I went to bed last night full of righteous indignation and determination to show him exactly what I thought of him. I had expressed my frustrations and anger and I was so firm in my resolution to change the situation. It lasted about as long as a popsicle on a hot July afternoon. I overslept this morning and my resolution not to continue my bad habbits (because they are bad habbits) dissolved like sugar in water. I couldn't stay angry and upset with him...I just couldn't do it. I wanted to, believe me I did and I do, but I can't seem to manage it. Am I really that weak?? I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it would be this hard. The anger and frustration I felt last night actually felt good. As odd as that may sound...it felt good to be mad - it felt really good. It made me want to make changes and make a "statement". What statement that would be, I haven't a clue but it meant change - standing up for myself! I'm starting to realize that it's going to be a reoccuring battle that I must fight every single day. Some days I may win, other days i'll get slaughtered.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
So we finally hired someone at work and I am so happy but at the same time my work load hasn't decreased any and I haven't been putting in fewer hours either. She started on Monday and I've been training her and it's been a bit of a process. I guess I never realized how complicated the process is. When I started there wasn't really a procedure in place and I had to use my best judgement to solve a lot of problems and issues that came up. Well, now trying to train someone on that it's hard. She wants to know exactly how I do everything and I don't really have an exactly. It just varies depending on the student situation. Somewhere along the way my "best judgement" became policy and procedure. It's a little strange actually. I almost lost my patience with her yesterday evening and I sort of snapped a little at her. I just told her to rename a file and she wasn't sure what to rename it and it really didn't matter what she renamed it and i sort of snapped at her to just do it. I immediately felt bad and was super nice to her after that but it's a lot harder to train someone than i thought it would be. Especially when there isn't really a set protocol for a lot of what I do. It's just me sort of making it up as I go along. and the process is always adapting and changing and I don't think she's quite ready for that. It's also hard to let go. Didn't think it would be but it is. I know how the process works, i know i will get it done and it will be done right...i don't actually want to do it, but it's hard to let someone else take over.
In other news...my cousin, Erika went into the hospital on Sunday night because she had pre-eclampsia. She delivered the baby early this morning. She was about 3 months early and they named her Eleanor and she is 2 lbs 5 oz. They delivered her c-section but both baby and mother are doing well. so YAY!
Monday, March 26, 2007
I have a few things that I want to say to people that for various reasons I probably never will. I guess they all boil down to selfishness. Plain and simple. If people would just stop thinking about themselves and their own interests for two seconds, so many problems would be eliminated. Open your eyes and look around you. As great as you are, you're not the best. As hard as it's been, it could have been harder. There is more to life than the limited scope you are able to comprehend. There are other people that are affected by your words and actions. People that you wouldn't even think would be affected.
Sometimes I wish I could just take people by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. Can't they see what they're doing to themselves? What they're missing out on? The hurt and pain they are causing. I'm not perfect. I'm selfish and I'm sure that I've hurt people that I had no intention or any idea of hurting. In those situations I wish someone would have said these things to me...made me realize the mistakes I was making. It would have been painful at the time, but in the long run it would have been so much better for everyone.
It's time for me to go. I need to leave, move on. I wasn't made for this place. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole...you can hit it and push it all you want but in the end it won't fit and if you manage to cram it in there, it is no longer a square peg and it isn't a round peg. It's a battered, broken remnant of what it once was and it is neither here nor there.
Friday, March 23, 2007
So I should be working seeing as how I'm going to be in meetings aaaaall day long - eh. Oh well. This is far more entertaining.
1. real name → Kelly
2. nickname--> Kell ( a select few) tinkerbell (my dad)
3. single or taken → single
4. zodiac sign → Taurus...i'm stubborn. Just ask my father.
5. male or female → female
6. elementary → Parley's Park until 2nd grade then McPolin
7. middle → TMMS (Treasure Mountain Middle School)
8. high → RHSM (Rowland Hall St. Mark's School) It's a private school in Salt Lake. Yes i went to private school.
