Monday, January 14, 2008

Thoughts

I went shopping with my mother this weekend for new pants. I've lost quite a bit of weight since the surgery (relatively speaking) and since I could pull my pants off without unbuttoning or unzipping them, I figured it was time to invest in some new pants. I went to several different stores and tried on more pants than I ever have before and it was still incredibly difficult to find pants that I liked and felt comfortable in. I ended up buying two pairs of pants that I'm not over the moon about but was convinced by my mom and the sales clerk to buy them. All this shopping and trying on of clothes made me realize a few things:

ONE: What mean spirited group of fashion designers thought it would be a good idea to have the same number mean different actual measurements depending on the store, style and brand of clothes. I tried on the same size pants that I had at home...the ones that were now too big for me, and I could hardly get them buttoned. I don't understand how one size can be so different. It's frustrating and just plain old mean.

*TWO: I've found that most women are generally unhappy or insecure with the way they look. We all have our own issues. For me, it has always been my weight. It is something that I have struggled with for years (little did we know that it really wasn't anything I had too much control over). Being overweight, how ever much or how little, you happen to be, is more than just a dress size of a number on a scale. It's a state of mind. It's a dangerous state of mind. If you feel fat or gross in the clothes you are wearing or just in your skin, the number on the scale isn't going to make a difference and people telling you isn't going to make much of a difference either. In high school I had all the psychological symptoms of anorexia but none of the outward/physical manifestations due to my other medical issues. And those issues stay with you. They don't go away because you happen to lose weight. I act excited about the weight loss because I think I should be and people expect me to be but really I'm skeptical. It won't last or it won't make a difference. I've never felt especially pretty or confidant in the way I look and it's silly and naive to think that by loosing weight any of that is going to change. I have to change the way I see myself and that doesn't change with the number on the scale.

THREE: All the people that complain because they have nothing else to do should be put into a room together, lock the door and throw away the key.


*disclaimer - I am not anorexic and I am not depressed. These are things that I experienced in the past and I am now simply giving voice to ideas and thoughts that have been rolling around in my head. These are reflections on my life, thoughts, feelings and experiences that have shaped my life and who I am today.