My 5 Seconds

There's a scene in season one of Lost, I think it's the pilot, where Jack asks Kate to sew up the cut in his shoulder/back. She asks him why he isn't scared and he tells her this story about how he once made a mistake on his first surgery and he cut open a woman's spine. He told Kate that he had two options at that moment, he could completely freeze up and let this woman die or he could give way to the fear. Let it completely consume him and overwhelm him...for 5 seconds. For 5 seconds he let the fear take control then he took control and saved the woman's life. Later in the show, Kate uses Jack's advice. She gives over to the fear for 5 seconds and then she runs and kicks some serious butt. This is my 5 seconds.

The surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. I'll be in the hospital 2-3 days. I'll go home on Saturday or Sunday, depending on how i'm doing. I'm not nervous/anxious/scared about the surgery. I know i should be but i'm not. I know it's not going to really hurt...i mean they are shoving some sort of sharp instrument up my nose, so that's not really going to feel too great, but it's not going to be incredibly painful.

Over the past couple of days people have been asking me if i'm excited about the surgery. Why, yes...yes i am excited. I'm excited to have a sharp medical instrument shoved up my nose. I'm very excited about the withdrawal symptoms that i'll be feeling for the weeks following the surgery. I'm am especially excited about the perma-PMS from hell that i'll be experiencing in the coming months while my body readjusts. I could not be happier about the fact that I will be taking prednizone (sp)...aka the fat drug. As if i don't like the way i look enough, i now have to take a drug that one of the most common side effects is weight gain.

When I started seeing Dr. Swenson in May, she took me off all the meds that i had been taking that had been "treating" what people thought was wrong with me. They were all treating the symptoms...or at least alleviating the symptoms. I've been on medication for most of my life and i had never realized just how much it actually helped. No, I'm not a beauty queen but i'm not obese and my skin could be much worse. In the months since i've been off all the medications i've gained about 10-15 pounds, my skin has decided that it would rather look like a 14 year old with really bad PMS. As emotional and moody as i can get...that's nothing compared to what i've been feeling lately. And that's what i have to look forward to in the coming months. why wouldn't i be excited?

People hear "surgery" and they immediately think physical discomfort and pain but in this situation, nothing i've been through, am going through, will be going through is physical in that sense. I'm not sick in the sense that it is visible to people. I don't have horns, purple dots, stripes, or foreign objects protruding from my body but i do have to fight to keep it together on a daily basis. I have to muster all my self control to not completely lose it every.single.day.

And people seem to think that this will be the answer to all my problems. What if it's not? I don't feel fear/anger/anxiety/excitement about this surgery. I don't really feel a whole lot about it right now. I'm indifferent to the actual event. I'm irritated. I've been disappointed too many times in the past by doctors telling me they have the answer and nothing changes. I'm still emotional. I continue to gain weight. My skin won't clear up (even after going on accutane). Nothing changes. And I guess i still don't think anything will change. I just don't believe it. Can you really blame me? Every time I go to the doctor...every ER visit, hospital stay, I'm the "mystery" case. I go home with generic antibiotics or pain meds and a, "well...if it comes back give us a call but we don't know what's wrong with you". And if by some miracle this is actually the answer and this fixes "it", what am i supposed to expect? I've never known anything other than my reality. How can i get excited for something that i have absolutely no frame of reference for??

And even if this does "work" it may not be a permanent fix. It may come back which would mean another surgery. Or it may not be the answer at all! They go in a take out these two growths and nothing changes. The "recovery" time is 2-3 weeks. That's how long it is going to take for my body to physically heal. That doesn't mean that i'm going to be over this in 3 weeks. It's going to take months... months for us to know if anything is even different!

So no. No....i'm not excited about this surgery. And if one more person asks such an asinine question i just may lose it completely

5 seconds up. Back to work.

