Saturday, April 18, 2009

These times are a changin'

It's Saturday night and I am home alone. I read an entire novel tonight...granted, it wasn't a very long novel but I read the entire thing tonight. Lisa is dating someone. When people hear that my roommate and dear friend is dating someone, the first question usually is somewhere along the lines of 'how do you feel about that?' I don't really know him that well but from what I have seen/heard/observed, he's a good guy. He makes Lisa happy, which makes me happy. They haven't been dating for very long but it seems to be going well and I'm happy for them. It has gotten me to thinking about my own future. I've had plenty of time for thinking, Lisa's not around much. If I'm honest, not getting into Sarah Lawrence really took me by surprise and sent me reeling.

I was in Church the Sunday after I got my rejection letter and my nerves were pretty raw and I was still pretty upset. I had a really difficult time maintaining my composure through Relief Society (I was sitting by a couple of girls I didn't know and didn't really want their first impression of me to be an emotional one). I ended up going home for Sunday School and came back for Sacrament Meeting, thinking I had calmed down enough and I would be able to keep it together to sit through an hour long meeting. I couldn't have been more wrong. We were singing the Sacrament Hymn #169 "As Now We Take the Sacrament". I was fine until we got to the third verse. It says:

As now we praise thy name with song;
The blessing of this day will linger in our thankful hearts,
And silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full. We'll walk thy chosen way. (my emphasis added)

I completely lost it. As I sat there silently weeping, Lisa put her arm around me and Beth gave me a Kleenex. I was and still am trying to make sense of my life. I'm trying to have courage to accept the Lord's will for my life. It's not easy and I'm a fairly stubborn individual so it's been a painful process. It was absolutely terrifying to put my trust in the Lord and have faith that all would end well and better than I could possibly imagine.

My sister was the first person that I actually talked to about not getting into Sarah Lawrence. Being the wise woman that she is, told me that I just needed to take some time before I worried about what my next step is going to be. She told me not to think about it until I get from my cruise. Well, that's been easier said than done...but I have tried to take her advice and I think it's been a really good thing for me. Because I haven't been, or at least trying not to, actively think about my future I have felt a little bit of peace. Don't get me wrong, I'm still processing and I guess you could say mourning. My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would, but when does life ever turn out the way you thought it would. Anyway, ignoring my rambling, my point is I have taken Annie's advice and I am starting to see the glimmerings of a future and a plan for myself. It's something that may seem out of left field for some people and for others it may seem fairly natural. I'm not quite ready to talk about the particulars (i know, annoying, right?) but I'm moving forward. It's terrifying to move on to something almost completely unknown and put my trust in the Lord to get me through this. Sorry, that's all the details you get for now.