Late Night Rant

As I started to write this, mostly to kill some time at work, I was originally going to ask a few dating related questions. It the morphed into something else. I wasn't going to post it but then decided, what the hay. It's late and I'm slightly loopy and I may regret posting this in the morning but oh well.


So after the last romantic fiasco of 06-07, I told myself I wasn't going to blog so excessively about boys. It just makes me look silly, stupid and far too girly (even for me). Last time around, I was in so far over my head because I didn't think to control myself. I didn't think for one moment that it may not end up the way I had hoped until it was far too late. It never crossed my mind that I should think a teensy, tiny little bit before I jumped in with both feet. I like to think that I've learned from that situation. That I'm not the girl that lets a guy walk all over her and not say anything about it. I like to think that I have gained some perspective about relationships and about guys. I don't claim to know everything, in fact, I'm pretty sure I know very little, but I know more than I did a year ago. I had a conversation with my mother a while ago about this and I told her my "list" had changed. I think most people have a list of qualities that they want in a partner. My list was something like this: romantic, artistic/musical, passionate (about anything), smart, confident (which can often conceal arrogance). If possible, he should intellectual, like to read, like movies, traveling, art/museums and it wouldn't hurt if he was cute...the list goes on and on and on. After the Fiasco of 06-07, my list changed. It's now much simpler. If I can marry a man that is good, a worthy priesthood holder and a hard worker that loves me and I love him, I will consider myself very lucky.

Yet, given all this personal growth (yes, I know it sounds horribly cheesy and somewhat self-righteous) I am still at a total loss. How did this happen, again? I'm not in over my head the way I was last time but there are some striking similarities in both situations. I'm confused. I thought I was giving all the right signals and, for a while, I was pretty sure there was signals being sent the other direction and yet here I am, signal-less. I don't know what else I could have done or said without being completely obvious. And I know there are probably some people out there that are going to ask me why I didn't just say something. And the reason is, it doesn't work that way...at least, not for me. Or of course, he really is just not that into me. Timing is 99% of romantic relationships. I know this. I get it. But I've never been the "pretty" one or the girl that has multiple guys asking her out at once. I've always been the "buddy" or the pretty girl's best friend. I may sound bitter and really, I'm not. I actually like who I am and I know that someday it will all work out. But right now, in this moment, I'm irritated. And that probably has something to do with the fact that it's 11:30 at night and I'm "working" (don't ask). Or the fact that I haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. Or the fact that I really don't like my job right now.

I have really been trying not to be so negative lately and be happy and I think I've been doing a pretty good job at it but I still feel like something is missing. And I don't mean a guy. I know that's not going to do any good.

This post has turned into something that I didn't intend. What was going to be a request for advice has turned into something of a late night rant. Sorry. Please feel free to discontinue reading as I am not sure what is coming next.

On a more positive note, I love my apartment but I do think my roomie misses her old roomie. I am sitting in my room right now in my grandma's old pink chair and I do love my room. I painted the walls a two-toned blue. One wall is basically covered by my two big dark bookshelves that look great stuffed to capacity and then some. I have my dresser that I love and photos on the wall. It really feels like it is my space. I finally feel like I am comfortable in my own skin. I'm incredibly girly and for the first time, I don't feel the need to apologize for that or hide it. I like who I am but I still don't feel like it is good enough. I still feel like I'm pretending sometimes and I am so tired of pretending to be something I'm not.

The Great Accident of 2008 was two weeks ago today. The first day I was back at work I was talking with a coworker about the accident. He and his wife have recently experienced their own personal tragedy. He gave me this piece of advice. He told me that everyone deals with these kinds of situations differently and that some people get over it sooner. I told him about how Colby was fine. He didn't miss a beat. I compared that to how it's been for me. I still don't particularly enjoy driving and I'll avoid it if I can. I'm not in much physical pain other than my back and my neck aches more than it used to, but nothing alarming. But I have been having dreams ever since the accident. At first it was just the accident over and over again. I would try to get to Colby in the backseat where he was injured but I couldn't get to him. When I was finally able to get to him, nothing I did helped. I have watched him die in front of my eyes almost every night for the past two weeks. It stopped for a couple of nights and then Sunday night the dream changed but the theme was the same. It was no longer a car accident but the end result is always the same. He dies right in front of me...very vividly and realistically. My coworker told me that some people will move on sooner and that's ok. He also told me that those that move on sooner or those that weren't involved in the accident will loose interest, will stop wanting to talk about it (not that I really want to talk about it). But his point was, just because it may take me longer to get over it, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. I just have to deal with it in my own way.