The Prerogative of a Lit major

My sister pointed out the fact to me that it was odd/slightly ironic that I was so disturbed by the "Young Living Family Farm" sign. She thinks it's funny because I am a notoriously bad speller and often times, she claims, that my grammar isn't too keen. But you see...that's the prerogative of a Lit Major. Yes, I am a horrible speller. I'll be the first to admit it. That however, doesn't mean that I don't understand how or why something doesn't make sense. I know the difference between your and you're. Their, they're, there. Where, wear. It's and its. I understand these differences and I understand the difference between "Young Living Family Farm" and "Young Family Living Farm". It makes a difference. I understand the rules of the English language, better than most. But I am human and can be lazy. And I think it would make me sound like a pompous fool if I spoke "proper" English 100% of the time. Try it out...you'll sound ridiculous. I love words. And it drives me nuts when people misuse them...subject/verb agreement drives me nuts...it sounds awkward and clunky and it's even more difficult to verbally express. Yes...i say stupid things. I say many stupid things. I say things that don't make sense....doesn't mean i don't know better. I do, but in the words of Uh-huh from the movie "Little Rascals" when everyone exclaims he's learned a new word..."Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary. I simply chose not to employ it."

Odd duck...

I was really bored at work this morning (have been all week) and I was going through my old emails and I came across this one from my younger brother, Patrick back in 2005. This was all. There wasn't an explanation or anything.


Darfi a moo moo de comni ami mo mo. Watchi a mo to tati beop. Calami de perry como a jaja frialo, mitomanchi DESCARTOTO!!! FRA ALI MOTO?! Jennifer froto siaado mocomo. MIDGITO!!!!!!!! Alimo, Eiyee jahoma.
Frito,
Pat

Thesis

My thesis in a nutshell...only said much better than I ever could...how depressing.

Misplaced Modifiers...

So this is just going to confirm the fact that I am a huge dork but so be it.

I went to Southern Utah last weekend with my mother. And we're driving down I-15 just before you get to Nephi there's this sign. It says, "Young Living Family Farm". This sign has always confused me. At first glance it seems simple enough, it's a farm of some sort but here's where the confusion comes in. It's a farm, yes...but what kind of farm? Is Young a noun in this situation or is it an adjective? And if it's a noun then is "living" modifying "young" or is it modifying "family farm". OR is "family" actually an adjective too and modifying "farm". It's a farm but what kind of farm? It's a family farm.

OR could it be the Young Family Farm. As in this family, with the last name of Young...but then where does "living" come in? Is living modifying farm or family? So the farm is living? As in people are actually living on the the farm and working the farm? Or does it mean the family on the farm is living?

You think it stops there, but no it doesn't. Is "young" modifying the type of family that is living on the farm? It has to be a "young" family? So once they get old they have to move on and live somewhere else?

What they probably mean is "Young Family Living Farm". It's a touristy/historical site so I bet it's sort of like "This is the Place State Park". And the original owners of the farm was the Young Family and it's a Living Farm because people are actually working the farm...as they would have back in the day. Sort of like a Wheeler Farm.

But this sign has never made sense to me. In all the years my family has driven that road on all the trips down to Lake Powell, California and Southern Utah...it has always confused me and irritated me. Misplaced Modifiers....they wreak havoc wherever they go.


yes...i know...let's all say it together..."Kelly, you are such a nerd!"

GIRLS!

G is for Gorgeous Baby Girls! We've got two new ones in the family and I know that newborns are kind of odd looking in general and look like aliens for the first couple of weeks, but I think these two are pretty dang cute...for newborns.

Emily Anne Jarman
September 11, 2007

Sienna Christine Fisher
August 25, 2007

Fa-la-la

F is for Family, Friends, Future, Fealty (look it up), Fortunate, Failure. These are all words that came to mind when I was thinking of what to post for F.

Family and Friends pretty much are one in the same. I've been extremely fortunate to have a couple of pretty amazing friends in my life and they are like sisters to me. I'm actually moving in with one of them in October. They love me for who I am and don't judge me, which, let's face it...wouldn't be too difficult sometimes. I know I can take all my worries, anxieties, stress moments, freakouts to them and they'll probably laugh but it'll make me smile and everything ends well.

