worth a thousand words...

I also need to brag a bit...

My grades posted last Thursday. I am officially done with my graduate program. I also got an email today saying I have been recommended for my Teaching License. All I have to do is go online, take the ethics review and pay for my license. Woot! In honor of all that, I asked Annie to take some graduation photos. I didn't want to do the school grad announcements, so I'm going to put something together on Shutterfly. Now, I know it's probably a little (or a lot) egotistical or narcissitic or something but here are a few of my favorites.

My sister is such a talented photographer! I'm a little jealous of her talent...

The wild world in which we live

I haven't updated all month and quite a bit has happened and continues to happen. Instead of an in-depth update you're getting the Kelly's Update List of Might and Wonder. Yes, you read that correctly... Kelly's Update List of Might and Wonder. It's exciting stuff. So, without further ado, here it is...

• Finished and passed student teaching
• Completed screening interviews with seven school districts and the Catholic Diocese
• Entertained a very generous job offer from Duchesene School District teaching Special Education at Union High in Roosevelt, Utah
• Took a road trip to check out the YSA scene in Roosevelt...very young and naive
• Nearly died on said road trip due to lovely March blizzard
• Determined I cannot, under any circumstances, live in Utah County. The construction alone would negatively impact my health and driving record
• Received second job offer to teach at a junior high in Ogden, which I am still considering. (Yes, you read that correctly. I have gotten two job offers. I had two non-district interviews and both resulted in job offers. Just had to toot my own horn a bit. Okay, bragging done)
• I continue to work on finishing up my Teacher Work Sample, ePortfolio and other odds and ends in preparation for graduation this spring
• Casually and not so casually looked for a new apartment
• Got the oil changed on my car
• Made some really great new friends from my cohort
• Finally released from old calling and called as the Relief Society pianist
• Sang in Sacrament meeting with Shannon
• Agreed to sing in my parent's ward with Shannon and Lisa...although that won't be for a few more weeks
• Called for two interviews at local charter schools
• Purchased first ever suit to look appropriately professional for said interviews...I think it worked
• AND I'm going to see Hunger Games tonight with the sister and her hubby

All in all, it's been a pretty busy month and the upcoming months will probably be just as busy as I, hopefully, get settled in with a new job, new apartment and new ward. Maybe then I'll remember to blog a bit more...eh...maybe not.

Such grand expectations...

I had planned to post once a week with a recap of my student teaching adventures...

....crickets....

Obviously, blogging did not happen as planned. I am on the downward slide now. I'm finishing up week 5 of 10. It's been exhausting, frustrating, infuriating, confusing, frightening and absolutely fantastic. I basically have 4 weeks left and I'm starting to get a little anxious with all I still need to accomplish. Plus, I'll really miss my students. Yes, I know. They aren't really my students. But after teaching them for the past month, I feel like they're my students. I won't miss the waking up well before dawn. I won't miss the snarky comments that come my way. I won't miss the complete and utter exhaustion.

But, thankfully, this experience has just made me more excited about what my future holds. I cannot wait to have my own classroom. I can't wait to get everything organized and ready to go. I feel absolutely ready. I know the first year of teaching will kick my butt but (tee-hee) I am beyond excited about it.

So...here's to 4 more weeks!

Highlights

• Getting several glowing evaluations from my Westminster Supervisor
• Not feeling nervous every morning on the drive to work
• Establishing and enjoying the relationship with my students
• Positive feedback from students and peers

Low lights

• Having a student threaten to "curse" me...not AT me but an actual supernatural, witch and spells curse.
• Having to fight students every day about their cell phones
• Back-talking
• Smart students that are just too lazy to actually turn in their homework
• Having to teach ACT Prep...gross!

Holy Hannah!

I've been on the two year plan for my graduate program. I have been working on a dual masters in Secondary Education (Master of Arts in Teaching - MAT) and Special Education (Master of Education - M.Ed.). I started this all last summer (2010) and I planned to student teach and graduate fall 2012 with both degrees. I met with my advisor this morning on something completely unrelated to graduation. The result of that meeting was me turning in my application for graduation in MAT for this upcoming spring (2012)!