9. eye color→ i say green with flecks of brown, others say i have blue, so i guess it depends on who you ask and if they're color blind.
10. hair color → dark blonde? sorta brown but not really.
11. long or short → longish short
15. are you a health freak--> nope
16. height → 5'4?
17. do you have a crush on someone → doesn't everyone?
18. do you like yourself → for the most part
19. piercings → 2
20. tattoos → nope
21. righty or lefty → righty
22. first surgery -Tonsels when i was about 7 or 8
23. First piercings→ ears
24. first best friend(s) → Laura Mcdonald on Michigan Avenue. She was cool.
25. first award→something for dance, i'm sure
26. first sport → dance/cheerleading
28. first vacation → probably Lake Powell or California but i'm thinkin it was Lake Powell
49. eating → a bag of Life cereal
50. drinking → water
52. i'm about to→ answer more questions
53. listening to → other people typing
55. waiting to → wake up.
57. wearing → white skirt from The Loft, jean jacket from Nordstrom and a green shirt from Down East Basics with my black flip flops.
YOUR FUTURE :
58. want kids?→ absolutely
59. want to get married? → yes
60. career? → something involving education
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? :
68. lips or eyes? → eyes all the way
69. hugs or kisses → both
70. shorter or taller → taller than me...which isn't too difficult to do.
72. romantic or spontaneous? → spontaneously romantic
73. nice stomach or nice arms? → if forced to choose, arms...although someone with a nice stomach would generally have nice arms too.
75. hook-up or relationship? → relationship
77. trouble maker or hesitant? a combination of both??
HAVE YOU EVER :
78. kissed a stranger--> no..didn't know him too well but he wasn't a stranger
79. drank bubbles → no
80. lost glasses/contacts: → my glasses but they were quickly found again
81. ran away from home → i probably thought about it when i was younger...maybe even got to the end of the block before going home and no one even knew i was gone.
82. broken any bones → nope
84. broken someone's heart → not to my knowledge
85. been arrested → nope.
86. turned someone down → yep.
87. cried when someone died → when both my grandparents died. I actually think it was harder to see my dad cry.
88. liked a friend → yes...i don't reccomend it.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. yourself→ for the most part
90. miracles→ absolutely
91. love at first sight → sort of
92. heaven → yes
93. Santa Clause → i'm not sure I ever really did
94. sex on the first date → nope
95. kissing on the first date → if it feels right, okay
96. angels → yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :
97. Is there one or more people you want to be with right now? → there's only the one
98.What's something you're tired of? → playing the game
99. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? →nope
100. Do you believe in God? → yes i do.
Monday, March 19, 2007
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (middle name and current street name)
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candybar)
3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
casey salt lake
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
7. EXOTIC DANCER NAME: (first pet name, street you grew up on)
Katy American Saddler
8. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the car your mom/dad are driving)
The Green Audie
Friday, March 16, 2007
Rebecca and I bought our plane tickets to California yesterday. YAY! I'm so excited. And we're going to see Wicked at the Pantages Theater with most of the original Broadway cast. It's going to be a fun trip. I'm excited to see all my Scrippsie friends. I can't believe we've been gone for a year! I haven't seen Katy in almost two years! Back to Palm Trees, Orange Trees, gardens, fountains, koi ponds. Lots of grass and sunshine. I'm going to laugh if it's horrible weather. That always seems to happen.
I'm excited to go see all my friends but i'm also just excited to go somewhere! I need a break. I'm so burned out right now, it's sad. A little fun in the sun is exactly what the doctor ordered!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I was re-reading my travel journal from this summer when I was in London. Oh how I miss it! It's my city. I'm going to live there. I'm going to go apply to the University of London for the fall of 2008.
My favorite building in the City...Big Ben, which is actually the name of the bell itself and not the tower.
