Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Late Night Rant

As I started to write this, mostly to kill some time at work, I was originally going to ask a few dating related questions. It the morphed into something else. I wasn't going to post it but then decided, what the hay. It's late and I'm slightly loopy and I may regret posting this in the morning but oh well.

So after the last romantic fiasco of 06-07, I told myself I wasn't going to blog so excessively about boys. It just makes me look silly, stupid and far too girly (even for me). Last time around, I was in so far over my head because I didn't think to control myself. I didn't think for one moment that it may not end up the way I had hoped until it was far too late. It never crossed my mind that I should think a teensy, tiny little bit before I jumped in with both feet. I like to think that I've learned from that situation. That I'm not the girl that lets a guy walk all over her and not say anything about it. I like to think that I have gained some perspective about relationships and about guys. I don't claim to know everything, in fact, I'm pretty sure I know very little, but I know more than I did a year ago. I had a conversation with my mother a while ago about this and I told her my "list" had changed. I think most people have a list of qualities that they want in a partner. My list was something like this: romantic, artistic/musical, passionate (about anything), smart, confident (which can often conceal arrogance). If possible, he should intellectual, like to read, like movies, traveling, art/museums and it wouldn't hurt if he was cute...the list goes on and on and on. After the Fiasco of 06-07, my list changed. It's now much simpler. If I can marry a man that is good, a worthy priesthood holder and a hard worker that loves me and I love him, I will consider myself very lucky.

Yet, given all this personal growth (yes, I know it sounds horribly cheesy and somewhat self-righteous) I am still at a total loss. How did this happen, again? I'm not in over my head the way I was last time but there are some striking similarities in both situations. I'm confused. I thought I was giving all the right signals and, for a while, I was pretty sure there was signals being sent the other direction and yet here I am, signal-less. I don't know what else I could have done or said without being completely obvious. And I know there are probably some people out there that are going to ask me why I didn't just say something. And the reason is, it doesn't work that least, not for me. Or of course, he really is just not that into me. Timing is 99% of romantic relationships. I know this. I get it. But I've never been the "pretty" one or the girl that has multiple guys asking her out at once. I've always been the "buddy" or the pretty girl's best friend. I may sound bitter and really, I'm not. I actually like who I am and I know that someday it will all work out. But right now, in this moment, I'm irritated. And that probably has something to do with the fact that it's 11:30 at night and I'm "working" (don't ask). Or the fact that I haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. Or the fact that I really don't like my job right now.

I have really been trying not to be so negative lately and be happy and I think I've been doing a pretty good job at it but I still feel like something is missing. And I don't mean a guy. I know that's not going to do any good.

This post has turned into something that I didn't intend. What was going to be a request for advice has turned into something of a late night rant. Sorry. Please feel free to discontinue reading as I am not sure what is coming next.

On a more positive note, I love my apartment but I do think my roomie misses her old roomie. I am sitting in my room right now in my grandma's old pink chair and I do love my room. I painted the walls a two-toned blue. One wall is basically covered by my two big dark bookshelves that look great stuffed to capacity and then some. I have my dresser that I love and photos on the wall. It really feels like it is my space. I finally feel like I am comfortable in my own skin. I'm incredibly girly and for the first time, I don't feel the need to apologize for that or hide it. I like who I am but I still don't feel like it is good enough. I still feel like I'm pretending sometimes and I am so tired of pretending to be something I'm not.

The Great Accident of 2008 was two weeks ago today. The first day I was back at work I was talking with a coworker about the accident. He and his wife have recently experienced their own personal tragedy. He gave me this piece of advice. He told me that everyone deals with these kinds of situations differently and that some people get over it sooner. I told him about how Colby was fine. He didn't miss a beat. I compared that to how it's been for me. I still don't particularly enjoy driving and I'll avoid it if I can. I'm not in much physical pain other than my back and my neck aches more than it used to, but nothing alarming. But I have been having dreams ever since the accident. At first it was just the accident over and over again. I would try to get to Colby in the backseat where he was injured but I couldn't get to him. When I was finally able to get to him, nothing I did helped. I have watched him die in front of my eyes almost every night for the past two weeks. It stopped for a couple of nights and then Sunday night the dream changed but the theme was the same. It was no longer a car accident but the end result is always the same. He dies right in front of me...very vividly and realistically. My coworker told me that some people will move on sooner and that's ok. He also told me that those that move on sooner or those that weren't involved in the accident will loose interest, will stop wanting to talk about it (not that I really want to talk about it). But his point was, just because it may take me longer to get over it, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. I just have to deal with it in my own way.

I think I live too much in my mind. I like to think and talk but I'm not much of a doer. I think part of the reason that I love to read so much is because it takes me outside of my own reality, even if it's just for the briefest moment. I can become someone else. I can enter a different world. It's a place where I don't have to deal with my own problems or questions but I can watch the hero/heroine fight her battles and see how the story ends. I can cover decades in a matter of hours.

So this is a bit scatterbrained but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm not even sure if I'll post this. It makes me sound slightly unhinged.


AnnieBJ said...

1. I was the "pretty girl" and I very rarely got asked out. I had to go hundreds of miles to find a guy who would date me.

2. There's nothing wrong with you, you just haven't found the right guy yet. He's out there. Really, he is.

3. I think sometimes we have to hit an emotional low to get us on the right track. You have to get to the point where the only thing left to do is make a change in your life. Take this time right now to continue to grow and learn about yourself, what is important to you.

4. Your second list of important qualities is the right one. If you search for someone with those things then you will find the right one. And more likely then not he'll have quite a few of those other qualities that were on your first list anyway.

Sue said...

Kelly, this is the kind of advice I hated when I was in your shoes, but it's still true: When it's the right guy, it will be incredibly simple. So simple you'll wonder why you ever twisted yourself into knots over the other guys who mystified you.

Getting comfortable in your own skin is half the battle. (Although I'm not sure talking about it in terms of war is really all that good of an idea, heh.) Because once you can really be yourself, people are drawn to that authenticity - whatever that is. Example - I spent a lot of years trying to pretend I was cool and cynical, which wasn't me at all. I think people could sense that fakeness. Once I accepted who I was (in my case a big silly dork) everything in my life clicked into place - friends, dating, marriage. I think you're doing all the right things - getting comfortable with who you are, so that other people can be comfortable with you are too.

Sorry. Total unsolicited advice from someone who doesn't know you all that well in real life, but who FEELS like she does because of the blog. Plus I'm bossy. Ask Wendy.

Nicki said...

I love you, and I'm glad that you've survived the accident and the boys (as good as accidents, sometimes). I think that you're brilliant and my kind of girl.

I believe that the Lord's hand is in our lives continually, and the best way to be happiest is to keep looking for which direction that hand is pointing. If you can develop that skill life will never have the upper hand on you. (Lot's of hands in that paragraph!)

I've discovered that the more I place my focus to the outside, the more I think about what I can do for others (and what I can do in general), the less stressful life becomes. I get to think of others and my life falls into place all by itself.

Anonymous said...