Apparently the Utah Department of Ed changed some regulations and it is more beneficial for me, long term, if I don't do concurrent licensing in both Secondary and Special Ed. I finish up my methods placement this semester (Cypress High in Magna...quite the commute, I know) and I'll do my student teaching in the spring. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I'll graduate in the spring. It's crazy!

I'm still going to finish up the special education requirements but will be able to do that while I teach. It will take me a little longer but I'll be teaching! In my own classroom! At a real school! I will have an actual profession!

I'm just a little excited, if you didn't notice...

Who knew?

Who knew that actually having a social life and friends would make school so difficult? Well, I'm sure most of you already knew that but this is news to me. Thus far in my graduate career it has not been a problem. In fact, I often used my "studying" and "homework" as a way to get out of spending time with people that I didn't want to see. Granted, I did actually have homework and studying to do. Yet, I probably could have worked something out if I had really wanted to. It also helped that my last bedroom was a deep, dark hole that did not inspire one to get out and spend time with the world.

I need a kick in the pants! I have a group presentation coming up and I have yet to do any real work on my part. Yes...I have become that obnoxious person. I don't like group projects because you have to do things in advance on a time table other than your own. It's annoying.

To blog or not to blog...

...that is the question. I've had some pretty great things happen in the past month or so. I've debated blogging about it but I'm just not sure I want to send it out into the interwebs just yet.

I will say this, my new ward is pretty fun. I've met some really fun and exciting new people and made some great friends. I've been to Bear Lake, attending movies in the park, had BBQs and pool dates with the girls.

As far as what else is going on...I guess time will tell if I share it with you all. But I do want to just say - I am happy. I am far happier than I have been in a very long time.

Homework = Blogging

The new semester started Wednesday. It's a wonder how quickly the procrastination sets in... like right now. I don't work or have class on Fridays. It's supposed to be my study day as I don't have much time during the week. My desk area has been recently cleaned and organized for maximum study time. It's got great natural light and plenty of space...unlike my previous deep, dark hole of a bedroom with very little space. I woke up this morning, did my morning routine with the plan to get a good chunk of my homework done so I can go play tonight and possible tomorrow as well.

I'll give you one guess how well this has turned out...if you need more than one...

I did a little reading. I reread my homework assignments in an attempt to decide which one will be the worst to do. Then debating if I should eat the proverbial big frog first or save it for last. I then thought I should catch up on my Facebooking and unnecessary emailing. I looked at pictures and thought it was time for a new profile picture. That lead to messing around on iPhoto and uploading said photos to Facebook. Meanwhile I've texted a couple of friends and returned another email. And it all ends with the blog. I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks and I haven't thought I needed to blog. It's an interesting phenomenon. Whenever there is homework to do, I suddenly feel the need to blog. It's almost a compulsion.

Homework = Blogging.

At the end of the semester I'm always somewhat amazed that I actually finished anything!

This 'n That

I am currently loving this song. It plays over and over in my head. Please don't judge...

Got two rather interesting gems from the dentist this week: 1) I have an "angry tooth". I'm not entirely sure what that means but it hurts. 2) I have great tongue control. Personally, I just view it as a great sense of self preservation. I don't know about you, but I personally don't want my tongue to get caught up in the drill. I'm in enough pain as it is, I'm not a masochist enough to voluntarily get my tongue caught up in the drill. No thanks.

School starts two weeks from yesterday. Would you actually believe that I'm a little nervous about it? I'm halfway through my program. This will be third of six semesters and yet I'm as nervous as if it was my first semester...go figure.

Is really irritated by the fact that I wake up every morning at 7:50. I don't usually need to be up until about 9:00...really? Come on!

My nephew turns six this Sunday. SIX! I have another niece that turned 13 last December...these kids are making me feel old.

I'm heading up to Bear Lake. I'm ridiculously excited. I love water...LOVE IT. It comes from all those summers spent at Lake Powell, living in your bathing suit for a week and actually having a tan. Man...those were the days.

Missed opportunities...?

I fell in love with London when I spent about ten days there in 2006. I love the energy, the history, the beauty of the city. While standing in the tiny kitchen of the rented flat, I told my mom that I was going to live in London someday, somehow. Once upon a time I wanted to study at the University of London. While visiting, my mom and I even went to the admissions office to talk about what would be needed. I could probably get in, I just got scared by the cost and all the logistics of getting over there and I never followed through.

