Monday, March 12, 2007

Taking back my life

I've sat here for too long waiting. Waiting for what, I'm not really sure....my life to start? But then I was in the shower this morning...i'm telling you...there comes an amazing sense of clarity whenever I'm in the shower. It's like I'm washing away all the confusion and clutter in my mind as I'm washing my hair...and I realized that I can't keep waiting for my life to start. It's not going to start without me. I have to get moving. I look around at the other people my age and a lot of them are doing some pretty amazing things but they didn't just happen to them. They actually went out and made them happen.

I went to the library on Saturday and got a big ole' stack of books so I could start my research. And guess what...they haven't just been sitting on my desk, unopened. I actually started reading and taking notes. I forgot how much I love it! I forgot how excited I get when I read a passage and it resonates somewhere in my mind and my heart. I forgot how much fun I enjoy reading about different opinions and ideas and theories. I'm just excited to be back in the academic world. I really don't think that many people understand that about me. I think some people think they get it but I guess i don't really know how many people share that passion.

I remember last year when I was getting ready to graduate I was emailing back and forth with my dad about what I was going to miss and one of the things that i said i was going to miss is the intellectual stimulation and discussion. His reply to that was, "we can still talk about it at home and it's not something that you have to leave behind." Since then not much has changed...and granted, I haven't made too much of a concerted effort to have those types of discussions but honestly, i don't think it's worth it. I can't imagine talking about my book with my dad in a rational, intellectual manner. Mormon Feminism as a topic for dinner conversation...? not in our house.

But that doesn't matter. I don't care anymore...or at least I don't care at this moment, which is going to have to be good enough for now...I'm taking back my life. No more waiting for someone to give me their stamp of approval or their attention. I'm not going to wait for them to notice me. I'll make it impossible for them not to notice me just by simply living my life the way I want to.