Pardon my dust...

As Scott and I were talking last night I started to think about where I was at this time last year. Man! My life could not be more different. I had just ended a relationship that had gotten scary serious, scary fast. I was living in North Salt Lake while working on O-town and not really liking the commute. I was physically run down, emotionally drained and not really sure what I was going to do next. I wasn't particularly social and was trying not to get too depressed with my life and, for the most part, failing spectacularly.

Fast forward 12 months. I have changed jobs, apartments and cities. I am down one superfluous organ. I have the most amazing group of friends. I've met and fallen in love with a man that could not be more perfect for me, and he'll finally be here on Friday! It's hard for me to believe it, actually. I haven't seen him in almost two months...two months!! 

But for all of these changes that have happened...amazing, wonderful, life-altering changes...I still have quite a bit of work to do on myself. Loving Scott has made me want to be more loving, kind, and compassionate towards others. This is something I thought I was fairly good at, but I've recently realized, I need to do better. I can to better. I'm grateful that I'm marrying a man that makes me want to be a better person and just by being who is, encourages me and challenges me to do better. Turns out falling in love teaches you a lot about who you are instead of who you think you are. As it so happens, those are two very different people. 

List Mania!

This summer I have...

1. Started violin lessons. I absolutely adore it! I always wanted to take the violin growing up, but thought my short, pudgy fingers weren't appropriately long and graceful enough to play the violin. So, I never mentioned it and stuck with the piano (which I still love). Many told me I would sound like a screeching cat for the first few months. I am happy to report, no cat-like sounds have come from my violin...yet.

2. discovered the addictive joy of jewelry making. It's a slightly expensive hobby, but it keeps my hands busy and I've got something cute at the end of it. I have several gift ideas for people and I'm excited to put the plans into action.

3. attended Utah Core Academy. There has been a lot of controversy surrounding the new education standards for Utah. I'm not 100% sure why people are up in arms about it, but I support it. I haven't had a conversation with anyone that is really anti, but I've read what's in the newspaper and I just don't understand the argument. From where I sit, we're challenging our students and trying to insure they are competitive nationally and globally. What's so bad about that? Additionally, society is much more mobile. The patchwork quilt of education standards across the country is a disservice to our students. By having a national standard, we are insuring that students are taught the skills needed to, not only succeed, but be competitive in a global economy. We all want that, don't we? But enough of my soapbox. I left the workshop exhausted and yet energized to plan out my curriculum and implement some of the strategies we talked about this past week.

4. will spend the 4th in small-town Idaho. I'm excited to experience the small town patriotism that is stereotypically American. It will be great. AANNNNDD.....I'll get to spend some time with Lisa. It's been a difficult adjustment for me and I'm totally psyched to see her again!

5. gotten more involved with family history. I spent some time at my Stake (local LDS congregation) Family History center and I got the bug. It was fun to go back and see where my ancestors came from and read some of the documents about them. I'm going to be reading my Grandma and Grandpa's (mom's side) personal history and synthesizing it a bit to then be uploaded to familysearch.org. I'm also going to work on getting pictures scanned and uploaded too. I figure, I've got tons of time, why not put it to good use.

6. I'm hoping to get out to Denver as some point to see the Denver Buies. My older brother, Conor, and I have been talking more the past six months or so. Growing up we always just kind of missed out on getting to know each other. By the time I was old enough to not be quite so obnoxious, he was out on his mission, then college. When he moved back to Utah, I was in California. When I moved back, he was married, in school and working. It's been great to spend more time just talking. Even though he's in Denver, I know that I can call him with any problem and he'll help, or I can call to just chat. It's great. I have an awesome older brother. You all wish you were so lucky.

7. I was made Language Arts Department Chair at my junior high. It isn't as cool as it sounds. It's just the middle rung of the ladder that needed to be filled when our previous department chair took another job.

Happy Summer Vacation!

Pendulum of Life

pen·du·lum (pěn'jə-ləm, pěn'dyə-, pěn'də-) Pronunciation Key

n.

1. A body suspended from a fixed support so that it swings freely back and forth under the influence of gravity, commonly used to regulate various devices, especially clocks. Also called simple pendulum.
2. Something that swings back and forth from one course, opinion, or condition to another: the pendulum of public opinion.

I want so much to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person. But it's hard...really hard. I swing back and forth so many times and on so many different topics. I seem inconsistent and probably hypocritical to some people but I promise, my heart is in the right place. I may falter more often than not but I'm trying to keep the forward momentum going.