While looking for jobs and trying to figure out what to do with myself, I set up an account on a website called LondonJobs. It's basically the British version of Monsterjobs. The tricky part about getting a job in England is that your employer has to apply for the work visa, so I couldn't save up, move over and then find a job. It never came to anything because I wasn't actually ready to make that terrifying leap.

Today I got an email from LondonJobs saying they could send email alerts about applicable jobs so I "wouldn't miss out on missed opportunities". It's got me thinking. Could I? Obviously, not until after I'm done with school...but really. Could I?

Why hello, beautiful...

I am enjoying my first, honest to goodness, summer vacation in nearly five years since joining the "real world" and getting a full time job. After being in school for three straight semesters without a real break and after pushing myself to the brink of both a physical and mental/emotional collapse, I thought it would be wise to take a little breather. I'm still working, though only part time, and I'm enjoying the leisure and laziness I've missed for the past year. For example, today I don't need to be anywhere until 8:00 this evening. I have spent my morning wrapped in blankets, rereading Harry Potter and listening to the rain outside my window. It's pretty idyllic, really. At least as idyllic as I get these days.

As I get more time passes and I get a little more distance from last semester, I see just how bad it really was. I let a lot of things slide and I didn't take care of myself - spiritually, physically or emotionally. I didn't realize how bad it had become until I actually had time to think about things other than school. I did well last semester, I'm not sure how I pulled it all off, but I did. But was it worth it? Next semester I'll only taking three classes with one placement in comparison to the four classes and three placements I took last semester. Hopefully I'll be able to have a social life and have some fun. There was a big switch-a-roo with the LDS Singles Wards (LDS congregation for single adults age 18-30) in Salt Lake and I have a new ward. I've met some fun people and I can't wait to make more friends. I've missed feeling like I belong and I think I may just get that from this new ward.

Balance...I'm looking for balance.

Things I currently love...

1. Yogurt covered Raisins. My sister used to eat this when we were younger and I recently picked up a bag. Oh man...so tasty. HOWEVER, I do NOT recommend the Sunkist Vanilla flavored yogurt raisins. Bleh...

2. Picking out and planting flowers with my five and three year old niece and nephew.

3. Going shopping with a wonderful, wonderful friend and finding the dress.

4. Finally losing that sense of anxiety and expectation that I have felt for the past year. I no longer feel guilty for sleeping in, reading for pleasure, watching a movie or any other non academic pursuit. Granted, it also helps that grades posted and I no longer have to think about that either.

5. An upcoming weekend full of pre-wedding goodness, graduations, family dinners, birthdays and mother's day. We like to pack it in..

6. Natural sunlight in my bedroom

7. Lots of extra space in my bedroom

8. Semi ridiculous conversations with my sister.

9. Having tough decisions taken out of my hands by circumstances

10. Words with Friends...seriously addicting.

11. This fabulous website and all the cute and fun dresses I am jonesing to purchase

12. This fun blog with lots of crafty ideas. Can't wait to do the yarn wreath! I think I'm going to do it next week when there's not quite so much going on...see #5

13. Having a school free summer, with literally no worries or school related obligations. I haven't been this relaxed in who knows how long!

14. Future swimming, zoo and other fun adventures with the sister and her little ones.

15. A girl's night out on Saturday to celebrate the big 2-7. Seriously, when did I get this old?

16. Mochi Ice Cream balls that I haven't been able to find anywhere in Utah, hence not eating them for nearly five years, and finding them at Costco last week.

17. Having a fun and zippy car to drive. I love Miss M!

18. I'm absolutely in LOVE with this etsy.com store.

19. All the blossoms on the trees and my nephew telling me it looked like popcorn.

Oh sweet freedom!

As of 8:00 MST tonight, I am officially done with the semester from hell. I'm giddy with excitement and yet there is still some residual anxiety left over...phantom anxiety, as it were. I keep thinking I need to do something and I have to remind myself that no, Kelly, there's nothing left to be done. It's okay to veg and just take it easy for a while.