I've never been to New York and I know it's supposed to be the city that never sleeps but London was pretty great at night too. We would leave whatever musical we had just seen around 10:30 or so and the streets were still packed...granted, I'm comparing it to Utah but it was still a ton of fun.
Monday, March 12, 2007
I've sat here for too long waiting. Waiting for what, I'm not really sure....my life to start? But then I was in the shower this morning...i'm telling you...there comes an amazing sense of clarity whenever I'm in the shower. It's like I'm washing away all the confusion and clutter in my mind as I'm washing my hair...and I realized that I can't keep waiting for my life to start. It's not going to start without me. I have to get moving. I look around at the other people my age and a lot of them are doing some pretty amazing things but they didn't just happen to them. They actually went out and made them happen.
I went to the library on Saturday and got a big ole' stack of books so I could start my research. And guess what...they haven't just been sitting on my desk, unopened. I actually started reading and taking notes. I forgot how much I love it! I forgot how excited I get when I read a passage and it resonates somewhere in my mind and my heart. I forgot how much fun I enjoy reading about different opinions and ideas and theories. I'm just excited to be back in the academic world. I really don't think that many people understand that about me. I think some people think they get it but I guess i don't really know how many people share that passion.
I remember last year when I was getting ready to graduate I was emailing back and forth with my dad about what I was going to miss and one of the things that i said i was going to miss is the intellectual stimulation and discussion. His reply to that was, "we can still talk about it at home and it's not something that you have to leave behind." Since then not much has changed...and granted, I haven't made too much of a concerted effort to have those types of discussions but honestly, i don't think it's worth it. I can't imagine talking about my book with my dad in a rational, intellectual manner. Mormon Feminism as a topic for dinner conversation...? not in our house.
But that doesn't matter. I don't care anymore...or at least I don't care at this moment, which is going to have to be good enough for now...I'm taking back my life. No more waiting for someone to give me their stamp of approval or their attention. I'm not going to wait for them to notice me. I'll make it impossible for them not to notice me just by simply living my life the way I want to.
Friday, March 9, 2007
I think my best time for pondering and contemplating and thinking is while i'm in the shower in the morning. I sit there washing my hair, shaving my legs and i think. Today my thought process went something like this...
....oh man i'm tired. i want to go back to bed.
......should I take the time to shave my legs...naaah.
....I need to get back into school but i really don't want to take the GRE right now.
...what about this book idea? What am I waiting for? someone to tell me, that ain't gonna happen!
...ouch! soap in my eye!
And from there i got annoyed with myself. Why have I allowed myself to stagnate? What am I waiting for...a huge neon sign on the horizon telling me to get of my butt? For a while I thought that this idea would pass and that i would loose interest in it as i often do but it's stuck around and i keep thinking about it. I really think I need to do this.
"this" what is "this" you ask? what is this book, i speak of? I'm going to write a book about Mormon Feminism....somewhat predictable for those of you who really know me but i don't care. I feel like I need to write about my experience and the experiences of as many woman and girls that I can talk to. Feminism has such a negative connotation and it really shouldn't. I'm a feminist and I'm proud of it. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that but there is it. I'm a feminist, I'm also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I'm proud of that too. It is possible to be a strong, independent, intellegent, working woman (married or single) and still be a good Latter-day Saint. It is also possible to be a strong, independent, intellegent, stay at home mother and a good Latter-day Saint. These titles are not mutually exclusive and it's time that people realize that.
I would love to get your thoughts on this subject...whether or not you agree with me...male or female. If you don't want to post it as a comment, email me firstname.lastname@example.org (those are L's and not 1's). Tell your friends, sister's, mother's brothers, fathers, cousins - I want to hear what you have to say.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
I got this from my cousin and my sister...i think i'm doing this right...read on..
