Monday, May 21, 2007

Pendulum of Life

pen·du·lum (pěn'jə-ləm, pěn'dyə-, pěn'də-) Pronunciation Key


1. A body suspended from a fixed support so that it swings freely back and forth under the influence of gravity, commonly used to regulate various devices, especially clocks. Also called simple pendulum.
2. Something that swings back and forth from one course, opinion, or condition to another: the pendulum of public opinion.

I want so much to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person. But it's hard...really hard. I swing back and forth so many times and on so many different topics. I seem inconsistent and probably hypocritical to some people but I promise, my heart is in the right place. I may falter more often than not but I'm trying to keep the forward momentum going.

My biggest struggle lately has been trying not to be irritated and hurt by those around me. They don't mean to do it and most of the time aren't even aware they are doing it. Like me, they are just striving to be the best person they can and they're going to slip and fall occasionally. I guess I'm more aware of it in them because I'm more aware of it in myself. I'm having a hard time forgetting about it and forgiving/ignoring it in others because I'm having a hard time overcoming it in my own life.

I want to be more loving with the people in my life. Too often I find myself being snappish and snarky with the people I love most. I can't remember who it was, but there was a talk in the last General Conference...I want to say it was President Faust, but I'm not sure...about choosing the words we use and the tone of our voices. The tone in which we say something can have more power and lasting consequences than the words themselves. I know this is true because I've been on the receiving end of a vicious tone, a gentle tone, a condescending tone or a loving tone. The tone of voice you use is the manifestation of the feeling behind the words.

I feel like I'm clinging on to a huge clock pendulum and I want to strike a balance in my life and stop the mad swinging back and forth but I just can't seem to get there. And not just in my personal relationships with the people around me but with my job/school/career aspirations, my own spiritual growth...all aspects of my life but I just can't seem to manage it somehow. I have great moments...wonderful "ah-hah" moments and I think I'm making progress but then the pendulum swings back and I sometimes feel like I'm loosing more ground than I'm gaining. Will I ever be able to find that balance? Will the pendulum ever stop swinging?