Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Breakin' the law, breakin' the law....

So I'm kind of breaking my quasi no late night blogging rule BUT it's only 10:15 and I'm not in my pj's yet. Plus, I've been thinking about this a lot lately and this is honestly the first opportunity I have had to blog.

I've been thinking about guilt a lot lately. Random, I know. But I am nothing, if not random. It's part of my charm. So guilt. It's kind of an ugly word and emotion. I have been feeling intensely guilty lately. Rationally I know it's completely irrational and that it's ridiculous to feel this way. Because I'm the word nerd that I am, I looked it up on dictionary.com. This is what it says:

    1. The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame.
    2. Law The fact of having been found to have violated a criminal law; legal culpability.
    3. Responsibility for a mistake or error.
    4. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
    5. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
    1. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
    2. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing
Hm....self reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing...

Life has been pretty busy lately. I'm working full time, going to school full time, I'm on the very active activities committee at church, I'm supposedly helping plan AFSP's annual 5K in Salt Lake this fall, I'm a friend, sister, daughter and roommate, I should be working out on a more regular basis, I'm getting my endowments and should be studying and preparing for that and then add in the mix just the normal social realities of a single 20 something woman. There simply are not enough hours in the day. Work has been particularly busy lately and I don't usually get home until 6:00 if I'm lucky. Today I didn't leave the office until 6:45 and didn't get home until 7:30. I have all of this going on and I feel incredibly guilty because I cannot do any of it to the full extent of my potential.

If I go out with friends I feel guilty for not studying. If I stay in and study I feel guilty because I didn't go out with friends. Our ward campout is this weekend and I'm going up for the evening on Friday but because I'm going to the temple I'm not staying overnight and I feel guilty for not being more social and helping the rest of the activities committee. It is completely irrational and stupid but I that's just how I feel lately. If I don't go to every single ward activity, fireside, mingle and dinner I feel as if I am somehow not fulfilling my potential and I'm never going to find a spouse! It's as if I can see myself from the outside looking in and it's ridiculous but it can't be stopped.

Those closest to me know that I need my "me" time. I need time to just regroup and get away from life and just hang out...read a good book...watch a movie...take a nap. I need that time. It's crucial that I get this time but lately I feel guilty for needing that and taking that time. I'm being pulled in a million different directions and as a result I'm not doing anything to the best of my ability. I'm not being the friend that I want to be. I'm not being the best roommate I can be. I'm not doing all I can to work on my relationship with the Lord.

What about you guys? Do you have fits of inexplicable guilt or are you like my roommie and don't feel irrational guilt?

5 comments:

Liser said...

Just so you know, I didn't say I don't feel irrational guilt. I just don't feel it in your particular situation.

Annie Get Your Camera said...

I'm a mother. Irrational guilt comes with the territory.

As for you, I think you need to let it go as much as you can. You can't be everything to everybody AND as, I've discovered as a mother, having YOU time is absolutely critical to survival. Just be proud that you're doing the things that you can and don't start the irrational guilt process until you have a bunch of little souls depending upon you for a decent upbringing. Then you can feel guilty about whatever it is you please, say, feeling guilty because it's four o'clock and the kids are still in PJs and all you've really done is let them watch PBS Kids all day while you check Facebook nine hundred times.

mom2nine said...

Kelly, a righteous life always means choosing between good and good and well as good and bad. Life in the gospel is like a giant buffet of wonderful options. No one is expected to fill their plate with everything offered, all at once, swallow it all, and remain healthy. We just choose what is right for ourselves for our time and situation. No need to feel guilty for leaving some options for another day; and no one is required to have their plate look just like everyone else's. Little desserts here and there are not selfish...they're just a luscious part of the meal.

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