1. I'm tired of doctors.
2. I'm tired of being tired of doctors
3. I really like goldfish crackers...the original kind in the blue bag.
4. I'm a snacker
5. My room is such a mess it's frightening. It's like my closet and my dresser exploded.
6. The physical state of my room is generally a pretty good reflection of the general state of my mind.
7. I love my books...maybe a little too much.
8. I don't get to read as often as I used to.
9. I can be fickle
10. I try to be organized but it generally fails miserably
11. People think i'm much smarter than i am...i'm just good at faking it.
12. I like to color
13. I'm a feminist
14. I'm proud that i'm a feminist
15. I like to sing
16. I like to play the piano
17. I like to dance
18. I'm not exceptionally talented at any of them
19. My younger brother is pretty cool
20. My sister can make me laugh...even when she's not really saying or doing anything funny.
21. Her little boy is pretty dang cute
22. So are my other nephews and niece.
23. I can't wait to be a mother
24. I worry sometimes that I won't be able to
25. I like to be by myself sometimes
26. I don't need a lot of friends to be happy
27. I will do anything for the people I love
28. I miss school
29. I'm afraid to go back
30. I don't like living with my parents
31. Sometimes I feel like I'm a drama queen and i hate it
32. Visiting Teaching is hard for me too but I don't necessarily hate it.
33. I want to move to California but I don't have the motivation
34. I can be pretty lazy
35. I'm pretty good at figuring people out
36. I've only been in love once
37. And he doesn't know
38. My bed makes me happy
39. I don't get to spend enough quality time with it
40. I love cheesy, horrible movies
41. I like a good scare sometimes
42. I like to flirt but sometimes i'm not sure how
43. I speak before i think
44. I think too much
45. I daydream more than I should
46. Warm socks on a cold day are great
47. It smells like spring outside
48. I still don't know what i'm going to do for the rest of my life
49. I'm excited to start researching my idea for a book
50. I'm scared to start researching my idea for a book
51. I can be pretty predictable
52. The most spontanious thing i've ever done is to go to Vegas for New Years
53. I miss London
54. I miss Paris
55. I want to live in London someday
56. I really want to go to Italy
57. I'm pretty good at procrastinating
58. It's one of my less admirable qualities
59. I like my hair-i think it's pretty
60. I'm pretty selfconscious about my thumbs...they're sort of odd shaped
61. I'm pretty insecure when it comes to relationships/friendships
62. I'm a good friend
63. I worry that my friends will get annoyed by me
64. I never tell anyone that I worry my friends will get annoyed with me
65. Growing up I wanted to be a child advocate lawyer
66. I'm a hopeless romantic - i want to be swept off my feet
67. I like interior design
68. I like country music
69. I like musicals
70. I like pretty much all music except most rap
71. The last DVD I bought was Finding Neverland
72. The last movie I watched was The Prestige
73. The last tv show I watched was Lost
74. I love pizza
75. I'm not very adventurous when it comes to food
76. I wish I was
77. I think i'll be a pretty good mother
78. I like to talk
79. I like to be silly
80. My room is distracting
81. Green is my favorite color
82. I like fresh flowers
83. When i move out, I am always going to have fresh flowers in my apartment
84. I find that I actually like to cook
85. I know how to cook very few things but i'm learning
86. I tend to mother my friends
87. I actually like my calling as a Gospel Doctrine Teacher...it scares me but I like it
88. I know that I'm not doing everything I should
89. I want to be better
90. I was dillusional in thinking that I was happy during high school...coping mechanism?
91. I want to get married....sooner rather than later
92. I have strange dreams that i don't usually remember
93. I need to join a gym
94. I like to go to museums
95. I don't go very often
96. I should be working right now
97. I own 50 DVDs
98. I haven't attempted to count how many books I have
99. I want to have the library from Beauty and the Beast in my house
100. I love chinese food.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
This is one of my favorite pictures. My sister took it of my feet (right) and my younger brother's feet (left). It's funny to think that he couldn't touch the floor and now he's taller than me! I was probably in middle school or maybe a freshman in high school. We were goofing off at the piano. To me this picture shows our friendship. We were friends when we were young and we're still friends and he will be one my closest friends my entire life. This picture tells a story. I like it.
