Can't Make Me!

I taught for about 20 minutes this morning in my SPED Elementary classroom. It's a BD (Behavior Disorder) unit and all of the kids are in the class full time due to behavior issues. There were seven kids today and they are all 7 or 8. There are also three other adults (besides me) in the room - the teacher, a student teacher and a paraeducator/assistant.

I came to the realization that I will never, unequivocally, ever teach in an elementary school. I love kids, I do...but man! It takes a very particular type of person to be able to handle that. And, today I learned that is most definitely not me.

Onward and Upward!

Debbie Downer...

So I know I've been a bit...or a lot...of a debbie downer lately. I've been stressed and anxious and confused. I've been grumpy and generally unpleasant to be around. I'm sorry to one and all that I've snapped, grunted or ignored. In an effort to turn that frown upside down, here are the happy things that I have going on...

1. I was able to find another teacher at my elementary school that is willing and able to help me with my Assessment project. HUGE relief! She's even willing to work on the weekend at her home because she knows how hectic my weeks are.

2. I have roommates that have been kind and listened as I've grumbled, ranted, cried, hyperventilated, and procrastinated. They're wonderful.

3. Lisa has brought me lunch at work on Saturdays...granted, she's been borrowing my car so it's a bit of a trade off, but I appreciate it.

4. A member of my bishopric (leaders of an LDS congregation) has repeatedly offered to help organize help for when Lisa and I move in about three weeks. He's been so kind and generous.

5. It's official Hilda is no more. RIP Hilda. As if I didn't need one more thing to worry about. But my wonderful father has been looking for cars for me online and he's doing all the grunt work for me. I seriously don't know what I'd do if I had to worry about that too.

6. We've found an apartment to live in. And yes, it's stressful to think about packing and moving everything right now, it's good to know that I've got a place to go to AND a couple of weeks to get it all there.

7. I have a wonderful mother that has offered to help me pack, unpack and clean in relation to all the moving. I seriously have the best mother ever...seriously. She makes the stress of moving not quite so stressful.

School is stressful and I worry about getting it all done in the next month or so but I don't have the crushing, heart gripping anxiety that I've been experiencing. It's a lot but somehow it seems a bit more manageable. I am very blessed to have wonderful people in my life that put up with my crazy stressed out, goldfish brain memory, antics.

You all are wonderful.

Oh dear...

So do we all remember this post in which I talked about how badly I wanted a new car? I love Hilda, she's been wonderful to me but we've outgrown each other. Yet, even in all my dreams of 'graduating' to something newer, I never thought it would potentially mean such a violent end for Hilda.

I was driving home from work last night at about 11:15, as I usually do. I was thinking about my lesson for this morning (it went really well, by the way) and thinking of all I needed to get done in the coming weeks. As I drove through the intersection of 900 East and 17oo South, a woman driving east on 1700 South ran her red light and broadsided me. Fortunately, she was only going about 20 mph, and we were both able to walk away from the accident.

UNforuntately, Hilda was not so lucky. The majority of the impact was the back driver side door but the driver's door was still pretty dented. Once I was able to shoulder my door open and get out, the door wouldn't shut. The back door had bowed away from the frame of the car and, thought it was still shut, there was about an inch between the top of the door and the rest of the car. Hilda was loaded up on a tow truck and hauled away.

Hilda, being advanced in years, may not be able to be saved (She's almost 20 years old. I know, in human years that's not so much, but in car years...it's getting up there. Think about it like Dog years...that's 140 years!). The repairs may cost more than the insurance adjuster thinks she is worth.

I won't find out until Monday if I need to find a new car or if Hilda and I get a few more years together. I have to say, I'm somewhat torn...

Dreamland

I had a dream last night that as part of my observation hours at Clayton Middle school I had to teach a dance class. It wasn't in the dance studio but rather in the gym. When we got to the gym the lacrosse team was practicing (Clayton doesn't have a lacrosse team), there were chairs set up in half the gym and the other half had a runway stage setup. Then as I was having the class stretch a bit I discovered that I couldn't remember which song I had chosen or the first 16 counts of the dance I had planned. I kept staring at the track lists and playing random songs hoping I would remember the song and the choreography... All while the mentor teacher and my professor were furiously writing notes on their clipboards.

Do you think I'm anxious about teaching tomorrow???

Home sweet home...

We've found a new apartment. Hurray! We'll be moving early April as Lisa will be in the land of the Swiss when the apartment becomes available. It's in Murray/Taylorsville area just off the freeway and 45th South. One thing I can check off my rather lengthy "to do" list.

