Take two...

So, I got home from work this afternoon and started to pen a rather heated, albeit totally warranted, rant. I still think it has merit and I may finish and post it at a later date, but after spending my evening at a church activity and then with Scott, I think there is something much more important I need to share...

Note...you are under no obligation to continue as what follows could be deemed, by a select few, to be smarmy, cheesy or overly Hallmarky (yes, I made it an adjective, deal with it).

I feel so incredibly fortunate and blessed to be loved by Scott. We both have our quirks and scars, but I don't think I could ever find a man that is so naturally giving and loving. His first inclination is to love and support. He's intelligent, funny, and handsome to boot! He's not perfect and I'm most definitely not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

Turns out that I have a tendency to get caught up in my job (wonder of wonders, right?) and I need to do better and prioritize my life. I also have a tendency to pull back when I come up against difficult situations. It's almost like emotional triaging. All the extra "stuff" gets shut down and I detach. I'm starting to realize that I can actually lean into him. It's sort of strange for me to have someone that will always put me first and I, in turn, will always put him first. It's taking some getting used to, but I thank the good Lord for bringing this man into my life, and giving me the good sense to grab onto him when I had the chance!

Exhale...

It's finally happened...Scott is here! He's here...just a few blocks away at this exact moment in time. I'm going to spend the day with him tomorrow and then the day after that too! And when I come home from work on Monday, I'll get to see him again! After over two months apart, it's something out of a dream to have him here. Now it's time to get down to business with all this wedding nonsense. Let's get it done!!

Round 1

Today I signed the lease for my new place in O-town. When I started teaching in O-town I did not anticipate moving there. In fact, I said I didn't want to. Yet, here I am. It's not even two years later and I'm really excited about this move. I've moved quite a bit in the past decade - some moves were better than others. But this is the first move that I have been excited about since moving in with Lisa. My new place is itty-bitty tiny (500 ft) but it has a great view of the mountains and is in a safe neighborhood.

However, this move has had it's own set of challenges (don't all my moves?). Since I have lived with Lisa for so long and she had all the apartment "stuff"...I've had to beg, borrow and steal to get what I need. Well, that isn't totally true. Shannon has been so sweet and generous. She came home from Shopko the other day with a set of pots & pans and a toaster for me. She's also helping me out with a few other things...all without me asking. She's been incredibly generous and kind. I've had all kinds of lists running through my brain. I think I have everything I need to function in the kitchen. It's nothing fancy, but it'll do.

The living room is a whole other issue. I have four medium sized bookshelves, an old TV and TV stand given to me by Shannon, a smallish decorative office chair and a small side table. I have no real seating and I know four bookshelves sounds like more than enough. And for many people, that would be more than enough. However, I have a lot of books...a lot. I may need to get another bookshelf. I don't have a couch, coffee table or DVD player. None are terribly critical, but can be pricey. Because the place is on the small side, it's going to take some organizational help. Luckily, I have a mom that is a pro at this stuff!

All in all, I am very excited about this move. It will relieve a lot of stress and I'm looking forward to living alone. I have loved my roommates, but it'll be good to have my own space and my own home.

Superwoman I am not

If asked, I would generally say I'm a fairly tough individual. I can do difficult things. In fact, I rarely do things the easy way. My job requires that I be a firm disciplinarian while also infusing a certain about of heart and nurturing into my daily interactions. The phrase "cruel to be kind" comes to mind, yet it's not cruelty (although many of my students would argue that it is), but rather discipline and structure. 

This year has had a lot of changes for me. I was made department chair, asked to be on the School Leadership Team, teaching productivity (that means the district bought out one of my prep periods so I teach an extra class), doubled my commute, started my ESL endorsement and continue to struggle with, occasional debilitating back pain. I don't feel tough right now. I feel run down, exhausted and a little depressed. I am so tired and swamped with school related responsibilities that when I get home, the last thing I want to do is go out and be social. But I have to and because I'm not I worry about all the other emotional and social aspects of being a single-almost-30 LDS woman. 