I think I live too much in my mind. I like to think and talk but I'm not much of a doer. I think part of the reason that I love to read so much is because it takes me outside of my own reality, even if it's just for the briefest moment. I can become someone else. I can enter a different world. It's a place where I don't have to deal with my own problems or questions but I can watch the hero/heroine fight her battles and see how the story ends. I can cover decades in a matter of hours.

So this is a bit scatterbrained but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm not even sure if I'll post this. It makes me sound slightly unhinged.

Bored teenage boys

So I know I've been posting a lot of videos lately but this one is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. If you like Les Miserables or if you like Legos please please please watch this movie. Wait... what do Legos and Les Miserables have in common, you ask? Watch and be amazed!

John Owen-Jones

This is the actor that played Valjean when I was in London in 2006. When he sang this song the entire theater was silent. You could hear a pin drop. I've seen Les Miserables 6 times and he is by far the best Valjean I've ever heard.

Photographic Evidence

This a close up of the windshield. It is so thin at the top that the only thing holding it together is the blue tint.

This is the path of the semi as it came up on over the car and then smashed out the back window.

This is the back window with the front bumper through it.

This is the trunk of the car...are at least what is left of it.

I almost died yesterday...

Literally. I am not exaggerating at all. What started out as a friendly expedition to Ikea turned into black ice, mutilated metal and a near death experience. Stupid Ikea.

Lisa, Colby and I all had yesterday off and we all needed/wanted things from Ikea. Perfect! It'll be the middle of the week, in the morning, no one will be there. Turns out we won't be there either. We wake up Wednesday morning and it is snowing. It's not snowing super hard but it's snowing. Lisa and I went to the grocery store and I could see little patches of blue sky to the North and East. I didn't notice the angry black cloud that was hovering to the South and West...right where we were going. Not that it would have stopped us from going, but I just didn't notice it.

10:30, we pick up Colby at his apartment. He is, of course glued to his cell phone, texting who knows who. The three of us banter and talk about Lisa's inability to change the time on her radio in her car. I comment on a passing man, to me, looked like a guy from our Ward. We pass the BodyWorlds exhibit and Colby mentions how he needs to buy tickets for his date on Friday night. We stop and a 7-11 and Lisa fills up her gas tank. All seemingly normal activities and events. It still isn't even snowing that badly.

10:40, we are on I-15 and heading South. Traffic is pretty normal, if not a bit slower due to the increasing snow/sleet/wet stuff falling from the sky, the further we move south. I tell Lisa, It's a good think she doesn't mind driving in the winter because I hate it. She responds saying it's just because she doesn't freak out and act stupid when it starts to rain or snow. At this point we're in the carpool lane. We're talking about driving in winter conditions and nothing of any real importance. And then, as if someone pushed the back end of our car, we start swerving back and forth. Lisa stays calm and tries to correct the car but to no avail. We fishtail and do a 180 so we are in the other lane facing the wrong direction. A huge white van is heading straight for us but some mysterious power pulls us west...away from the van as the van moves east towards the lane we were just in. The mysterious power was a semi. We had been pulled under the trailer of a semi truck and it went up and over the rear driver side window, the back window shattered, spilling glass all over the back seat and somehow getting into Colby's shoes. And destroying the entire back end of Lisa's car. After the semi lets go of us we fish tail again so we are now facing the right direction but sideswiped by a huge black Yukon. It hits at an angle on the driver side and pulls Lisa's bumper clean off and sends it about 10 yards up the freeway. The force from the hit of the Yukon sends us right into the concrete barrier on the other side of the freeway. If we had gone about 3 yards further south we would have missed the barrier and gone rolling down the hill on the side of the freeway.