Rock on...

The post in which I try to convince myself I will survive the semester...

I remember the spring break(s) of yesteryear when I was living in Southern California and I could lounge by the pool or go shopping with my friends. Or perhaps I would visit my aunt in Long Beach or sleep in and just relax. Sigh...

Fast forward to spring break of this year... There was no pool lounging or visiting of friends and family. I slept in but only because I couldn't fall asleep until 2 or even 3 in the morning because of stressed out brain. One night I fell asleep around 3am on the couch upstairs while trying to do some homework. I didn't wake up until Lisa left the next morning around 6:30. I then woke up when the other roommates got on with their day. The week previous to spring break I was stressed and anxious about getting everything done that needed to be done. I had high expectations of a relaxing week spent with friends and my rarely seen family, these days. Alas, it was not to be so.

One of the roommates is moving out early and has been packing. Lisa has started packing up too. I don't begrudge them their packing. It needs to be done and they're doing what they need to do. Yet, the empty walls and shelves are a bit depressing and it further highlights what I still need to accomplish on top of school and work.

So now I'm back in class and trying to not break down into tears as we talk about assignments and due dates. The good news is I got an extension on an assignment. Yet, it's a bit of a double edged sword because the assignment is the small bits and pieces of a larger assignment later in the semester. So I run the risk of having it all stack up at the end of the semester. However, I don't really have a choice because I haven't been able to choose a student for my case study.

I also was able to postpone my high school methods placement until next semester. Yet, the same thing applies. It has to be done and there will be more work next semester. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do long term but short term I wouldn't survive the semester otherwise.

I feel slightly ashamed that I had to ask for the extension and postpone the methods placement. I should be able to do all of this, right? I mean, other students are doing this too... Then I talked to the placement specialist and she reminded me that I'm actually doing two full time programs (special ed and secondary). The fact that I am technically a part time student is somewhat negated by the fact that I am actually working on two separate degrees. That made my feel a bit better about the whole thing and the fact that I'm not an utter failure at life.

I am teaching for the first time tomorrow and I am freaking out. I know, they're just middle schoolers and it's only for about 20 minutes. What's so scary about that? I've presented longer and spoke to more people on numerous occasions and yet a classroom full of preteens has me quaking in my wedges.

The highlight of my break is my new MacBook Pro. It's their newest model and I LOVE it. I got a pretty good deal and a student discount. Thank you federal government for the generous tax return that made this beautiful purchase possible.

Side note: Have I ever mentioned that excessive stress tends to bring out the drama queen in me? no? oh...well, it does.

So I'm not really sure I convinced myself of anything.... time will tell.

Oh swoon...

I

I may or may not be a little obsessed....

I also am muy excited that it's coming this spring/summer and I'll be attending with my mom and sister!

This and that...

1. I thought spring break was supposed to be relaxing. Instead I have been stressing all week about school and the rest of the semester.

2. I finally purchased a new computer and it's snazzy! I LOVE it. It's the new MacBook Pro. It's sleek, fast and it has all sorts of cool gadgets. I'm still learning what to use everything on it but it's great. I'm currently taking suggestions for names. Lisa likes Fiona...as in Fiona Apple. Yeah, I know she sure is punny!

3. I am teaching my first lesson in an actual classroom setting next week and I am freaking out. Yes, freaking out. I have been stressed for school but now I am battling constant anxiety attacks about this silly lesson next week. I don't know why I'm so anxious. I've taught before. I'm not particularly afraid to speak in public or in front of large groups. But stick me in front of 35 or 40 7th and 8th graders and I freak out.

4. The boxes have started to appear. Our lease is up May 1st and we're all departing our dear old apartment. We'll be saying good bye to our lovely two story, red brick duplex. Drafty windows, creaky/lumpy floors and small kitchen...so long. I'm trying not to think about it because it'll just add more stress to it all (see #3 & 1). But it's hard not to when everyone is starting to pack up. I have to get through this semester, finish finals, box up my stuff, move, and plan and attend a bridal shower all in the next two months. It'll be fine. deep breaths...deep breaths. I apologize in advance to everyone if I seem a bit snappish. It's not personal.

5.I finally got my car registered. I'm legal to drive.

I'm ridiculously stressed and am on the verge of tears frequently. I miss being able to spend time with my friends and family guilt free. I imagine that it won't always be like this, right? Next semester will be easier? Please? Someone PLEASE tell me that this isn't my life for the next year and a half!!!