My 5 Seconds

There's a scene in season one of Lost, I think it's the pilot, where Jack asks Kate to sew up the cut in his shoulder/back. She asks him why he isn't scared and he tells her this story about how he once made a mistake on his first surgery and he cut open a woman's spine. He told Kate that he had two options at that moment, he could completely freeze up and let this woman die or he could give way to the fear. Let it completely consume him and overwhelm him...for 5 seconds. For 5 seconds he let the fear take control then he took control and saved the woman's life. Later in the show, Kate uses Jack's advice. She gives over to the fear for 5 seconds and then she runs and kicks some serious butt. This is my 5 seconds.

The surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. I'll be in the hospital 2-3 days. I'll go home on Saturday or Sunday, depending on how i'm doing. I'm not nervous/anxious/scared about the surgery. I know i should be but i'm not. I know it's not going to really hurt...i mean they are shoving some sort of sharp instrument up my nose, so that's not really going to feel too great, but it's not going to be incredibly painful.

Over the past couple of days people have been asking me if i'm excited about the surgery. Why, yes...yes i am excited. I'm excited to have a sharp medical instrument shoved up my nose. I'm very excited about the withdrawal symptoms that i'll be feeling for the weeks following the surgery. I'm am especially excited about the perma-PMS from hell that i'll be experiencing in the coming months while my body readjusts. I could not be happier about the fact that I will be taking prednizone (sp)...aka the fat drug. As if i don't like the way i look enough, i now have to take a drug that one of the most common side effects is weight gain.

When I started seeing Dr. Swenson in May, she took me off all the meds that i had been taking that had been "treating" what people thought was wrong with me. They were all treating the symptoms...or at least alleviating the symptoms. I've been on medication for most of my life and i had never realized just how much it actually helped. No, I'm not a beauty queen but i'm not obese and my skin could be much worse. In the months since i've been off all the medications i've gained about 10-15 pounds, my skin has decided that it would rather look like a 14 year old with really bad PMS. As emotional and moody as i can get...that's nothing compared to what i've been feeling lately. And that's what i have to look forward to in the coming months. why wouldn't i be excited?

People hear "surgery" and they immediately think physical discomfort and pain but in this situation, nothing i've been through, am going through, will be going through is physical in that sense. I'm not sick in the sense that it is visible to people. I don't have horns, purple dots, stripes, or foreign objects protruding from my body but i do have to fight to keep it together on a daily basis. I have to muster all my self control to not completely lose it every.single.day.

And people seem to think that this will be the answer to all my problems. What if it's not? I don't feel fear/anger/anxiety/excitement about this surgery. I don't really feel a whole lot about it right now. I'm indifferent to the actual event. I'm irritated. I've been disappointed too many times in the past by doctors telling me they have the answer and nothing changes. I'm still emotional. I continue to gain weight. My skin won't clear up (even after going on accutane). Nothing changes. And I guess i still don't think anything will change. I just don't believe it. Can you really blame me? Every time I go to the doctor...every ER visit, hospital stay, I'm the "mystery" case. I go home with generic antibiotics or pain meds and a, "well...if it comes back give us a call but we don't know what's wrong with you". And if by some miracle this is actually the answer and this fixes "it", what am i supposed to expect? I've never known anything other than my reality. How can i get excited for something that i have absolutely no frame of reference for??

And even if this does "work" it may not be a permanent fix. It may come back which would mean another surgery. Or it may not be the answer at all! They go in a take out these two growths and nothing changes. The "recovery" time is 2-3 weeks. That's how long it is going to take for my body to physically heal. That doesn't mean that i'm going to be over this in 3 weeks. It's going to take months... months for us to know if anything is even different!

So no. No....i'm not excited about this surgery. And if one more person asks such an asinine question i just may lose it completely

5 seconds up. Back to work.