Somethings got to give. I can't really give up my job responsibilities so, that means I'm looking at moving...again. I know my mom is reading this and is probably shaking her head or wanting to shake me. I thought I could handle the commute and I probably could if I didn't have so many other after school commitments. But that is the reality. I don't know exactly where or when but it seems like the right option at this point. There is a certain amount of appeal to moving somewhere new and starting completely over. It's a fresh start with no preconceived notions of who I am. But I do know one thing, I won't be able to sustain this current schedule for much longer...

Though she be but little, she is fierce

This quote has been running through my mind quite a bit the last month or so. At first it was because I felt fierce. I felt like I had everything under control and I could do anything. Now, it's because I feel very little but not quite so fierce. In the past several weeks, there have been some changes in my school district and my school that just seem to have knocked the wind from my sails. My support group is breaking up and moving on to other things. The overall feeling and morale at school is anger, desperation and fear. No one feels safe. We're all worried that one wrong step we'll be next on the chopping block. How can we do our jobs when we're all afraid to be bold?

On top of all of that, my best friend and sister is moving to Idaho. I knew this was coming and I know it's for the best, but that doesn't make the impending separation any easier. I'm moving in with an old roommate, but I'm not sure how long I'll be there. I'm not sure where I'll end up next year and that makes me anxious. There are some promising opportunities on the horizon, but they'll be big changes.

In the coming weeks I need to pack an apartment, complete my EYE (Early Year Educator) portfolio, search for a new job, manage/supervise rehearsals for "Rapunzel", open/close "Rapunzel", manage/entertain squirrelly teenagers...

It doesn't help that my back is reacting negatively to all this added stress. I'm on muscle relaxers, which I can't take during the day because they knock me out. I also have to get 60 minute deep tissue massages every other week for the next two months. Sounds like fun, right? It's more than an hour of someone digging into your muscles with their fist or elbow, trying to work out all the knots and kinks.

There's a lot to deal with in a short amount of time.

Auto-pilot

I was walking into the store today. Outside there were two middle-aged men doing the "bring it on" dance. My first instinct was to break it up. Fortunately, I was far enough away to realize that I wasn't at school and those were grown men...not junior high students.

Teacher instinct fail.

Week one of the rest of my life...

Last week was the first full week of the new year. It's been so great to start from the beginning and set up my expectations from the get-go. I also have had time to set up my classroom, physically, the way I want it. I have no illusions that this upcoming year isn't going to be difficult, however, I am really going to enjoy it.

I've spent the week getting to know my students and we started our first unit by the end of the week. I'm teaching 8th and 9th grade this year. It's been a challenge to plan two different curriculums (what's the plural of curriculum? Curriculi? Curriculea??) and transition between 8th and 9th grade students. I have found that I can't be quite as laid back with my 8th graders. They need a bit more structure than I need with my 9th graders.

I'm tough and I expect a lot from all my students. At first, I'm not sure they knew what to do with me, but I'm pretty certain that by the end of the week, they realized that we'd all help each other and they'd be fine.

By the end of the week I was absolutely exhausted and was ready to sleep the weekend away. But, I did come away from it so excited and thrilled that I have a job that I love!

My classroom!

I love google...it's both a verb and a noun!

It is 3:30 am and I am still up. Why you ask...I have absolutely no idea. I just am. This leads to much inter-webbing. I've had several conversations lately regarding what kind of personality I have. People have mentioned the color personalities like I should know what color I am. So, I googled "color personality tests" there were quite a few interesting choices. Now, I don't know if this one is the most reliable but it was free. According to this test, I'm a Blue Personality.

BLUES tend to be overly guilt-prone
You like stability and security in your relationships and in life in general. 
It almost seems paradoxical, because while you do seek meaningful relationships in your life, and enjoy the company of others, you also enjoy your independence to do what you like to do.
BLUES need connection – the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact.


Sounds fairly accurate, don't you think?

Holy Hannah!

I've been on the two year plan for my graduate program. I have been working on a dual masters in Secondary Education (Master of Arts in Teaching - MAT) and Special Education (Master of Education - M.Ed.). I started this all last summer (2010) and I planned to student teach and graduate fall 2012 with both degrees. I met with my advisor this morning on something completely unrelated to graduation. The result of that meeting was me turning in my application for graduation in MAT for this upcoming spring (2012)!