Aren't they pretty??? Today I wore flip flops for the first time this year! YAY! It's starting to get warm again! I think we should have a party and celebrate. I don't think it will stay this warm for good but i'm happy that it's warm for today. See Utah has a rather unique weather pattern. We don't really follow "normal" seasonal patterns. We get snow in July and 50-60 degree weather in December. There really is no rhyme or reason to it all. You just roll with it.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
So dreams. Are they just flights of fancy that we get to live while asleep? Are they the deepest desires of our hearts? Is there any significance to what we dream? How we dream? When we dream? Are the dreams that we can remember in great detail more important than the ones we can only remember shadows and impressions?
And what about nightmares? what do those mean? do they mean anything? Growing up I used to have reoccurring nightmares about wolves, bears and other wild animals coming down from the mountains and attacking my family. I also had dreams about rabid dogs. And there's the infamous pink cow with purple polka-dots. I don't remember this one, but apparently it used to terrify me. I bet Freud would have a field day with that one!
I've had some pretty strange dreams lately...well strange to me anyway. They're messing with my head. Do they really mean anything or is it just my mind playing mean tricks on me?
Monday, March 5, 2007
So i think there's something seriously wrong with me. I think I have checked my email over 15 times today. I don't know why. I'm not expecting anything. I'm watching the little clock on my computer screen, counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until I can leave. I look at my inbox - 30 new emails that should be answered today...are they going to be answered today. that little voice in my head tells me no. and yes, i do have voices in my head. They say things like...go back to bed, you don't need to get up for work today. Or - sure go ahead, buy that (insert useless noun here). What difference is $10 going to make!? Or how about - go check facebook again...eventhough you know nothing has changed since you looked 20 minutes ago.
I also need to take my car in to get it checked out. It gurgles. Yes, my car gurgles. Isn't that fun. It's an old car and makes interesting noises...most of which are 'normal'. this one isn't normal and it's getting worse. So tomorrow, i get to take time off work and take it in. i just hope it doesn't cost too much to fix.
Vegas for New Years ------------------------>
Sunday, March 4, 2007
I was supposed to move out this weekend but for various reasons I am no longer moving in with the intended roommate and I am still occupying my parent's basement. Needless to say, I am less than thrilled with this situation. We had the whole family up tonight for a family dinner and we were sitting around after and some people had left and I guess my mom was still cleaning up the dinning room - I thought it was clean. My dad comes in and says, 'girls - your mom is still working'. Not kids or boys, or guys or any other combination of neutral pronouns/name(s). Annie and I both look at each other, roll our eyes and I say, 'why not- kids, your mom is still working'. We both get up and start to help and he says it again - 'girls help your mom'. So i repeat, 'kids - help your mom'. He comes into the dining room and says, 'no- i think the girls should do it'. I stopped what i was doing, turned around and went downstairs to my room. It was either that or get into an argument. There was a time where I would have stayed and fought it out with him. He knows how to push my buttons and he does it all the time. I think sometimes he does it on purpose. And if he knows it bothers me when he says things like that, you would think he would stop doing it, but no. It's always "funny" because he gets a reaction out of me so he keeps doing it. I try not to react and that's why I went downstairs tonight but it just makes my blood boil when he talks like that. He does it because he gets a reaction out of me but he also does it because he actually believes it. He'll say something and sees it gets a reaction so he keeps pushing it.
I am done. I am so done with all of this.
So I've joined the blogger community. Can't say that I'm too surprised...it was only a matter of time. I've had previous blogs on myspace but I didn't really post too often and this seems to be the most "popular" place to do stuff like this so...yeah, here I am. So this is a pretty lame first post - lo siento. But it is after 1am and I have to get up early to save seats at Stake Conference tomorrow morning. I assure you there will be more to see later.