My biggest struggle lately has been trying not to be irritated and hurt by those around me. They don't mean to do it and most of the time aren't even aware they are doing it. Like me, they are just striving to be the best person they can and they're going to slip and fall occasionally. I guess I'm more aware of it in them because I'm more aware of it in myself. I'm having a hard time forgetting about it and forgiving/ignoring it in others because I'm having a hard time overcoming it in my own life.

I want to be more loving with the people in my life. Too often I find myself being snappish and snarky with the people I love most. I can't remember who it was, but there was a talk in the last General Conference...I want to say it was President Faust, but I'm not sure...about choosing the words we use and the tone of our voices. The tone in which we say something can have more power and lasting consequences than the words themselves. I know this is true because I've been on the receiving end of a vicious tone, a gentle tone, a condescending tone or a loving tone. The tone of voice you use is the manifestation of the feeling behind the words.

I feel like I'm clinging on to a huge clock pendulum and I want to strike a balance in my life and stop the mad swinging back and forth but I just can't seem to get there. And not just in my personal relationships with the people around me but with my job/school/career aspirations, my own spiritual growth...all aspects of my life but I just can't seem to manage it somehow. I have great moments...wonderful "ah-hah" moments and I think I'm making progress but then the pendulum swings back and I sometimes feel like I'm loosing more ground than I'm gaining. Will I ever be able to find that balance? Will the pendulum ever stop swinging?

Think, my dear...THINK!

I've never been very good at that whole think before you speak thing. I tend to think out loud. Usually it's pretty harmless. I'll be watching tv with someone and they'll change the channel to something new and I'll ask, "what's this?" Why would they know what it is? they haven't been watching it. Or I'll ask a question that I really don't want to know the answer to before I can stop myself from asking it. It's something I probably should work on because sometimes it isn't so harmless. I'm a very emotional person in the sense that I feel my emotions very strongly and I can and do get carried away. I don't always look at things from a rational perspective right away...eventually, once I've had a chance to let the initial emotional reaction subside, I can look at situations rationally and deal with it but before I get to that point...the point where I say whatever pops into my head...that's where the danger lies. I don't generally say anything too bad or hurtful but it just turns out to be wrong. So it makes me look inconsistent, which I guess I am a little bit. But at least i'm aware that i'm inconsistent and i don't try to hide it...that makes it a little better, doesn't it?

I need to work on avoiding absolute statements and passing judgements on people and their actions. I don't know what's in their hearts even if I think I do. I can also be easily persuaded by my peers in subtle ways. If that makes sense. I'm adaptive to situation and the people around me. And it's not that I don't feel or think that way and I'm pretending to because that would be hypocritical and I can't stand hypocritical people. It's just that particular people pull out certain sides of my personality and feelings towards situations and people.

I had a pretty great birthday and people showed up that I didn't expect to show. I was wrong. I misjudged them and I shouldn't have. Again, it's this whole speaking before I think thing and thinking and getting hurt before I actually think. You know? Does this even make sense?

I talked to Sara on the phone last night...I dearly love this girl and really miss her. She's
A-MAY-ZING! She sent me the ultimate birthday package. It included three DVDs, candy, a small little teddy-bear (which was immediately appropriated by Aidan), a Disney Princess Magic Coloring Book, a cute polka-dot scarf and the cherry on top of it all...a pink Dirty Dancing tshirt. It has Jennifer Gray and Patrick Swayze on the front with the Dirty Dancing title across the bottom and on the back it says, "No body puts Baby in the corner". It's absolutely ugly but i love it! I'll never wear it unless it's to bed or something or for a photo op with Sara (she has one too). But what you have to understand is that Sara, her roommate, Catie and I were obsessed with this movie our freshman year in college. Yes...we were that cool. Anyway, she called last night to wish me happy birthday and there's a pretty great housing opportunity for us in North Hollywood. Her parents have some friends that are being transferred to Switzerland (??) and they need someone to stay in their house for the next 5 years or so while they are gone. It's a three bedroom house in North Hollywood. They would be leaving most, if not all, of their furniture, Sara says it's a beautiful house, nice kitchen. And they're more interested in finding someone they trust than in making a lot of money, so the rent wouldn't be too expensive. Now it's LA so "expensive" is a relative term. But if they want Sara to move in and the price is right, I'm totally game. It would be Sara, Katy and I. How fun would that be!?!? Sure beats living in my parent's basement!