Thursday, August 16, 2007

Random Rant

I need to do a little venting. I'm not obsessing over this but i just need to say it and get it out there.

Okay, so as you all know, lately I've been put through the ringer. When it all comes down to it, it really isn't that big of a deal. yeah, it sucked and it hurt and i'm frustrated with it but i'm healthy (relatively) and feeling much better. I survived so when I say what i'm going to say it's not in a "oh woe is me! my life is so horrible" kind of way. It's in a, i'm sort of irritated and upset, sort of way. Before any of the procedures or hospital stays happened I had dinner with a "good' friend. (I say "good" because it seems like we're good friends but when you really examine the relationship it's more of a one way street) The entire evening, from the moment he picked me up until he dropped me off was spent talking about him and his life. We didn't even talk about general, generic topics. It was all about him. There was a slight lull in the conversation so I took the opportunity to tell him what was going on and what the future had in store for me. It took about 2 minutes and then there was a slight pause, silence and it was back to him.

I haven't heard from him since. I got one text message asking how my interview at Google went but nothing else. So here's the real rub...it's not that he hasn't called to see how i'm doing or emailed or asked one of our mutual friends. That's to be expected. I'm used to him acting that way. As sad and as wrong as that is...i'm used to it. I honestly didn't expect a whole lot more from him. What really irritates me and upsets me is the fact that i still care that he hasn't called or texted or emailed. It still hurts that he doesn't seem to care or can't show any interest in anything besides himself and his life. I'm not mad at him...not really. I'm mad at myself for letting him get to me. Why do i let him get to me? I don't need him. And I really don't want to want him but i can't stop myself from hoping that he'll show me that he cares about what happens to me, in whatever small way that is. But the fact of the matter is I do. I do care and that's what angers me.

3 comments:

The Nurse said...

*sigh stupid boys. there was this boy that i was so in love with... and your story sounds so similar... it was so a one way street. and it was a painful friendship for me. i'm sorry you are going through a similar thing.

Motorcycle Grandma said...

You seem to have a pretty clear picture about what this particular "friend" is all about. Try to move on.

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