Apparently the Utah Department of Ed changed some regulations and it is more beneficial for me, long term, if I don't do concurrent licensing in both Secondary and Special Ed. I finish up my methods placement this semester (Cypress High in Magna...quite the commute, I know) and I'll do my student teaching in the spring. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I'll graduate in the spring. It's crazy!

I'm still going to finish up the special education requirements but will be able to do that while I teach. It will take me a little longer but I'll be teaching! In my own classroom! At a real school! I will have an actual profession!

I'm just a little excited, if you didn't notice...

Civic Duty

A couple of weeks ago I got a jury summons. I dutifully completed the questionnaire and waited for my notice to appear or whatever it's called. It came last weekend and I was told to come to the Matheson Courthouse for jury selection on Tuesday morning. I had no idea if I would be chosen and I wasn't sure if I cared one way or the other. Some are really excited to be called in for jury duty and others absolutely dread it. I thought it could be interesting to see the justice system at work and to participate in a very real way but if I wasn't chosen...no biggie.

Once called to participate in a specific jury selection you are ushered into a courtroom with the prosecution, defense and the judge. We were told it was a criminal case...the butterflies started going in my stomach. The judge read the laws that the defendant had allegedly broken. My heart sank. Sexual battery and sexual assault of a child. The questions they asked after that narrowed the jury pool down further. With each question the feeling of dread became like a brick in my stomach. My heart dropped into my stomach when they read my name for the final jury.

Numerous people over the past several days have told me how jealous they are that I had been selected. People thought it would "cool" and "fun" and "entertaining". It was undoubtedly interesting to see the justice system at work and to see the process from beginning to end. I am grateful for our system of government.

Yet, I wish with all my heart that I had never had to go. I wish with all my heart that such circumstances never came to be. I sat and listened to two days of child testimonies. I listened to two young teenage girls with autism describe the abuse. I saw a man break down into tears as the jury instructions were read and he realized just what could possibly happen to him.

The verdict was guilty. I am very glad that a threat has been taken off the streets and more children will not be in danger. However, that is not a decision to be taken lightly. It was a huge responsibility. Today I irrevocably changed a man's life. The responsibility of that will never truly leave me. I believe we made the right choice and I don't regret it. I only wish it had never been necessary.

Some of my fellow jurors were almost flippant about the verdict and the accused. The children did not have the best home life and comments were made about people like "them" and "us". Maybe it was a way of dealing with the horror of the situation...a way of separating themselves from the tragedy.

I didn't expect I would react this way. I didn't think I would be so affected. I went to my parents and cried to my dad. It still upsets me to think about it. To know that there is such evil in the world. To know there is such danger and uncertainty in the world. It breaks my heart.

I am grateful we have the opportunity to be tried by a jury of our peers, I truly am. I wish with all my heart and soul that it was never necessary. What I participated in these past several days was nothing short of tragic.

To blog or not to blog...

...that is the question. I've had some pretty great things happen in the past month or so. I've debated blogging about it but I'm just not sure I want to send it out into the interwebs just yet.

I will say this, my new ward is pretty fun. I've met some really fun and exciting new people and made some great friends. I've been to Bear Lake, attending movies in the park, had BBQs and pool dates with the girls.

As far as what else is going on...I guess time will tell if I share it with you all. But I do want to just say - I am happy. I am far happier than I have been in a very long time.

The Adjustment Bureau

No...not the movie, although that is a very good flick. I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it already.

I am simply learning to adjust my expectations. It's not easy and I have to remind myself daily, if not hourly, but I'm trying.

Let freedom ring!

In honor of the 4th of July I want to celebrate my freedom. I am truly grateful to live in a land where I can live and worship as I see fit, I do, but that is not the freedom I want to celebrate. We live in a society and culture that places importance on physical beauty. Emaciated models are held up as the ideal of beauty. Did you read about this? Granted, this is an extreme case but no one can argue that the fashion industry perpetuates the fallacy that only tall, willowy, skinny women with long legs are beautiful. There is a multi-billion dollar industry devoted to helping people achieve their "best" self. But what is our "best" self? It's true, the rising numbers of obesity - particularly child obesity - should give us pause and encourage us to be a more healthy nation. I support that one hundred percent. However, I'm tired of trying to fit some prescribed notion of beauty.