I've been thinking about the past semester, particularly my Special Education classes. It's made me question if I want to continue with SpEd or go a different route. I loved my general education classes and my middle school placement, but my elementary SpEd placement was torture for so many reason. Remember this? Well, my last day in the class my mentor teacher tells me she doesn't feel she can write an evaluation or sign my time sheet. There was all kinds of drama that I won't go into but it was just one more thing to deal with. I know, that dealing with this person shouldn't reflect on the content and methods of SpEd but I'm having a VERY difficult time separating the two.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to get where I want and need to be after I graduate. I know I need something to set me apart from all the other secondary english teachers looking for jobs but I'm not sure if SpEd is the way to go...for me. Then again...maybe I just need some time away from it and it's really where I want to end up.

...BUT for now, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to worry about sleeping in, finishing unpacking boxes and hanging pictures, spending time with my family and regaining a social life. I haven't had one of those in almost a year! I may have even forgot how that works...

Any who...here's to survival!!

Reality Check...

Last Thursday I was visiting my SPED elementary placement and I saw something that truly disturbed me. A, normally, very sweet 7 year old had a complete and total melt down. I am not unfamiliar with young children meltdowns, I have 8 nieces and nephews and have seen my fair share of meltdowns. And even by major, nuclear, meltdown standards...what I was observing was not anywhere near that level.

When I first walked into the room I noticed this little boy, let's call him Alex, was standing in a corner apart from the rest of the group. I could tell by the glares and muttering that he was having a difficult morning. He would occasionally kick the wall or stomp a bit more loudly but he wasn't screaming, yelling, throwing objects, a danger or a distraction to any of the other 5 kids in the classroom. After about ten minutes, the teacher took him to the Time Out Room. It's roughly the size of a large porta-potty (maybe a bit bigger). It has grey padded walls, a light in the ceiling and a door with a glass window. The latch is large and made of steel but had to be held in place.

Once Alex was forced into the Time Out Room and the door shut behind him (with the light still on) he immediately lost it. He started screaming to be let out and throwing himself against the door. I was asked to hold the door closed while the teacher went back to the rest of the class. After Alex had been in there for a few minutes he started screaming obscenities that no 7 year old should know. He also threatened to kill the everyone when he got out. At this point he was throwing himself against the door with so much force that it was bumping me off the door each time he hit it. Eventually he calmed down and was let out but the rest of the morning was a complete wash for him. He wasn't in a place mentally or emotionally to learn and he lost all of his privileges for the day so he only felt worse. I'm not saying there shouldn't have been consequences for his actions but it seemed his actions didn't escalate until he was put into the Time Out Room.

This incident disturbed me on several levels:

1- As this child was screaming, yelling, and throwing himself at the walls, none of the other adults even blinked an eye. It didn't phase them. Somehow I don't think anyone should get used to a 7 year old saying "You F****in A****le!"

2- The punishment seemed disproportionate to the infraction. He didn't have a serious behavior problem until after he was put in the time out room.

3- Since when did we start putting young children in what amounts to no more than a padded cell as a means of disciplining them? What does that accomplish? Many of these kids come with a steamer trunk full of baggage and often there is a chemical component. However, I do think that some of this behavior is still learned. What are we telling them when we put them in seclusion like that? What are we telling other students?

4- There is something, deep down, about the idea of Time Out Rooms and restraints and other 'disciplinary' measures that seem wrong on basis of basic human rights.

I was so disturbed by it that I went and talked with my professor about it. In talking with her, the issue became even more appalling. What I saw it starting to become standard practice in many public school special education programs and many parents have no idea. I've been researching the issue more as part of a paper for class and what I've found is deeply disturbing.

Did you know that many states in the south, including Texas, parents have to sign a form saying teachers and administrators cannot use corporal punishment on their child?? It was a pretty big wake up call. What I saw in the classroom wasn't outright abuse but it made me intensely uncomfortable and if I were that child's parent, I would be very upset. But what goes on in public schools every day, without parent's knowledge is a frightening prospect. Google "Special Education Time Out Rooms" or "Special Education Seclusion and restraints" and you'll see what I mean.

Can't Make Me!