My family is pretty cool. I think it's amazing that we're as close as we are. As I move out more into the real world and I meet different people, I realize just how great it is that I am as close to my siblings as I am. My younger brother is a bit of a dork at times, but he can make me laugh when I don't want to but really need to. He calls me on my "moments" and tells me when I'm being silly. In turn, I go shopping with him and tell him that, no that shirt doesn't look stupid or yes, it is different from the other brown polo t-shirt that you bought today.

The Future seems to be staring me down these days. I'm moving upward and onward. It's taken me a bit longer than I had anticipated but after living in my parent's basement for the past year and a half, I am moving out on my own. My job is getting better. I've gotten two raises in the past 3 months and I'm getting more responsibility and even though I still have days where I almost go postal on my coworkers, I actually do enjoy my job.

Fealty, Loyalty and Love are something that are central to who I am...or at least, like to think that I am. I like to think that I'm loyal to the people that I love.

We're a crazy bunch, but we have fun.
(La Fiesta de nos Madre - 2007)

Something to look forward to....

Fun for the Future.

They have to break my face....um.....no?

Expectations

E is for Expectations. I have expectations. We all have Expectations but I have many Expectations, most of which are a bit out there and completely irrational. I find that it's because of my expectations that I am often upset or hurt or angry or irritated. Or maybe I should say it is because of disappointed expectations that I am often upset, hurt, angry or irritated. I expect things that maybe I shouldn't expect and yet if the world were a better place, my expectations would be so out of the realm of reality. Why settle for anything less than great? Why should I expect less than wonderful? It's lower expectations that make people lazy. I say expect the best and give the best and hopefully someday you'll get what you expect.

Expect count: 12


ps. I expect people to read and make brilliant comments!

expect count: 13

Delicious, dreams

D is for Delicious. I love food. (I just had lunch) For me it's the simple foods that are the best. I'm not really into the gourmet meals where you can't say the name and it doesn't taste like you think it should. For example, today I had a turkey sandwich on white bread with mayo and cheddar cheese for lunch. It was quite delicious. I'd rather have a slice of cheese pizza than some fancy, shmancy duck with plumb sauce and capers something or other. Sometimes I think the chefs in those fancy restaurants randomly pick ingredients out of a bag and have to come up with something. I love pizza and sandwiches and pasta. All those yummy carbs that i shouldn't eat and i usually feel guilty for eating later. But in the moment...it's oh so good.

D is also for Dreams. I have strange dreams and lately i've been dreaming about furniture. I'm moving out in about a month and Sarah and I have been doing a little furniture shopping. Looking around to see what's there, how much it costs and what do we have already. I had a dream about our kitchen table the other day. We found one that we really like at Ikea. It's a bar height table for four. In my dream i found another one at Smith's Market Place that had leaves to make it bigger and it would fit 8 and it came with stools...always helpful. So in my dream I buy the table but Sarah wasn't there and when she found out she was mad that I had bought the table. Saying I had betrayed her. I'm sure there's some deeper meaning on a subconscious level but i don't know what it is.

I also have dreams for my life. Where I want to go, what i want to do, who i want to be. And lately, in particular, I have been really frustrated with the feeling that I can't move forward toward accomplishing those dreams. I am so excited to move out because that is a step towards moving on. Yet, now that the end is in sight, it's gotten so much harder to be at home. I am ready to move out and I'm frustrated that I have to wait until the first week of October to move out. Blast!

Conversation

C is for Conversation. I'm a talker. I love to talk. I will talk for hours if given the chance. This is slightly ironic considering the fact that i come from a family that does not talk. Growing up we never talked to each other. We didn't really communicate about what we were doing in our lives or what we were experiencing, even if we were experiencing the same things. Maybe that's why I talk so much now and I'll usually share with anyone that will ask. Maybe because we didn't talk growing up I feel I have to make up for lost time? I love to sit over a leisurely dinner with friends and just talk. You sit down to a nice meal with friends in your favorite restaurant and find the dining room empty when you get up to leave and are astonished when you realize that you've been sitting there for three hours. It's an evening well spent. Good food, good people, good conversation. It makes me happy.