After just over 27 years of life, I am proclaiming my freedom from the weight loss game. It is such a liberating feeling to really not care about loosing weight. I can eat without the guilt. I can buy clothes without feeling bad that I'm not buying a single digit size. I have the hips my momma gave me and honestly, I like them. I like that I'm curvy and not stick thin. For the first time in my life, after a lifetime of self hate and insecurity, I love the way I look (in a truly non-narcissistic way, of course). I'm confidant in who I am. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a double chin with a muffin top with bad skin. I am a daughter of God. I am me and I am beautiful.

*Photos by LemonDrop Creative.

I promise...

...to get gussied up more often.

...t0 let loose and dance it out.

...t0 let go and explore.

...t0 remember to smile.

...t0 let go of first impressions.

...to not borrow tomorrows problems today.

...to not worry over what I have no control over.

...to love me - all of me.

Obligatory Bday post...

Today was my birthday. I turned the big 2-7. I've been so busy lately that occasionally I would forget that my birthday was coming up, which is pretty unusual for me. I'm usually the count down the days kind of girl. I'm not really sure why. I don't typically have big parties or get mountains of gifts. I think I just liked knowing that for one day it was okay to have the spotlight centered on you. Being four of five kids growing up, one with a birthday two days later, and very often sharing a weekend with mothers day, getting the attention didn't happen to often. And really, let's be honest...I'm a bit of an attention slut (I typed whore first but decided slut was a little less harsh. But then I typed it anyway, so I guess it's kind of a moot point). Parenthetical thought aside, birthdays were always a day for me to be the center of attention so I've always been super excited about it. I'm not really sure why but I just didn't really care this year. Whoop-di-do, I'm another year older.

This morning I woke up to a scratchy throat, an achy body, and a body spasm inducing cough. I also hosted a bridal shower for a very dear friend. It didn't really seem like my birthday and really, I would have been just as content laying in bed all day (that may or may not be the cold medicine talking right now). Yet, I have a wonderful friend and roommate that planned a "Girl's Night Out" with a small group of friends. Granted, it wasn't as high energy as it may have been if not for me staring off into space on occasion, but it was a fun evening. All in all, it was a pretty decent birthday. All the important people remembered and I guess that's better than a huge party or the mountain of gifts.

Now I'm going to go cough up my other lung...happy birthday indeed.

Things I currently love...

1. Yogurt covered Raisins. My sister used to eat this when we were younger and I recently picked up a bag. Oh man...so tasty. HOWEVER, I do NOT recommend the Sunkist Vanilla flavored yogurt raisins. Bleh...

2. Picking out and planting flowers with my five and three year old niece and nephew.

3. Going shopping with a wonderful, wonderful friend and finding the dress.

4. Finally losing that sense of anxiety and expectation that I have felt for the past year. I no longer feel guilty for sleeping in, reading for pleasure, watching a movie or any other non academic pursuit. Granted, it also helps that grades posted and I no longer have to think about that either.

5. An upcoming weekend full of pre-wedding goodness, graduations, family dinners, birthdays and mother's day. We like to pack it in..

6. Natural sunlight in my bedroom

7. Lots of extra space in my bedroom

8. Semi ridiculous conversations with my sister.

9. Having tough decisions taken out of my hands by circumstances

10. Words with Friends...seriously addicting.

11. This fabulous website and all the cute and fun dresses I am jonesing to purchase

12. This fun blog with lots of crafty ideas. Can't wait to do the yarn wreath! I think I'm going to do it next week when there's not quite so much going on...see #5

13. Having a school free summer, with literally no worries or school related obligations. I haven't been this relaxed in who knows how long!

14. Future swimming, zoo and other fun adventures with the sister and her little ones.

15. A girl's night out on Saturday to celebrate the big 2-7. Seriously, when did I get this old?

16. Mochi Ice Cream balls that I haven't been able to find anywhere in Utah, hence not eating them for nearly five years, and finding them at Costco last week.

17. Having a fun and zippy car to drive. I love Miss M!

18. I'm absolutely in LOVE with this etsy.com store.

19. All the blossoms on the trees and my nephew telling me it looked like popcorn.

Episode from the sitcom, Life and Times of KCB

Sister: Do you know the secret?