I taught for about 20 minutes this morning in my SPED Elementary classroom. It's a BD (Behavior Disorder) unit and all of the kids are in the class full time due to behavior issues. There were seven kids today and they are all 7 or 8. There are also three other adults (besides me) in the room - the teacher, a student teacher and a paraeducator/assistant.

I came to the realization that I will never, unequivocally, ever teach in an elementary school. I love kids, I do...but man! It takes a very particular type of person to be able to handle that. And, today I learned that is most definitely not me.

Onward and Upward!

Debbie Downer...

So I know I've been a bit...or a lot...of a debbie downer lately. I've been stressed and anxious and confused. I've been grumpy and generally unpleasant to be around. I'm sorry to one and all that I've snapped, grunted or ignored. In an effort to turn that frown upside down, here are the happy things that I have going on...

1. I was able to find another teacher at my elementary school that is willing and able to help me with my Assessment project. HUGE relief! She's even willing to work on the weekend at her home because she knows how hectic my weeks are.

2. I have roommates that have been kind and listened as I've grumbled, ranted, cried, hyperventilated, and procrastinated. They're wonderful.

3. Lisa has brought me lunch at work on Saturdays...granted, she's been borrowing my car so it's a bit of a trade off, but I appreciate it.

4. A member of my bishopric (leaders of an LDS congregation) has repeatedly offered to help organize help for when Lisa and I move in about three weeks. He's been so kind and generous.

5. It's official Hilda is no more. RIP Hilda. As if I didn't need one more thing to worry about. But my wonderful father has been looking for cars for me online and he's doing all the grunt work for me. I seriously don't know what I'd do if I had to worry about that too.

6. We've found an apartment to live in. And yes, it's stressful to think about packing and moving everything right now, it's good to know that I've got a place to go to AND a couple of weeks to get it all there.

7. I have a wonderful mother that has offered to help me pack, unpack and clean in relation to all the moving. I seriously have the best mother ever...seriously. She makes the stress of moving not quite so stressful.

School is stressful and I worry about getting it all done in the next month or so but I don't have the crushing, heart gripping anxiety that I've been experiencing. It's a lot but somehow it seems a bit more manageable. I am very blessed to have wonderful people in my life that put up with my crazy stressed out, goldfish brain memory, antics.

You all are wonderful.

Dreamland

I had a dream last night that as part of my observation hours at Clayton Middle school I had to teach a dance class. It wasn't in the dance studio but rather in the gym. When we got to the gym the lacrosse team was practicing (Clayton doesn't have a lacrosse team), there were chairs set up in half the gym and the other half had a runway stage setup. Then as I was having the class stretch a bit I discovered that I couldn't remember which song I had chosen or the first 16 counts of the dance I had planned. I kept staring at the track lists and playing random songs hoping I would remember the song and the choreography... All while the mentor teacher and my professor were furiously writing notes on their clipboards.

Do you think I'm anxious about teaching tomorrow???

The post in which I try to convince myself I will survive the semester...

I remember the spring break(s) of yesteryear when I was living in Southern California and I could lounge by the pool or go shopping with my friends. Or perhaps I would visit my aunt in Long Beach or sleep in and just relax. Sigh...

Fast forward to spring break of this year... There was no pool lounging or visiting of friends and family. I slept in but only because I couldn't fall asleep until 2 or even 3 in the morning because of stressed out brain. One night I fell asleep around 3am on the couch upstairs while trying to do some homework. I didn't wake up until Lisa left the next morning around 6:30. I then woke up when the other roommates got on with their day. The week previous to spring break I was stressed and anxious about getting everything done that needed to be done. I had high expectations of a relaxing week spent with friends and my rarely seen family, these days. Alas, it was not to be so.

One of the roommates is moving out early and has been packing. Lisa has started packing up too. I don't begrudge them their packing. It needs to be done and they're doing what they need to do. Yet, the empty walls and shelves are a bit depressing and it further highlights what I still need to accomplish on top of school and work.

So now I'm back in class and trying to not break down into tears as we talk about assignments and due dates. The good news is I got an extension on an assignment. Yet, it's a bit of a double edged sword because the assignment is the small bits and pieces of a larger assignment later in the semester. So I run the risk of having it all stack up at the end of the semester. However, I don't really have a choice because I haven't been able to choose a student for my case study.