10:50, the car has stopped. The entire time Lisa had been repeating "Oh my gosh! oh my gosh!" with each "oh my gosh" getting faster and faster. In the back seat Colby was silent and I had been screaming the entire time. Screaming at a decibel that I have never reached before in my life. Once the car stopped we immediately started to check to see if everyone was ok. I was afraid to open my eyes because I didn't want to see just how badly injured everyone else was. Colby had made a peep the entire time, I was sure the semi had finished him off. I was pretty sure Lisa was ok because she was already twisting around checking on everyone else. I was pretty much in shock. I couldn't believe what had just happened to us. I wasn't sure whether I should start crying or laughing. Instead I just started to hyperventilate. Eventually I get out of the car by climbing into the back seat and out Colby's door. The semi stopped, the Yukon stopped and another woman who had seen the accident stopped. Eventually the EMTs showed up in a fire truck and an ambulance. Lisa by this point is almost passing out and Colby and I are trying to keep her vertical.

11:00, the police show up and start to question everyone. We are standing around in the snow completely bewildered. Well, actually, I was probably the only truly bewildered one. Colby was pretty calm the entire time. He was calm and totally together. He was talking to the police and making sure both Lisa and I were ok.

11:15, I call my parent's to have someone come get us because Lisa is in no state to drive neither is her car, which at this point is being lifted on to the flatbed truck. The conversation goes something like this:

Dad: Kelly, call your mom on her cell. She's getting her hair done.

Me: Um..Dad. Hang on, this is kind of important.

...silence...

Me: Um, we go into an accident. We're all ok but we need someone to come pick us up. Lisa's car is being towed and.....(I sort of started to babble here but I gave him enough information for him to understand where we were and the urgency of it)

The next 20 minutes are so were filled with us waiting on the side of the road for my dad to arrive. Colby was at least useful. He made sure that all of Lisa's stuff was out of her car and that she was sitting down and writing the accident report. We all ended up sitting in a car of a girl that had pulled over when she saw it happen.

11:45, my dad arrives. I see his car through the foggy windows of the car we're sitting in and I jump out of the car and bolt to the passenger side of his car and jump in. I throw my arms around his neck and I start sobbing. Literally sobbing. Colby and Lisa got in the car and we waited until the police officer completed his report. We were the only car that didn't drive away from the accident.

We spent the rest of the day at home, occasionally breaking down into tears and occasionally laughing at ourselves. Colby sort of hovered around both of us, making sure we weren't passing out or falling down, which at the time, was a real possibility. We spent the day together just watching movies and talking. Every once in a while someone would say, " Dude, guys...we almost died today!"

This morning Lisa and I woke up and felt pretty good. New aches and pains but nothing serious. Lisa's Dad came down from Logan to take us over the the car tow place to get pictures of the car. So all three of us (Colby, Lisa and I) drove over with her father to get a look at the car. (photos to come). We should have died. We all should have died. Lisa should have been crushed by the Yukon and Colby should have been crushed by the semi trailer. The trunk is gone, the back window is gone. And you can see the line up the side of the car over the driver where the semi rolled.

After the shock of seeing all the damage, because I really don't remember much of the accident or seeing the car, we drove home. Lisa's dad thought it would be a good idea for us to go back to the sight of the accident...on the freeway. I was not ok with this. I was sobbing by the time we got off the on ramp. Every time a big truck came barreling down the freeway I flinched into Colby's side. We took State street back and every sharp turn and every speeding truck that went by freaked me out more and more. Eventually I just turned into Colby's shoulder and just shut my eyes until we got home. When we finally did get home I went straight into my room, closed the door, and started sobbing. Sobbing. The kind of sobbing that you see in really sad movies.

I know that we are blessed that nothing happened to any of us. Last night I had a dream and both Colby and Lisa died and I was covered in their blood and car parts....pleasant, I know. But seriously...I am freaking out. I know that's normal but seriously...I almost died yesterday. And I'm not even exaggerating. I have no idea why I'm still alive...not even that, why I'm not seriously injured and in the hospital.

Stupid Ikea.

Twilight Trailer Spoof.

So I saw this on my cousin, Sue's blog. She is infinitely more funny than I am. The last part of this made me laugh out loud. Too funny!