Me: What secret?

Sister: I don't know? What secret do you know?

Me: I don't know...what secret do you know?

Sister: Why? what secret do you know?

Home sweet home...

We've found a new apartment. Hurray! We'll be moving early April as Lisa will be in the land of the Swiss when the apartment becomes available. It's in Murray/Taylorsville area just off the freeway and 45th South. One thing I can check off my rather lengthy "to do" list.

Rock on...

Probably could have handled that better...

It was a rough week. School was difficult, work was especially workish, I couldn't stop thinking about my church obligations and it seemed like my pants actually shrunk and my hair wouldn't do anything other than lie flat and limp against my head. All I wanted to do all week was crawl into bed and watch trashy TV/movies on Netflix. So what did I do this weekend...? Exactly that. I stayed in bed literally all weekend. I came up for food occasionally but other than that I hunkered down and snuggled in deep with the blankets and my Watch Instantly Netflix streaming right to my computer. Love the digital age. I slept late, stayed up even later and basically ignored my life for two straight days. But I did, at least shower every day (I'm not a complete heathen!) That is, of course, the mature and adult approach to such burn out. I'm fairly certain I freaked my roommates out and I even went over to my parents this evening and watched...the Super Bowl! I know...kind of frightening, right?

I tend to take on more than I can reasonably handle and then I get surprised and upset when I get burned out and have to hibernate for two whole days. You would think I'd learn my lesson and not take on so much. But there's always that thought in the back of my head..."well, so and so could handle this!" or "So and so does this AND rescues puppies from the pound all while finding a cure for cancer!". I have unrealistic expectations of my own capabilities and as a result I have spent the past weekend second guessing my own potential and ability to succeed in my chosen field. Yes, So and So does rescue puppies from the pound, in addition to canning all her own fruit/veggies, cooks delicious meals from scratch, works out every day (not that she actually needs to) and is sweet and funny to boot. But that's So and So. You'd think that after falling into this trap so many times, that I'd actually learn from it. Not even two weeks ago and I was giving myself a proverbial pat on the back for doing so well and all that. It's amazing how little it takes to bring us to our knees - or in my case, queen sized pillow topped mattress with comfy flannel sheets.

I really am grateful but...

...I am more than ready to purchase a new vehicle...other than that whole pesky payment issue. Can someone please remind me why I'm not independently wealthy?

Brunhilda (Hilda for short) and I have had quite a trip together. She's got her quirks but she's kept me company on many a trip across the southern Nevada/Southern California desert. We've been to St. George and back several times. We've been up north quite a bit. Yes, the past nearly seven years have been good years for us and yet...she's loosing steam. She knows it and I know it.

• The driver side door still won't unlock from the outside...meaning, I have to unlock the passenger door, crawl in and lean across to unlock the driver side door. Get out, walk around and then open the driver side door. Doesn't seem like too big a deal...hah! Try doing it in a skirt and heels when you're parked on the street. And now the passenger door is starting to stick too.
• In other lock related issues, the trunk will only open by using the lever by the driver side door. The key no longer works on the trunk lock and I'm fairly certain it hasn't worked for years.
• The heater takes at least 15 - 20 minutes to actually warm up to do anything other than blow cold air back in your face. It takes even longer depending on how cold it is outside.
• The roof is slowly rusting, sending a nice shower of bronzey confetti as I cruise down the freeway.
• The CD player may or may not keep your CD for an indefinite period of time. Be sure you really like that CD because you may be listening to it for quite some time. OR don't put in your favorite CD because you may never get it back.
• The seat belts in both the seats up front may or may not let you use them. They decide to lock at the most inopportune moments.
• The emergency break is apparently on the fritz and wouldn't do any good.
• I was driving down the freeway tonight and I hear a slight popping noise and I notice that the hood of my car isn't latched completely. It's being held down by the secondary latch, because that's safe!
• I'm also missing a hubcap from when my dad drove her up to Idaho over the summer.

Hilda and I have had quite a journey together but really...I think I'm ready for an upgrade...unfortunately, my bank account disagrees.