I also was able to postpone my high school methods placement until next semester. Yet, the same thing applies. It has to be done and there will be more work next semester. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do long term but short term I wouldn't survive the semester otherwise.

I feel slightly ashamed that I had to ask for the extension and postpone the methods placement. I should be able to do all of this, right? I mean, other students are doing this too... Then I talked to the placement specialist and she reminded me that I'm actually doing two full time programs (special ed and secondary). The fact that I am technically a part time student is somewhat negated by the fact that I am actually working on two separate degrees. That made my feel a bit better about the whole thing and the fact that I'm not an utter failure at life.

I am teaching for the first time tomorrow and I am freaking out. I know, they're just middle schoolers and it's only for about 20 minutes. What's so scary about that? I've presented longer and spoke to more people on numerous occasions and yet a classroom full of preteens has me quaking in my wedges.

The highlight of my break is my new MacBook Pro. It's their newest model and I LOVE it. I got a pretty good deal and a student discount. Thank you federal government for the generous tax return that made this beautiful purchase possible.

Side note: Have I ever mentioned that excessive stress tends to bring out the drama queen in me? no? oh...well, it does.

So I'm not really sure I convinced myself of anything.... time will tell.

This and that...

1. I thought spring break was supposed to be relaxing. Instead I have been stressing all week about school and the rest of the semester.

2. I finally purchased a new computer and it's snazzy! I LOVE it. It's the new MacBook Pro. It's sleek, fast and it has all sorts of cool gadgets. I'm still learning what to use everything on it but it's great. I'm currently taking suggestions for names. Lisa likes Fiona...as in Fiona Apple. Yeah, I know she sure is punny!

3. I am teaching my first lesson in an actual classroom setting next week and I am freaking out. Yes, freaking out. I have been stressed for school but now I am battling constant anxiety attacks about this silly lesson next week. I don't know why I'm so anxious. I've taught before. I'm not particularly afraid to speak in public or in front of large groups. But stick me in front of 35 or 40 7th and 8th graders and I freak out.

4. The boxes have started to appear. Our lease is up May 1st and we're all departing our dear old apartment. We'll be saying good bye to our lovely two story, red brick duplex. Drafty windows, creaky/lumpy floors and small kitchen...so long. I'm trying not to think about it because it'll just add more stress to it all (see #3 & 1). But it's hard not to when everyone is starting to pack up. I have to get through this semester, finish finals, box up my stuff, move, and plan and attend a bridal shower all in the next two months. It'll be fine. deep breaths...deep breaths. I apologize in advance to everyone if I seem a bit snappish. It's not personal.

5.I finally got my car registered. I'm legal to drive.

I'm ridiculously stressed and am on the verge of tears frequently. I miss being able to spend time with my friends and family guilt free. I imagine that it won't always be like this, right? Next semester will be easier? Please? Someone PLEASE tell me that this isn't my life for the next year and a half!!!

Thoughts of a stressed out and slightly overwhelmed woman...

1- I have never appreciated a clean bedroom so much before and never has my personal space been quite so messy and cluttered for such an extended period of time.

2- After years of doing the on again off again diet/exercise thing, I've finally found something that works for me. It's called the Grad Student Diet. It involves lots of Diet Dr. Coke, at most 6 hours of sleep (more like 4), on average one meal a day (on week days, this may go up to two meals a day on weekends), and running all over town to school, work, and methods placements.

3- I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is what I want to do with the rest of my life.

4- I need to either constantly remind myself or have someone remind me that I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is what I want to do with the rest of my life.

5- I miss spending time with my friends and family.

6- Clean clothes are somewhat overrated

7- I know I don't want to teach in an elementary school and am leaning towards middle school but haven't completely ruled out high school.

8- I am slowly developing my own classroom management philosophy and it kind of feels good.

9- Diet Coke, Goldfish crackers (the original flavor) and crescent rolls....'nuff said.

10- I miss reading for the joy of it.

11- I am learning a whole new language of acronyms and educational jargon.

12- Spring break cannot come soon enough.