LDS culture and religion the idea of a patriarchal social and religious hierarchy wasn't a bad thing. And to a certain extent that's true. I think the LDS version of patriarchy is different, at least as I understand it, from what main stream society and feminism understands. It's such an interesting idea. Can a woman be a part of a patriarchal system....not only be a part of but support and sustain the patriarchal hierarchy and still be a feminist? I think so but I know many people, on both sides of the issue, don't agree.

Anyway, that's just a huge tangent...let's just get back to my main point. So I was doubting and second guessing myself and wondering, what in the world am I going to do??? Then out of the blue - validation. I was looking up some information on the Sarah Lawrence website for my application and I was looking over the list of past MA Theses topics and what do you think is on the top of the list for the graduating class of 2008? By a Ms. Caroline Bitter Evolution into Self: A Mormon Woman's Struggle to Reconcile Radical Feminism and Religion. Um...hello? I know many people, and I hate to say it - men, don't understand why I'm interested in this. My father once asked me if I actually thought people would be interested in this topic - if I could find a program that could and would support it. This just proves to me that I can do this! I'm not strange and weird and the only one that has gone through this. Reading that was like a gift. It told me not to get swayed but the many different opinions that are being pushed on me. I need to stand firm. This is something that I have been thinking about for three years. Three years! I can and will do this.

watch....now I won't get into Sarah Lawrence....knock on wood!

Mormon Feminism

I think my best time for pondering and contemplating and thinking is while i'm in the shower in the morning. I sit there washing my hair, shaving my legs and i think. Today my thought process went something like this...

....oh man i'm tired. i want to go back to bed.
......should I take the time to shave my legs...naaah.
....I need to get back into school but i really don't want to take the GRE right now.
...what about this book idea? What am I waiting for? someone to tell me, that ain't gonna happen!
...ouch! soap in my eye!

And from there i got annoyed with myself. Why have I allowed myself to stagnate? What am I waiting for...a huge neon sign on the horizon telling me to get of my butt? For a while I thought that this idea would pass and that i would loose interest in it as i often do but it's stuck around and i keep thinking about it. I really think I need to do this.

"this" what is "this" you ask? what is this book, i speak of? I'm going to write a book about Mormon Feminism....somewhat predictable for those of you who really know me but i don't care. I feel like I need to write about my experience and the experiences of as many woman and girls that I can talk to. Feminism has such a negative connotation and it really shouldn't. I'm a feminist and I'm proud of it. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that but there is it. I'm a feminist, I'm also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I'm proud of that too. It is possible to be a strong, independent, intellegent, working woman (married or single) and still be a good Latter-day Saint. It is also possible to be a strong, independent, intellegent, stay at home mother and a good Latter-day Saint. These titles are not mutually exclusive and it's time that people realize that.

I would love to get your thoughts on this subject...whether or not you agree with me...male or female. If you don't want to post it as a comment, email me kellbll7@gmail.com (those are L's and not 1's). Tell your friends, sister's, mother's brothers, fathers, cousins - I want to hear what you have to say.

Works every time...

I was supposed to move out this weekend but for various reasons I am no longer moving in with the intended roommate and I am still occupying my parent's basement. Needless to say, I am less than thrilled with this situation. We had the whole family up tonight for a family dinner and we were sitting around after and some people had left and I guess my mom was still cleaning up the dinning room - I thought it was clean. My dad comes in and says, 'girls - your mom is still working'. Not kids or boys, or guys or any other combination of neutral pronouns/name(s). Annie and I both look at each other, roll our eyes and I say, 'why not- kids, your mom is still working'. We both get up and start to help and he says it again - 'girls help your mom'. So i repeat, 'kids - help your mom'. He comes into the dining room and says, 'no- i think the girls should do it'. I stopped what i was doing, turned around and went downstairs to my room. It was either that or get into an argument. There was a time where I would have stayed and fought it out with him. He knows how to push my buttons and he does it all the time. I think sometimes he does it on purpose. And if he knows it bothers me when he says things like that, you would think he would stop doing it, but no. It's always "funny" because he gets a reaction out of me so he keeps doing it. I try not to react and that's why I went downstairs tonight but it just makes my blood boil when he talks like that. He does it because he gets a reaction out of me but he also does it because he actually believes it. He'll say something and sees it gets a reaction so he keeps pushing it.

I am done. I am so done with all of this.